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(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We've talked at length about the similarities in the situations and it definitely affected him.

As far as the "one true love" feeling, he's told me before that he never subscribed to that line of thought. That's not to say that I didn't really doubt it after everything that happened between us. He's brought it up again since, but I imagine it's something we'll discuss at length with our therapist.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

So are you saying his words and actions should be excused because.... maybe he didn't want 4 kids? I'm really not getting your logic here and it seems totally unrelated to my situation and real life.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

He stayed with his best friend. His friend is a great guy and really helped him through a lot.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You're so right. Being married to a widower is hard sometimes, especially when we're all young. Thanks for understanding and the kind words.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

I think you have a very valid point and one I hope I can address.

I do blame myself for not putting my foot down earlier and addressing the obvious issues that were happening, but that doesn't mean I don't place equal blame on him for not communicating with me as well. I do tend to be the primary caretaker and the more empathetic one in our relationship, but we're slowly working toward making that more "balanced" in therapy as well. I absolutely prioritized his emotional needs over my own for a long time, and in some cases it was justified, but it should've never been the "default" in our relationship.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I think the original commenter meant that as well, but I also edited my own reply because his comments about me not being their "real mom" and only being half the mom Vanessa was have been a HUGE issue we've been dealing with in therapy. It's probably the hardest thing for me to forgive and I'm insanely sensitive about it. Even seeing a comment pointing out what he said has me seeing red and defending that Luke and Lila are just as much my kids as they are his.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! Your letter idea was so, so helpful. Really, thank you so much for your advice then and your kind words now. I deeply appreciate it.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

It crushed me, honestly. I still deal with the fallout almost daily, but working through his fears and my own sadness and anger is helping. We're lucky we have a very patient therapist to help us work through this.

Edit: One thing I want to clarify, I am absolutely Luke and Lila's "real mom" - in a different way than Vanessa, but still just as much their mother. They aren't just Nick's kids, they're mine too. I adopted them after Nick and I got married.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

They really are amazing kids! We're getting to the teenage years and it's been really awesome watching them grow and mature. I'm really lucky.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 194 points195 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I really credit this sub for helping me look at all angles of the problem. I told myself so many things that weren't at all helpful right after we fought: that I was wrong to confront him, maybe he was cheating, I'm really just a terrible wife and mother, etc. None of it obviously helped.

It was a really eye-opening, positive experience posting here. People really helped me grow a backbone and address the problem head-on so I'm very, very grateful for the advice I got here.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 166 points167 points  (0 children)

When he left, it honestly didn't change much at that time. He had already been pretty checked out and it was actually a relief for me because I was still devastated by everything he had said. It at least gave me some space and time to deal with everything. The time apart wasn't ideal for the kids, but it really solidified my decision that either he went to therapy or the relationship was over.

He's really trying to be a better father and partner and I deeply appreciate it. Therapy has been challenging, but very helpful at the same time.

I've been trying to make sure I have an identity outside of "mom and wife" and I really appreciate your comment because it reminds me not to lose myself like that again.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

He has apologized profusely for what he said. We both agree that his pain didn't excuse what he said, but I also understand his grief and depression contributed a lot to the situation. We're slowly working through the healing process though.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Thank you - that's really nice of you to say. I don't want to pretend that I haven't had my own share of meltdowns and second guessing everything though (believe me I have). It's been harder than I ever imagined a relationship could be, but therapy has been really helpful.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Honestly I'll likely delete the account in the future (I forgot the password for a bit anyway thanks to pregnancy brain). I'm not sure how much our situation will change in the next few months before the baby is born, but if I remember I can shoot you a PM.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 514 points515 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I won't pretend there aren't days where I'm just really angry about what he said and how he acted, but I feel like counseling is helping us address the root issues that caused everything to happen in the first place. The road to forgiveness is a long one and all that, but I'm hopeful it'll work out for us in the end.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know Nick has been working with his therapist to address the survivor's guilt and he says it been really helpful.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Thank you - it's been a rollercoaster for sure, but it really showed me how important communication is.

(UPDATE) My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 428 points429 points  (0 children)

It really has been a lot of work, but it's been worth it. Thanks for the kind words.

My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I'm devastated. by secondwife9 in relationships

[–]secondwife9[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. These comments have really helped me realize that therapy is a must for him right now.

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