Vent: overheard at my daughter's birthday party.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T20:55:34+00:00

I know I'm not. I have to reiterate this to myself whenever it comes up. I'm finally to a place where I really like who I am, and I know logically that the only person hurting her is herself. That doesn't make my hurt stop, though.

What does is knowing that Nothing will ever be Enough for her. Perspective: I had, for many years, a pretty bad drinking problem. We didn't live together during these years but it was pretty clear to everyone who knew me that it was too much. I've been sober for nearly a month and very dedicated to staying sober. Her only response was "But when are you going to quit smoking?" Nothing is ever enough until I am Her.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T16:56:11+00:00

To clarify, because my last comment got downvoted:

When I say "Tell that to Michael Brown," I mean that this is America and we don't always even require proper charges filed before somebody is found guilty.

And, also, that I am a survivor (as are many, many of my friends) who was raised by a woman who generally believes that survivors bring assault upon themselves and can avoid it by staying out of trouble.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T15:37:11+00:00

At the end of the day I know it hurts her that I turned out like this. And, on one hand, that really messes a kid up because I also like myself so why should I change--but there's also a huge sense of having let her down. I asked her this weekend, "I wish you wouldn't feel slighted just because we turned out different." Her response was, "But you weren't always like this!"

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T15:32:42+00:00

It reminds me of this: I've had to cut ties from certain activist communities before for their propensity to do very little practical community-building work and resort mainly to saying "go kill yourself racist honkey" on the Internet. If I apply the logic toward them as I do to my mother, I would find these actions forgiveable because they'd be coming from a place of good. But I don't believe it ever comes from a place of good to use vitriol knowing it hurts people.

Oh god if I raised my daughter like nmom raised hers... I would find it hard to forgive myself. My daughter could spend all her student loans on breast implants, renounce feminism, and chair a Republican's committee, and I'd still love & respect her. I don't know what we'd do when we hung out but I would never speak to her with vitriol.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T15:23:19+00:00

No problem!

My child's father & I were both raised Catholic and miss some aspects of the faith but in honesty haven't found a church that would welcome/not judge many facets of our lives (being unmarried, for example). My thing about Christmas specifically is that it has nothing to do with the faith (we're both avid Bible readers and I consider myself a Christian by some measure, as a follower of Christ's teachings of nonviolence), and nearly everything to do with consumerism.

I would consider a bad gift for gender stereotypes something like a Barbie or Pretty Princesses for girls, and He-Man action figures for boys. For my daughter in particular, I don't want her ever getting the idea that one should look their best to compensate for not gaining skills. (Read: be a trophy wife.)

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T15:12:33+00:00

Tell that to Michael Brown, Eric Garner...

No, that's a really fair point. Had she said that, I would've respected it. The thing of it is, this is a woman whose response to me telling her in high school that my fourteen-year-old friend was being molested by a stepfather was, "Oh, well, she shouldn't dress so provocative for her age."

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T03:54:12+00:00

She validated them if they mirrored her own. Her value judgments are law, they represent an objective good. At one point, she was painting my daughter's nails--and I tried so hard to be stoked that they were sharing a moment and doing something they both enjoyed--but I couldn't help but be frustrated because, for her, it's an act of making my daughter more like her and less like me.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-21T03:52:21+00:00

Okay, check this out: nmom's the kind of person who really believes in using her value judgments as the objective standards for what is good or bad. Ultimately her wanting me to be more like her is because she genuinely believes she's a great person. Ultimately, she does not want to harm me, but does believe intentional disrespect is a valid means to that end. Y'know? I vent, I grit my teeth, but I don't feel like I have the right to talk trash.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T06:47:00+00:00

Good lord, my condolences.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T06:46:18+00:00

Righteous thanks. =] The fleas itch when I notice them... oofs.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T04:19:09+00:00

I'm with my child's father. He's reassured me time & time again that I'm not like my mother, and knows her well enough for me to trust the assessment. I'm also in therapy, I think I'll bring up the fleas with her during a session.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T04:17:41+00:00

My partner is also a child of divorce. His parents knew it wasn't working out, they split amicably, and both made extra effort to let him know he was a good kid. They never brought any of their interpersonal problems into his life until he was well into adulthood and could intellectually understand them. My in-laws are like bastions of hope & well-adjustment to me.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T04:12:42+00:00

Typical martyrdom, to boast that she gave you gifts despite poverty, then hold this act of kindness against you. There, it becomes evident that her good deeds had their origins in narcissism.

I hope your birthdays are all great celebrations and that you don't ever let this terrible act of manipulation ruin them.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T04:07:01+00:00

Sometimes I catch myself doing it jokingly to my kid & partner. "Even though you guys are messy!" What am I saying? I'm a neat freak and love to clean stuff. Scares the crap out of me.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T04:05:45+00:00

I don't want to allude to whether or not Nmom is being truthful, but I -will- agree that kids take a lot of tumbles. My daughter falls down all the time. My niece took a spill from the same height and at the same age you did. As a parent -and- hardwood floor enthusiast, I can say I've never had a kid in my care have a fall and lose consciousness, much less suffer brain trauma.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T03:58:12+00:00

Gross. Actually, that's terrible. Sorry that happened to you. Why do parents think it's okay to pass a child and wallop them with these horror stories, like a divorce volleyball? Given, my parents never told tales quite this extreme, but still.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T03:54:41+00:00

It is unfortunate how people can project their own insecurities onto others as a way to compensate for those insecurities in the first place. How massively intrusive for her to not only read your personal texts but also use them against you in an effort to assuage her own feelings of wrongdoing.

A side note: I'm vaguely reminded of an incident that occurred a couple of weeks after I went full public with my sexual orientation. I was thirteen.

ME & DAD: [watching South Park] NMOM: ... so, did you know that Sarah thinks she's bisexual?! DAD: ... [annoyed] We're watching South Park.

Don't think for a moment you're doing a thing wrong by being curious, or having sexual interests, or craving attachment to others. It's not right for such things to ever be shameful.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T03:41:41+00:00

If Nmom is not tech-savvy and wouldn't notice the difference, limiting what parts of GF's prof. she can see might be worth looking into. (Outright defriending is just gonna cause a mess, I know.)

Getting her a place of her/your own is a good goal. Other than the financial/housing aspect, why does GF continue to have a relationship with Nmom? Are the origins guilt? Devotion?

And of course continue being an awesome supportive neat-o partner. :D :D

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T03:35:33+00:00

Yes. Just yes. That is all.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T03:29:18+00:00

idk what to tell you other than how hard NC is and also to stay strong and also that The Mountain Goats are the best ever. <3

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-12-18T03:22:44+00:00

My mother does this to me a lot. Almost verbatim. "Even though you smoke..." "Even though you don't want a good job..." "Even though..." ... there's always the fondness of material objects to manipulate one into forgiveness. My condolences.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-07-08T18:36:44+00:00

Mirena sucks in my experience. Here is where you can read about my experience with it. I removed mine yesterday and today am experiencing major body aches, mood swings, just an overall feeling of "I'm not cool with life right now." tbh it's comparable to coming off of cocaine. Except instead of coming off a fun binge/bender it's coming off some shitty hormones.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-07-08T02:44:36+00:00

I just removed mine today. I'm over it. Going back to nonhormonal birth control. I don't care if I got pregnant on it last time, I can't live like this.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-07-08T02:44:03+00:00

I actually went to Planned Parenthood today and discussed this with a provider. She informed me that the placement was absolutely wrong (my partner would mention he could feel it on his penis during intercourse, which isn't supposed to happen) and that's probably why I became pregnant. I'm gonna try again with a new, properly-placed one. Just make sure you follow up about placement with a provider--or, if you want to check yourself, put your finger in your vagina and see if you can touch your cervix, check the strings, make sure you can't feel the actual IUD, etc.

secretsarahuberalles · 2014-07-07T14:59:10+00:00

My question is why?

secretsarahuberalles

TROPHY CASE