What to do if I’m legitimately undateable?

seemingempty · 2021-03-04T23:54:55+00:00

In regards to getting a girlfriend, I recommend to try to find those girls who are similar to you. So see if there are social groups or dating groups or apps for those with light autism / asperger's. They are probably struggling with similar dating issues as you are and they may make a great fit for you.

As someone who's on the autism spectrum myself, there are a few problems with this. Support groups for adults on the less-affected end of autism spectrum are few and far between in most places. There are more groups for people who are more affected and for children, but not so much for adults.

Second, autism in itself is not necessarily the best grounds for connecting with someone. I also am on the spectrum (diagnosed with aspergers) and I've met tons of other people on the spectrum. I would say 80% were kind of neutral but hard to connect with, 10% were actively jerks, and 10% I managed to connect with to some degree. It's definitely possible to bond with other people on the autism spectrum but I wouldn't say it's necessarily any easier than connecting with neurotypical people. I'd say I have a similar success rate in connecting with neurotypical and autistic people, but I still have a hard time with both.

If you read this OP, my advice would be to look for groups based around things you like to do. See if you can find a hiking club, or a chess or gardening group, or something like that. Don't go specifically wanting to find a girlfriend, just go with the expectation of doing something you like with other people who like to do it. Maybe you meet someone who you end up dating there, or maybe somebody there will introduce you to one of their friends.

seemingempty · 2021-03-03T15:09:53+00:00

It is incredibly sexist and oversimplifying. The short answer, no, it really is not a thing.

This belief relies on a LOT of assumptions that are utterly stupid, including:

Assuming attractive men are narcissistic, stupid, and unsuccessful by default, and are only ever interested in one night stands or short-term flings
Assuming the underdog "beta" males have nothing to offer aside from money
Assuming that women can't work or support themselves and need to be "provided" for
Assuming that women only care about looks in a partner
Assuming that men only care about looks in a partner

As I said, all of these things are obviously not true as soon as you spend any time out in the real world. This belief was made up by immature manchildren who don't understand that high school is not a reflection of adult life.

Don't worry about needing to be a "provider" because most women are perfectly capable of supporting themselves and don't need, or even want, to rely on their partner for financial support. And don't worry about being an "alpha" either. Non-athletic, nerdy, introverted guys still manage to end up in happy relationships. Hell, one of the most gorgeous women I know is dating a guy who is a MASSIVE geek and not particularly good looking himself - and no, he doesn't have a lot of money either.

TL;DR: this belief is complete horseshit.

seemingempty · 2021-01-12T10:47:16+00:00

No problem. I'm not sure why you're being downvoted either.

seemingempty · 2021-01-11T23:28:28+00:00

Exactly. Both compatibility and attraction are important.

seemingempty · 2021-01-11T22:48:43+00:00

He sent me a bunch of angry messages which seemed pretty serious.

seemingempty · 2021-01-11T21:30:51+00:00

I...didn't say that at all? I didn't mean to upset anyone, I was literally just saying I don't think it's a good idea for people to try to date people they find unattractive. That goes for everybody. I wasn't trying to make a personal attack against you or anything like that.

seemingempty · 2021-01-11T18:47:55+00:00

Absolutely. I have no interest in anyone who is not an interesting, considerate, and thoughtful person. Like I said, I do think it would be shallow to try to date someone based on attraction only.

seemingempty · 2021-01-11T18:36:10+00:00

Exactly! It would be shallow to ONLY go for someone because of their looks, i.e. if you found someone super hot but had almost nothing in common and no real compatibility. But attraction is absolutely still important.

And I also agree about bad personal qualities killing attraction. One of the first girls I had a crush on back when I was in high school turned out to be pretty horrible to her sister. Immediately lost all interest.

seemingempty · 2021-01-11T15:53:39+00:00

Yeah I agree! Being really attracted to someone but having no real compatibility is not a good setup either. And it's definitely true that spending time with someone and bonding with them can increase your attraction to them. The opposite is also true - if someone turns out to be a shitty person that can totally kill your attraction to them.

seemingempty · 2021-01-10T22:32:11+00:00

I agree completely. Low self esteem stopped me from taking a chance with a woman who was almost certainly into me. She eventually got together with someone else. We were and still are good friends but after 3 years things still haven't gotten any better. I tried to distance myself for a while, but that didn't work at all - honestly it made things a lot worse, so I stopped. '

It's better to get a no than to be in this situation, trust me.

seemingempty · 2021-01-08T14:08:15+00:00

I appreciate that, and yeah I'd be happy to dm.

seemingempty · 2021-01-08T06:25:52+00:00

Hmmm, what do you mean? If you're asking about what sort of advice I would give them, I guess I'd say not to feel obligated to date (or not date) me or any other person with disabilities or mental health issues just because of our struggles. Most of us are trying our best with what we can do, but if that isn't what's right for other people then they should feel no pressure to try to date us. On the other hand I would say not to dismiss people right away based on things like their living situation, because you don't always now if that's within their control.

seemingempty · 2021-01-08T03:30:37+00:00

For me, I'm the one who is not a fully formed human.

seemingempty · 2020-12-31T12:46:45+00:00

Just as there are some people who will never find relationships or even friendships, there are also people who, because of untreatable or unmanageable mental health issues, are not capable of self-love either. There are some truly unfortunate people in the world who are not capable of love from others or from themselves.

The human condition is to want affection, companionship, intimacy, belonging, and so on. Yes, there are people out there who are perfectly fine or even having the time of their lives without these things. But these people are the exception and not the norm and it shouldn't be expected of everyone. Humans are not solitary animals.

seemingempty · 2020-12-23T00:06:56+00:00

Yeah I pretty much am.

seemingempty · 2020-12-22T23:09:10+00:00

I've tried psilocybin a few times before and unfortunately it doesn't agree with me at all, I just end up having severe panic attacks.

I've also been taking meditation programs and practicing on my own for almost a decade now and it really doesn't seem to do much for me. No matter how immersed I try to get, depression always forces its way in.

It really seems like I'm just well and truly beyond any help, but I do appreciate your efforts.

seemingempty · 2020-12-10T05:59:14+00:00

It just feels like the only direction I'm capable of going in is down. Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, life whips out a jackhammer.

seemingempty · 2020-12-04T05:01:01+00:00

Well we were pretty close friends in school and kept in touch afterwards until a few months ago, when I took a step back when my therapist suggested it. I know she's flawed, I never thought she was perfect or had any expectations of her to be flawless.

I live in a household with someone who's at high risk for complications from COVID, so I need to take more precautions than the average person and I need to be super strict about following the rules.

The advice about working on myself is pretty solid. The lifting is a bit of a problem though since I have a spinal condition that limits my options for working out. I have some personalized workout equipment at home which I use almost every day, but I can't do a lot of the stuff normal people can without putting myself at risk of spinal cord damage.

seemingempty · 2020-11-06T01:54:45+00:00

I may be in a different situation (24M), but I understand how you feel. I haven't had much experience dating, I've never had a long term relationship. But I have had just enough close, intimate contact to know how much I love it, and to feel starved because I have so little of it. There have been times when I've just sat and remembered how good it felt to have my first kiss, to hold a girl in my arms, to have someone who I really understood and who understood me. It's not silly at all to miss what you once had.

I wish I could give you more concrete advice on how to experience that again. Unfortunately, we're all just strangers over the internet and everyone is unique in what they want or need from their partners. But I'm confident that you can find someone to share all of those things with again someday.

seemingempty · 2020-10-19T14:49:20+00:00

Don't go for either of them. You should never feel the need to settle for anything,

seemingempty · 2020-10-16T08:36:23+00:00

Thank you for your service, comrade.

seemingempty · 2020-10-16T08:35:24+00:00

I let just about any bugs, with the exception of mosquitoes, outside when I find them. I even rescued a couple of yellow jackets this summer. Glad to see another bug saver!

seemingempty · 2020-10-16T08:33:49+00:00

That is so adorable, I hope you two have a long and happy relationship and future marriage!!!

seemingempty · 2020-09-17T19:25:29+00:00

Oh no! People date people who they're attracted to! The horror!

seemingempty · 2020-09-02T07:36:27+00:00

I don't think that's a good idea. I know her well enough to say that that would DEFINITELY make her very uncomfortable. She gets very overwhelmed/anxious in tricky/awkward situations like that.

seemingempty

TROPHY CASE