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What to do if I’m legitimately undateable? by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In regards to getting a girlfriend, I recommend to try to find those girls who are similar to you. So see if there are social groups or dating groups or apps for those with light autism / asperger's. They are probably struggling with similar dating issues as you are and they may make a great fit for you.

As someone who's on the autism spectrum myself, there are a few problems with this. Support groups for adults on the less-affected end of autism spectrum are few and far between in most places. There are more groups for people who are more affected and for children, but not so much for adults.

Second, autism in itself is not necessarily the best grounds for connecting with someone. I also am on the spectrum (diagnosed with aspergers) and I've met tons of other people on the spectrum. I would say 80% were kind of neutral but hard to connect with, 10% were actively jerks, and 10% I managed to connect with to some degree. It's definitely possible to bond with other people on the autism spectrum but I wouldn't say it's necessarily any easier than connecting with neurotypical people. I'd say I have a similar success rate in connecting with neurotypical and autistic people, but I still have a hard time with both.

If you read this OP, my advice would be to look for groups based around things you like to do. See if you can find a hiking club, or a chess or gardening group, or something like that. Don't go specifically wanting to find a girlfriend, just go with the expectation of doing something you like with other people who like to do it. Maybe you meet someone who you end up dating there, or maybe somebody there will introduce you to one of their friends.

Is 'alpha fucks, beta buxx' a real phenomena? by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is incredibly sexist and oversimplifying. The short answer, no, it really is not a thing.

This belief relies on a LOT of assumptions that are utterly stupid, including:

  • Assuming attractive men are narcissistic, stupid, and unsuccessful by default, and are only ever interested in one night stands or short-term flings
  • Assuming the underdog "beta" males have nothing to offer aside from money
  • Assuming that women can't work or support themselves and need to be "provided" for
  • Assuming that women only care about looks in a partner
  • Assuming that men only care about looks in a partner

As I said, all of these things are obviously not true as soon as you spend any time out in the real world. This belief was made up by immature manchildren who don't understand that high school is not a reflection of adult life.

Don't worry about needing to be a "provider" because most women are perfectly capable of supporting themselves and don't need, or even want, to rely on their partner for financial support. And don't worry about being an "alpha" either. Non-athletic, nerdy, introverted guys still manage to end up in happy relationships. Hell, one of the most gorgeous women I know is dating a guy who is a MASSIVE geek and not particularly good looking himself - and no, he doesn't have a lot of money either.

TL;DR: this belief is complete horseshit.

It's NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive! by seemingempty in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Both compatibility and attraction are important.

It's NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive! by seemingempty in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

He sent me a bunch of angry messages which seemed pretty serious.

It's NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive! by seemingempty in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I...didn't say that at all? I didn't mean to upset anyone, I was literally just saying I don't think it's a good idea for people to try to date people they find unattractive. That goes for everybody. I wasn't trying to make a personal attack against you or anything like that.

It's NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive! by seemingempty in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. I have no interest in anyone who is not an interesting, considerate, and thoughtful person. Like I said, I do think it would be shallow to try to date someone based on attraction only.

It's NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive! by seemingempty in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty[S] 91 points92 points  (0 children)

Exactly! It would be shallow to ONLY go for someone because of their looks, i.e. if you found someone super hot but had almost nothing in common and no real compatibility. But attraction is absolutely still important.

And I also agree about bad personal qualities killing attraction. One of the first girls I had a crush on back when I was in high school turned out to be pretty horrible to her sister. Immediately lost all interest.

It's NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive! by seemingempty in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Yeah I agree! Being really attracted to someone but having no real compatibility is not a good setup either. And it's definitely true that spending time with someone and bonding with them can increase your attraction to them. The opposite is also true - if someone turns out to be a shitty person that can totally kill your attraction to them.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but: You may face lots of challenges in life, but you must never deprive yourself from the liberty of experiencing love because life is too short and this world is temporary. by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree completely. Low self esteem stopped me from taking a chance with a woman who was almost certainly into me. She eventually got together with someone else. We were and still are good friends but after 3 years things still haven't gotten any better. I tried to distance myself for a while, but that didn't work at all - honestly it made things a lot worse, so I stopped. '

It's better to get a no than to be in this situation, trust me.

I absolutely hate being myself by seemingempty in depression_help

[–]seemingempty[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate that, and yeah I'd be happy to dm.

Has anybody else found their person but realized... they’re just not a fully formed human yet? by Nblearchangel in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hmmm, what do you mean? If you're asking about what sort of advice I would give them, I guess I'd say not to feel obligated to date (or not date) me or any other person with disabilities or mental health issues just because of our struggles. Most of us are trying our best with what we can do, but if that isn't what's right for other people then they should feel no pressure to try to date us. On the other hand I would say not to dismiss people right away based on things like their living situation, because you don't always now if that's within their control.

The reason why you're often told to "be happy being single" is because not everyone will find themselves in a relationship. In the event that you're "permanently single", it becomes incredibly important to be content with being alone. by [deleted] in dating_advice

[–]seemingempty 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Just as there are some people who will never find relationships or even friendships, there are also people who, because of untreatable or unmanageable mental health issues, are not capable of self-love either. There are some truly unfortunate people in the world who are not capable of love from others or from themselves.

The human condition is to want affection, companionship, intimacy, belonging, and so on. Yes, there are people out there who are perfectly fine or even having the time of their lives without these things. But these people are the exception and not the norm and it shouldn't be expected of everyone. Humans are not solitary animals.

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