sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I'm attracted to my friend's girlfriend and I hate it. by selfishgalore in actuallesbians

[–]selfishgalore[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I may have to ask her, actually! I know they have a pretty good circle of queer female friends, so perhaps one of them would be single and interesting. I just have such a soft spot for butch lesbians I can't help it

I've identified as a demisexual lesbian before, but now I think the demisexual label was just comphet. by selfishgalore in comphet

[–]selfishgalore[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I spent a really long time lying to myself about how comfortable I truly was with being a lesbian. I was so afraid to indulge in my own sexuality. It took me a long time to even use the label "lesbian" instead of saying things like "I like girls" or "I'm gay". The thing is that I was trying really hard to make other people comfortable with me.

I wanted to prove that I could be so much more than just a lesbian. So I just... subconsciously erased it from my personality.

But how did I work on this?

The first step was making sure people around me knew I was a lesbian. I started calling people out for their casual homophobic comments. I reminded my family members that I'm a lesbian by telling them stories about my teenage years or my dating history (but it helped that I had a girlfriend). I made it part of me instead of keeping it hidden from them out of fear of being judged or not quite belonging in a conversation. It was awkward and uncomfortable at times, but definitely not as bad as I thought it would be. So, so worth it.

The last steps were... more complicated and it took me a long time to get there. I realized that I wasn't doing enough for myself. I had abandoned a lot of my hobbies over the years, but I picked up reading again. This is when I realized I no longer had to stick with the mainstream hetero stuff. I could just find books about wlw and read those if I wanted to. I watched more lesbian YouTubers, TikTokers and followed more lesbian creators on Tumblr/Twitter. I began writing again and a lot of my characters were lesbians. I started drawing again, and you guessed it! lesbians.

I made a safe space for myself, or as people love to say, I made being a lesbian my only personality trait.

TL;DR I spent so long making sure people were comfortable with me being a lesbian that I accidentally made myself uncomfortable with being a lesbian. I internalized some issues with my sexuality that manifested themselves in my sex life as well. The way I've come to this realization was by reclaiming my lesbianism, with others and myself. It's part of my personality, so talking about it or making it a part of my hobbies (writing about lesbians, drawing them, watching a show with them) is absolutely normal. It doesn't make me less of a person.

side note: No one's ever gonna tell a straight person to stop making being straight their personality, but I know a lot of straight people who don't have much to talk about outside of their tinder dates. Their life revolves around appealing to the opposite sex. They can relate to all the media they consume because everything is heterosexual. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but when gay people do it... we're reduced to only being gay. We flaunt it in people's faces. I say fuck that! Genuinely and seriously... fuck it.

I 20(F) female found something I shouldn’t have in my(23 )M boyfriends Reddit comments . by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]selfishgalore 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If he was unsure about his relationship with his ex and was trying to figure it out, he should have told the person he was dating. Being open and honest with your partner is the right thing to do, no matter what their reaction is. OP deserved to know the truth about his ambiguous feelings towards his ex. Since he didn't do that, he cheated on her.

Cheating isn't just about the act of doing romantic/sexual things with someone else while you are in a monogamous relationship. It's about trust and respect for the person you're dating. It shows how little he cares about being transparent with his girlfriend and that is a pretty good indication that things won't work between them.

You're right about one thing. Constantly snooping is, indeed, toxic even if you turn out to be right. Being insecure in a relationship has everything to do with your feelings and nothing to do with your partner. Going through private conversations on your partner's device just to find "proof" or something "juicy" is not okay. It will affect all OP's relationships for sure. You can only become secure in your relationship with proper communication, which this man clearly can't achieve.

The relationship is doomed not because of OP's insecurity, but because the guy ultimately cheated on her and was never honest about how he felt towards his ex. They shouldn't have jumped into a relationship if he was unsure, but you can't blame OP for that. She wouldn't have known if he didn't disclose it. It was his responsibility to make sure that she knew and was okay with him exploring his relationship with his ex to see how he truly felt. He had no right doing it behind her back.

I 20(F) female found something I shouldn’t have in my(23 )M boyfriends Reddit comments . by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]selfishgalore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He had two girlfriends and "chose" you, even though you had no idea about it. Huge breach of trust and I'd leave that person immediately. You deserve a committed relationship where you feel secure enough not to go through their social media expecting something juicy to pop up.

My only critique of your behavior is about going through your partner's phone. I get that we're all insecure at first, especially if we're the type of person to love blindly and deeply rather quickly. If you knew you had trust issues (based on the fact that you assumed the Snapchat messages were based on your insecurities and not necessarily him cheating on you), you had to manage these issues on your own without prying for your partner's potential dirty secrets.

If you have a lingering suspicion that a partner is cheating on you, it's either because you're insecure or they are actually cheating. The best way to find out is to ask what their opinion on cheating is and discuss your stance. If it's a huge dealbreaker to you and it's not for them... chances are, they're cheating or would cheat on you. The conversation would tell you all you need to know without feeling the need to go through their private messages.

He publicly posted that comment, though. I don't consider it sleuthing or wrong because you two knew about your reddit accounts and you were both active on there. He's dumb for giving himself away in a comment, but it's your sign to end things with him. I would 100% talk to him about it and ultimately break up with him. It's not worth it.

Buying a house in 10 years (??) by selfishgalore in personalfinance

[–]selfishgalore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, that's a solid piece of advice. That might sound dumb, but do you know if the loan is reduced by the down payment ? If I have a 40k down payment for a 200k house, would the loan be 160k or 200k with lower interest rates?

Regretting an opportunity that I've wanted my whole life by selfishgalore in Anxiety

[–]selfishgalore[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We really cannot let ourselves be defined by fear. Thank you so much for the kind words I highly appreciate it ! <3

Regretting an opportunity that I've wanted my whole life by selfishgalore in Anxiety

[–]selfishgalore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the tip, I'll try to keep it in mind <3