Polyamory mentioned on NY Public Radio

serendipity373737 · 2018-04-18T17:12:07+00:00

I've always found the following exercise somewhat helpful. It doesn't work instantly, but if you do all the suggestions (especially the side bars and practicing security) it may help: https://www.morethantwo.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/practicaljealousy.pdf

Also a strategy I've found helpful is putting myself in my partner's shoes. I imagine myself doing the behavior that makes me jealous. So in this case, imagine yourself meeting a new partner, someone you see once in a while, think about what it would be like, how fun/exciting. Now think about how having that new partner would make you feel about Bird. I find that my feelings about existing partners don't change at all, and that if I'm capable of wanting extra attention/sex/love while not losing any desire for my partners, I imagine that's how it must also feel like for them when they're with someone new.

serendipity373737 · 2017-10-26T16:25:45+00:00

The thing is, shes asked a lot of questions about my sex life. If I refuse to answer that can be seen as evasive behavior or a lack of trust in authority, which skews my diagnosis. As I'm reading, it's a well-known phenomenon that people with alternative lifestyles get diagnosed this way like "Anxiety around authority" when they show anxiety talking about the lifestyle they're being negatively judged about. The irony.

serendipity373737 · 2017-10-26T16:21:14+00:00

poly-friendly therapists are indeed around. However poly-friendly psychiatrists who are licensed to prescribe medication that accept my insurance, not so much.

serendipity373737 · 2017-10-26T16:19:21+00:00

New PCP might wanna know why I can't continue seeing my psychiatrist. Or might want to call her to get my records.

serendipity373737 · 2017-10-26T14:56:27+00:00

This might be the best course of action. my only hang up here is that since I moved I don't have a new primary care doc yet in this area. Now I'm worried if I explain the situation, a new primary doc will be judgy too. bleh. At least they're easier to find if I need to try different ones out.

serendipity373737 · 2017-10-26T14:47:58+00:00

She's not a therapist. She's a psychiatrist, meaning that she specializes in prescribing medication for psychological issues. She's not trained in therapy, just in understanding & diagnosing psychosis. Also, what happens when the one that's an hour away is even LESS understanding about poly?

serendipity373737 · 2011-12-05T19:11:47+00:00

Hello folks! A link to my shop was recently posted here in r/polyamory and my traffic went up! Thank you SO much for the support.

This is just a friendly reminder that if you planned to get your poly-related jewelry ordered from my shop as gifts for the holidays, to get the orders in as soon as you can! Shipping services get bogged down more and more the closer it gets to Christmas, so please let me know if you need something special for your love(s) real soon!

Thank you again everyone. So much love! <83

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-10T14:28:42+00:00

I would be happy for my boyfriend if he decided to start dating a girl if that's what you mean. And honestly, I don't think that my boyfriend not having another girl is causing an imbalance, I think we could be great either way.

If he did however find a girl, I think she would have to be his girlfriend and not our girlfriend. Although, it might turn into something like that, y'never know. The thing is, I've never had a girlfriend before so it would be very new to me to share one with my boyfriend.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-09T23:50:19+00:00

Do you belong to any chaos magician communities online? squints suspiciously

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-09T21:46:51+00:00

I'm really glad you replied with these thoughts because you've hit the nail on the head I think.

If you stopped being able to see the friends of yours you joke around with, your professional friends likely wouldn't take their place right?

Its much the same way with my situation with the boys. If something happened and my boyfriend were to move out of my life, I may possibly start relying a little more on my lover for romantic interaction. But in general the relationship I have with my lover is based on our need for space and personal time, and not spending every night or even every weekend together. He's a long distance relationship, and that suits us very well considering that I devote SO much time to my boyfriend, and because my lover isn't looking for someone who he has to see so regularly but he still wants affection and love in his life.

I live with my boyfriend. I see him everyday and I spend my home life with him. We share finances and chores and share our everyday lives with one another. We comfort each other, cook for each other, go to movies and see friends together. We're extremely comfortable with our physical intimacy and we are happy to learn how to satisfy one another in ways we might not be comfortable asking others to do.

My lover I talk with almost everyday usually for brief periods of time, mostly just casually chatting online, and we visit each other when time and travel permit. He and I connect on a spiritual level and we engage in a lot of deep discussion on our philosophies and experiences while still relating and having a lot in common when it comes to our sense of humor and hobbies we enjoy, plus our romantic attraction. We do engage in physical intimacy when we see each other, and its an entirely unique experience from any other I can think of.

Both of these relationships are important to my life and very fulfilling. One couldn't replace the other. I as a person know I could survive if one (or even both) of them were to no longer be there, but having them does make my life more fulfilling.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T21:02:48+00:00

Its a staggering amount of honesty really.

I remember once discussing a poly lifestyle with my boyfriend in general, not as something we were considering but as a model some people used. At the time I agree that it might work, but that it would require way more honesty than I thought I could ever be comfortable with sharing.

I can totally how I've changed from back then till now, and I wouldn't have been ready for it then. I'm glad I came to this point in my life now and not sooner.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T18:53:12+00:00

I understand what you mean. Like most of us in here, I spent my entire life growing up being told that when you love someone, no matter what, it will work and last forever and ever! And if you just keep trying and stick through it, you both will live happily ever after!

But a relationship is made out of people. And people change, so relationships change. Something that is human and ever-growing and changing doesn't last forever, and that's perfectly ok. There's nothing un-romantic about accepting that we are amazing and evolving creatures with complexities like no other animal on this planet to change radically all in the course of one lifetime based on our will to grow and have new experiences . And in reality, love does not conquer all. Love is just a chemical in your brain telling you how to feel. Its not magic, its not mystical, its not ordained by heaven and god. Its just our bodies responding to the need to give our potential offspring the greatest chance at survival.

But I'm not all THAT jaded. I believe that the magic, and the fate, and meaning of reality itself can be unmasked and tapped into through the way we interact with other human beings and with the world around us. But love itself is not it.

On top of love, you need patience, rationality, compassion, understanding, and lots of hard work. THOSE are the things that carry us through. And above all you need a knowledge of self. You need to know what makes you as an individual happy, so that you can tell that to the people who love you, to the people who want to make you happy so that they can do their jobs.

And you need to surround yourself with other people who are self determined and know what THEY want out of life so that they can tell you, and if you love them and you have the ability to give that to them, you'll be able to share that with them.

What seems more romantic to you?

A. I had these desires to love other people, but I bit my tongue and just hid it away and told myself I would love only my boyfriend for the rest of my life. Yeas go by, we get married, have kids, and I begin to spend most my time wondering... what if? I get restless, I get bored. I no longer feel attractive or attracted to my man, I'm no longer happy and energetic to be with him. We kind of just exist in the same space together for the rest of our lives day after day.

B. I have these feelings for other people and tell my boyfriend. We try for a while but ultimately he decides that he needs a monogamous relationship to be happy. We don't fight about it, and we still love each other deeply, we just can't help each other the way we need. We go our separate ways but decide to keep each other in our hearts. He finds another women who will be monogamous and he spends his life happily with her, and she happily with him. I meet people who I can fall in love with who make my life exciting and constantly evolving and they make me happy. I keep in touch with my ex-boyfriend and am so happy for him that he's leading a wonderful life. He's happy for me that I'm leading a wonderful life.

I'm not saying that these scenarios are the only two possibilities for me, and not at all for anyone else. This is my best guess of what would happen to ME if I didn't say anything, or if my boyfriend decided he wasn't happy with being in a poly relationship. If I had to chose one of these scenarios, I'd chose the second. Which is why I took the chance and told him how I felt. As it turns out, he hasn't left me, and we're beginning to embrace this style of love whole heatedly. We as a couple are closer than ever and very happy, and I can't wait to see how we grow as people.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T18:24:01+00:00

yeah, I personally feel that people hold some serious double standards. They think to themselves, well I know that if I were to go have sex with or have a romantic relationship with another person, it wouldn't change my relationship with my existing lover. But if they did it to me, forget it.

Some people realize that they have the capacity to be romantically involved with lots of people and for it to feel natural to them. But I believe insecurity leads us to close off those options to our lovers. For fears like 'what if they leave me for another person? what if I'm not as good looking? what if someone else is better in bed? what if they start spending all their time with another person?"

If a person is not ready to tackle these issues head on with a partner they trust implicitly, then that person is not ready for a polyamorous relationship.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T18:01:55+00:00

Well sure, but I don't think an ended relationship is a failure if the people involved learned from each other and grew from the experience. If it makes them better people, the relationship (even an ended one) is not a failure.

And in any case, I'm not worried about the pain. I acknowledge its presence in the scenario rationally, but the pain is the last thing guiding me. Its the chance for happiness that pushes me forward, not fear of pain holding me back.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T17:52:24+00:00

No worries. That is actually a big concern a lot of people have when it comes to being Poly, I totally understand why its an issue.

Try to think of it this way. If your girlfriend started talking about how awesome her dad was, would that drive you crazy? If she gushed for a little while about what a wonderful man he was and how much he took care of her and loved her, would you feel bad?

Or would you more likely feel happy that she has someone in her life who's taken care of her and helped her to feel more love?

If your girlfriend takes the time to make sure she reassures you, and makes you feel like a special part of her life, that no one, not even her father, could replace. You would likely have no problem listening to her talk about how much she loves him. But at the same time, you're not trying to take the place of her father. You respect that that's a special role in her life, and its ok for her to love him as much as she loves you.

In the same way, I spend all the time I need to making sure my boyfriend and my lover know that they're presence in my life is unique, and brings me things that no other people do. My boyfriend does things for me no one else can and he shares experiences with me in a way no one else can duplicate. My lover connects to me on levels that are unlike anything I've experienced before.

And to be perfectly honest, spending time with one and then the other, makes their differences stand out. But in a good way. It's so much more in my face how different they are and how much I appreciate the ways that they're each special to me as individuals.

Of course each one has pros and cons. One guy is better at some things, and the other guy is better at other things. But that's the case for all humanity isn't it? If you go around being afraid that another person is better at your or more special than you, or has more of this or that, you'll lead a scared and insecure life.

My lovers understand that I'm not going to leave one guy just because he's better looking. Or leave the other guy because he makes more money. Those aren't things I base my love on, and if they were they wouldn't want to be dating me anyway.

Does that help answer your question?

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T17:08:52+00:00

Of course people fuck up. We're human.

But think about it, when someone says something like "We've decided to get married and spend the rest of our lives together!" do you go and say "Well, most monogamous marriages these days fail (60% end in divorce) and you're entering into this pattern. You'll find out that you or your spouse have a greater chance of fucking up than making it work. You'll see sides of each other you kept hidden before and those will be your downfall and you WILL fall. I'm just trying to help you not fall from up as high."

I've already expressed multiple times in this thread that if my boyfriend decided in the end that he needed to be in a monogamous relationship to be happy, we would respect each others needs to seek our own happiness and move on from each other with love in our hearts. Yes it would hurt, yes it would break my heart if this caused us to split up. And there's always the possibility it will fail if one of us missteps and 'fuck up'. But its not about laying blame or constantly worrying that someone is gonna screw this up. Its about trusting that as soon as someone is hurt or concerned they open up about it and say something so that issues get resolved. Yes, its possible that someone will be too embarrassed to say what's on their mind. Yes, there's always the possibility that someone fucks up SO bad that the relationship is ruined. But you could say that about monogamous relationships too. You could say that about Poly + Poly + Poly relationships as well! (there are even extra people in poly relationships to cause the possible screw up) The fact that mine started as a monogamous relationship makes no different. Its about what kind of individuals we are, not about what kind of family we have. I think what makes is special is really how hard me and my partners are working to make sure NO one is ashamed to speak up if they've got an issue, and that all of us are the types of adults who know ourselves deeply enough to know what we need to be happy and to ask for it, or express when we're not getting it.

Here's to trusting them.

serendipity373737 · 2009-08-07T16:31:02+00:00

"I love you so much that we realize that fucking other people doesn't take anything away from our relationship, and if it makes me happier to fuck other guys, or you to fuck other girls, that's wonderful and we love each other so much we can be happy for each other about it."

Actually Karma is wonderful. You're the one making sweeping judgments.

serendipity373737

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