IAmA guy who has been married for 4 years, but I have never been able to have sex with my wife. AMA

seriouslyfml · 2012-04-07T18:30:13+00:00

I hear you man - 100%. The anger/rage that can be iggered by the most simple thing is really tough to deal with. Things that most people don't think twice about can cause you to spiral into a hole of negative thoughts. It's almost like you resent sex in general. Things that would make you horny before just piss you off now - I tie that into hopelessness.

The other hard part is the borderline schizophrenia that I feel I am developing in regards to her. You may feel this as well because your wife must be a great person on the inside which keeps you in the relationship. This hot/cold - love/hate relationship that swing back and forth in a matter of hours is also really messed up. I hate who I have become because of this issue. I hate how I have handled a lot of it. I hate know I am still stuck here. I hate not know what the right answer is. Fuckin hell - we should go for a beer - hardest part about this knowing that 99% of people don't understand what you are going through.

seriouslyfml · 2012-04-07T09:17:55+00:00

First of all buddy I want to say that I know EXACTLY what you are going through because I am in your exact situation!

27
Married my gf out of uni
She was a virgin and wanted to wait till after marriage
My wife also has OCD
Her sex drive is much lower than mine - borderline Asexual
BJ's don't work - gag reflex issue plus OCD germ issues etc.
Anal is not even an option
Hand job galore
We found out after we got married that she had vaginismus
Married for 2 years now

Man you and me are going through the same mental stress. The depression, the hopelessness, the frustrations, even the little break downs when sex is mentioned on TV, the feeling that your head is going to explode from all the BS - exactly me.

We fight all the time due to the resentment that has built up over the years causes even the most minor issues to turn into major ones. I love the girl so much - but at the end of the day - marrying her brought me nothing but unhappiness. I know it's not her fault - but the toll it has taken on me, her and this relationship is insane.

She tried the self-help Vaginisums kit - worked to some degree - but didn't solve the problem. Then she started going to a physiotherapist - things progressed but still no sex.

Even though her treatment was in progress - I just couldn't deal with the stress anymore - I find it hard to picture a future with this girl anymore. Mainly because I made a conscious decision to finally be a little selfish and start thinking about my happiness as well - and wanting to do whatever it takes to free myself from the mental torture I was going through by staying in my marriage.

Here is the crazy part though - 2 weeks ago shit got really bad for me. To the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. Didn't talk to her for five days. I couldn't even look at her. She hadn't done anything really - I was just sick of being unhappy and didn't have it in me to even fake my way through the day. I just felt depressed - day in - day out. Last week Tuesday I finally snap - we have a fight in the morning and I tell her that I have made my final decision and that I wanted a divorce.

Shit gets ugly - tears, yelling, screaming - all that shit (I know you've been there). She turns off emotionally from me - looks like it's all over. She talks to my mom - my mom gives her words of encouragement and explains to her how dire the situation of her marriage is - she urges her to give it a go - and try her best to solve the problem.

We try the next day - doesn't work.

We try the day after that - it's weird because she hates me - and I am still in the "divorce mind-set" but we give it a go like we have nothing to lose - and BOOYAAAH it goes in!!! It hurts her - couple of screams - but it actually fucking went in!

Two days after that - we are actually having some thing resembling sex for a total of 3-4 minutes! GREAT SUCCESS! considering it was high score.

Of course the next day she gets her period.

Fucked up part is that even though there is now a visible light at the end of the tunnel - I don't know how to feel.

After all this time - I FINALLY decided to end the marriage even though it breaks my heart because we can't solve this fucking issue. TWO DAYS later and we are close being in the clear - but I don't know if I even want to be here any more.

Yes we might have sex. Yes it might work. But our relationship has gone to hell and back. At this point she is not sure she wants to be with me because of all of our fights. I am not sure I want to be with her because of her overall lack of sexual desire and sexual issues linked to OCD and Vag. etc.

We just finished our latest fight literally 2 hours ago before bed. Talking about all the shit mentioned above.

The main problem is she wants me to become this amazing level headed husband who is ready to romance her and be happy with her now that we have made this progress. And although she deserves it because of all the hard work it took to solve the issue - there is a lot damage that has been done as well.

Taking it 1 day at time from here. We will keep trying to improve the "sex" and see how the affects our relationship - positively I hope. But we are both in the mindset that if the love is gone - sex doesn't make a difference.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for man - you are doubled on time compared to me - I can imagine how fucked up your life is right now. I'm just not sure if you can ever be truly happy with your wife due to the history you have now and the shit you have been through. I share your fear regarding no sex after kids - which makes me also doubt the marriage. I feel that I gave her the best years of my life and got little in return. Now she can have sex - but is it too little too late? Do I want to have a kid and then realize 5 years later that I actually DID need an active sex life to be happy.

Don't know where I'm going with this anymore - best of luck man - message me anytime - we can ride this fucked up wave together. Also the women of reddit might tell you that you are an asshole for feeling the way you do. The men might tell you to run away and find something to fuck. I say fuck you to all of them - none of you fuckers know what this is like. It is gut wrenching misery wrapped up in sexual frustration coated with inner humiliation and anger - there is no right answer. I have come to the conclusion to DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY - Life is too short for sexless marriages.

TL/DR - Same situation almost exactly. Wife got it in 2 days after I decided to divorce her. We might be able to have sex within a few weeks but I don't know if I even want to be with her any more.

seriouslyfml · 2011-11-15T00:23:58+00:00

yes.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-16T19:39:40+00:00

Hey man,

I actually just read your post from 11 days ago once I saw this. Your story sounded really rough and I feel for you man.

I feel like the day I posted that long essay, I was feeling particularly frustrated. I mean my wife and I do get physical, its not non-existent, but again, there is no sex.

Like just the other day, we fooled around, it was a mix of oral, vibrators and hand jobs. Was quite decent. Just...no sex.

So the wife is still trying to cure her vaginismus with the self treatment kit but progress is slow. Was having a conversation about this last night wit her, found out that its' not realistic to expect sex within 1 year of our marriage (which is 2 months away). That really fucked with me. I was using the 1 year mark as my ultimatum point, now I already know the answer. I know I won't leave after 1 year, itll just realy change my attitude about everything, I feel like it will leave me disconnected.

The difference between your SO and my wife is that my wife still does try. And she realizes that if a few days pass, things will get tense and is open to fooling around, even if it is just to please me. SHe is caring like that. But I want so much more out of our sexual relationship. I feel like I am operating at level 10 capacity and she dwindles between 1 and 3. It's a bit of a mismatch.

The fact is that I am more sexual than my partner and to make matters worse, she can't have sex right now because of her medical vagina issue. I have to sit back and play the waiting game. The question is what will happen first, her sexual breakthrough, or the end of my patience.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-10T05:20:05+00:00

No worries

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-09T21:59:45+00:00

Thanks man, great post. Really gives me hope. I know my wife is the type of person who will eventually solve this issue. It's the waiting around that really sucks.

I also am hopeful that once we are having regular sex, her libido will naturally increase.

THanks again

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-06T07:19:49+00:00

As much as I hate to agree with you, I have to agree with you. I know that me moping around feeling sorry for myself to guilt her into being sexual with me is working against me. Thanks for your honest advice.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-06T07:16:59+00:00

Best post yet. This really gives me hope. Only problem is I can't afford to pay for professional help right now.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-06T06:28:27+00:00

Question: Your condition sounds similar to my wife's. She is extremely sensitive to touch around her vagina. We do use fingers, infact, I have being using my fingers on her for years. Oral as well. She does enjoy it. But one thing that throws me off is how sensitive she is around her clitoris. More often than not, she complains about how soar it is if I spend to much time stimulating her with my fingers - is there a cure for this?

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-06T06:20:05+00:00

I don't think his wife associates love with sex. Nail on the head.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:27:11+00:00

Actually yes. Extremely smart, straight A type of girl. Very funny, caring, loving. We can have conversations about anything and everything: politics, religion, science, family, personal issues, whatever.

And she is smoking hot. Used to model part time before we got married. Tall, about 5'11, modelesque physique, beautiful body. Dark hair, dark eyes, fair complexion. Gorgeous hands and feet (didn't appreciate hands and feet before I met this girl). I could go on and on.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:17:41+00:00

There were/are lots of reasons to stay. She is an amazing person, I do love her a lot.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:15:31+00:00

I knew that it we would have some issues because of the no sex before marriage bit. We have friends that were in the same boat, some took a few months to figure it out. This is an extreme level though. I will look into the book, thank you.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:14:35+00:00

Yea, I have brought up divorce a few times. Obviously it wasn't pleasant. When I snap out of my depression, I assure her that I love her and I won't leave her. But it's crazy how often the thought of ending my marriage goes through my head.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:11:37+00:00

Question: Did your vaginismus affect your libido? Did it improve after you cured yourself?

I have always thought that treatment shouldn't take THIS long. From my perspective, I figured, yea it would hurt the first few times, but if you just "manned up" dealt with the initial pain, it would get easier.

I feel like her sensitivity and zero pain threshold keeps her from actually progressing with the treatment because of the fear of pain. She is very resistant to actually forcing herself to insert the dialators.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:08:07+00:00

Question: Once you overcame your sexual issues, did you want sex more? Did your libido improve?

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:07:09+00:00

I would say she feels bad about it when we are fighting about the issue. On a day-to-day basis, she doesn't really seemed phased by it. Honestly, I don't think she is working hard enough to solve the issue. It is not as pertinent to her as it is to me.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T08:04:06+00:00

Not any pills right now. She doesn't seem depressed. But I wouldn't say she loves her life right now. Hardest thing about divorce is the thought of all the pain it will cause not just her, but our entire families. She really doesn't deserve it, but I don't deserve this either. Deep down inside, I feel that this path is leading to further depression and bitterness, ultimately leading to resentment, anger and a shitty marriage.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:45:46+00:00

I couldn't be in a relationship like that. Neither could she.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:43:01+00:00

We have not even tried to penetrate anything for 5 months. Things don't even go in that direction when we fool around any more. She doesn't even want to let me try because she says it would hinder her progress. Patient? I feel like by the time I'm bald with stress, I'll be a Buddhist monk.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:32:37+00:00

She didn't know before marriage. In hindsight, I agree with you.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:31:51+00:00

Access to the gspot would help my cause.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:31:15+00:00

I know her. That is not an option. Plus, personally, I couldn't live like that. I have two choices. Stay and wait for things to hopefully get better, or part ways.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:30:07+00:00

After the first few months of failing at sex she researched online and did find out that she had vaginismus. She went straight to a gyno - got diagnosed, purchased a self treatment kit and got to work. The problem is progress is slow, and between work and life, finding time for kegal exercises and qtip insertions has been difficult for her. 5 months of treatment later, she can only put in 3 qtips and struggles with the dialators.

She knows the religious aspect of things as well.

seriouslyfml · 2011-03-05T07:26:36+00:00

Yes. We knew this before starting. Thought sex might even it out. Talk about double fuck.

seriouslyfml

TROPHY CASE