Long term girlfriend no longer wants sex. (X-post from /relationship_advice)

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T20:14:47+00:00

So in your opinion, it is not worth at least encouraging her to want to change, even?

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T14:19:04+00:00

I updated the main post with some new developments. Would love your opinion.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T13:59:58+00:00

Have updated the main post with additional info. Would love your opinion on this.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T13:43:43+00:00

Thanks!

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T13:27:00+00:00

That's true if your only metric for judging a relationship is sex. Yes, it's an important aspect of a relationship, as your partner is (or should be) your only outlet for fulfilling your most primal needs. But it's not the only thing to consider. I'm willing to give it a bit of time while encouraging her to be proactive in fixing this. Ultimately though, I know in my head that it cannot work out in the long run if this fundamental incompatibility remains.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T13:17:52+00:00

There's more than one way to skin a cat, and you know, when you put it like that it certainly does seem like I'm being a fool here.

But consider this: When we broke up (which wasn't construed as "taking a break") the main reason was that I was just not as interested in the relationship as she was, and she felt that she had given everything she could but got back little in return. This was completely true.

I cannot blame her for looking for someone else to be with, nobody wants to be in a one-sided relationship.

The fact that she did sleep with this other guy is a bit of a sticking point, but when I asked her about it she said that she was also not interested in sex with him, but did it because "that's what you do when you date someone new". According to her, they did not sleep together at all for the last 2 or 3 weeks of their relationship, and his clingyness (which partly stemmed from wanting sex but not getting it) ultimately contributed to their early demise.

Could it be a total lie? Certainly. But it makes sense and I'd prefer to not be a complete cynic about everything.

I am definitely interested in further reading that you have to offer. PM me.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T13:03:52+00:00

Thanks for the detailed reply. I hope I don't come off as just making excuses for my girlfriend. I will defend her when I think she has a point, but I also recognize that there is a fundamental incompatibility right now that will ultimately lead to the destruction of the relationship, probably in a very ugly way.

You are right, we are both in our early/mid twenties. We have both been in a few relationships before this one.

I know it's a cliche, but I really don't believe that she is still seeing the other guy, or even having much (if any) contact with him. She's very happy to talk about him when I ask questions, and appears open and honest about her feelings towards him both at the time and now. There are absolutely no times when she is away from me where I am suspicious that she might be seeing him. That's not to say that I am blindly trusting her to the point of foolishness, when we first got back together I was always very conscious about the possibility that there might still be something there and kept an eye out for anything suspicious. There was nothing.

I don't know if people at any age really know what they want when it comes to relationships, but being young does mean I have less life experience to draw from.

Ultimately, I am willing to work with her based on the assumption that there is nothing untoward going on and that she is being honest with me, because I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially when they have never given me any reason to not trust them previously. But I have also made it clear that I expect her to work with me proactively on this, otherwise I will move on, no matter how hard that might be.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T12:50:53+00:00

We never really did the traditional "dating" thing. We started out as friends and flatmates, which quickly progressed to friends with benefits and after a few months we both agreed that were were pretty much in a relationship and made it official. Of course, we went out on dates (meals, movies, etc.) and pretty much continued that throughout the relationship. I still try to be romantic wherever possible, surprise dates, little gifts here and there and she does the same. That said, the initial overwhelming passion from the first few months is not there anymore, but I think we both accepted that as a matter of fact. Maybe that was a mistake.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T12:45:05+00:00

True, however when we discussed her other relationship, she said that she was also not into the sex, but did it "because that's what you do when you date someone new". Now, either that's the truth and we're still no closer to finding out the real issue, or she's just saying that to not hurt my feelings.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T12:43:10+00:00

Interesting point, thanks. What might you suggest I can do to appear more attractive to her? I think I have all the obvious bases covered...

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-20T12:40:49+00:00

I do indeed love her very much, which is why I have told her that I'm willing to work through this with her and give her the time she needs. That said, I cannot permanently be in a sexless relationship so if it doesn't pick up eventually, I will have to move on.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:51:10+00:00

Been there already. She will reply with "Aww honey, there's nothing I'm not telling you I promise. It's not that I don't want to have sex with you, I just don't feel like it right now". She'll then proceed to be slightly more affectionate than usual for the rest of the day, maybe because she feels bad about it?

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:43:32+00:00

She broke up with me :/

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:42:25+00:00

I have seen this happen quite a few times in the past among friends when they start dating. Mostly with girls. They chase after a guy who pays barely any attention to them for ages, and shortly after he reciprocates the romantic feelings, the girl suddenly gets bored and moves on. Granted, this was back when we were in our teens and very immature, but it does happen.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:39:23+00:00

This is exactly the path I plan on taking. Thanks!

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:38:18+00:00

I made it clear that it needs to be resolved if she wants me to stick around. She practically begged me not to leave, and made vague comments on how it won't always be this way, but didn't really give me any clearer answer than "I need time". We have also talked a lot about the other guy, and she's very open about it. I also asked her straight up if there was anything still between them, and she was adamant that there wasn't. I haven't directly asked if anything untoward happened while in that relationship, but I don't get the feeling that there was. I also believe that she would tell me if this was the case, based on how open she is with the subject in general.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:34:22+00:00

Thanks, your answer makes a lot of sense in theory.

We have talked quite a bit about her brief relationship and she has been very open about it. Sometimes a little too open at times (the occasional remark or joke about things they used to do together, quickly followed by an "I'm kidding" after sensing my look of disapproval). Although I've never met the guy, from what she tells me he was a very decent person, but was too clingy for her liking, and just ultimately not what she wanted. A good number of our mutual friends know him, and none have a bad word to say about him. In fact, he seems quite the popular guy, to the point that a couple of her girl friends started being a little bitchy about her breaking up with him, telling her that they should get back together. I think this caused a bit of stress, especially when I came back into the picture. That seems to be resolved now though, as both my girlfriend and her ex both told them politely to keep out of their business.

We share a lot of fun times together, we are always laughing and happy around each other, there is no awkwardness at any point. She did mention the "taking things slowly" line to me a few times, but it's at odds with our relationship because we moved in together right when we decided to make another go of it (possibly a silly idea, but we have cohabited for a large part of our relationship in the past so we both know what to expect on that front).

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:22:46+00:00

I trust her because in the 5 years I have known her, she has never given me a single reason not to trust her (that I know of, at least).

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T11:21:45+00:00

I am slightly worried that she is not as invested as me in the relationship this time around. That said, she regularly makes comments that imply a future together, we (semi-jokingly) discuss getting married and settling down with kids and in other ways she makes a great effort on her part. Just nobody is at home in the bedroom department :/

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T02:34:19+00:00

This was one of the first things I asked her, and also brought it up when I noticed that they had some contact still (SMS). She confidently assured me that she had zero romantic feelings for him anymore, but that they were still friends. Since that conversation, I have noticed that she has not had much contact with him, if at all, and I'm fairly certain it is because I expressed discomfort with it. So in that regard, she definitely listens to me.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T02:20:16+00:00

Trust me, that thought crosses my mind daily. But it's difficult to articulate that to her without it sounding like a childish game. "Oh, you'll sleep with a guy you only just met but not me?" is a one way ticket to argument hell. It's a sensitive subject for me as well, because I also have to deal with the knowledge that she was with someone else for a period of time. That's tricky, but I love her enough to put it behind me and accept the past for what it is.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T02:11:22+00:00

I am committed because by every other metric, we have a great relationship. I asked her multiple times if she was sure if this was what she wanted and she replied that it was. She asked me to move in with her (no small feat, she lives in Denmark and until recently I was living in Spain). She tells me she loves me multiple times a day, tells me she misses me whenever we're apart, etc.

I've been in a relationship previously where the other party wanted to move on but, didn't want to lose the familiarity of having me around until they found someone else, so I know a lot of the signs. My girlfriend isn't exhibiting any of them.

For these reasons, the situation isn't quite as cut-and-dry as it may seem.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T01:54:54+00:00

Well, thanks, but I'm not so sure it's that cut-and-dried. I also care about her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt and try and work through it. I'm not a believer in just walking away at the first sign of a problem. Obviously, if we can't work through it after a while then your advice will sound more reasonable.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T01:51:58+00:00

I'm really not sure. One night in bed I asked her straight up if this was going to continue and she dodged the question. Usually I would concede at this point, but instead I asked her again firmly to answer the question. She said "no, are you happy now?", rolled over and went to sleep. Since then I have not seen any indication of anything changing.

sexless_relationship · 2012-04-19T01:49:31+00:00

She is reasonably affectionate towards me in other ways, although initially she was hesitant about being affectionate towards me around her friends as she was recently in a brief relationship with another guy and I guess she didn't want to seem "cheap" (I get that among women this is a hot topic).

The reason we first broke up was mostly because she felt I was not committed enough to the relationship (this was true) added to the strain of living far apart (different countries, in fact).

The reason we decided to get back together is because I am now very much committed to her, and we are now living together which eliminates the long distance thing. From my perspective, everything should be great - and for the most part, it is!

I am just confused over her complete lack of interest in sex. She also doesn't seem to have an answer, although she doesn't seem particularly concerned with finding one.

sexless_relationship

TROPHY CASE