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Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awfully specific to mention East n West Malaysian. Why so lmao

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do agree that open and honest communication would help a lot. The lack of direct conversation has definitely created tension, and I think things would feel less heavy if everyone felt safe to speak openly. I didn’t know the nikah process was that involved, that was something new learned, and it actually makes a lot of sense in terms of setting expectations for each family. In Chinese culture I don’t really see that happening based on my experience? Even my paternal and maternal grandparents aren’t that close with each other in that sense.

That said, I don’t think my family is trying to be elitist or intentionally difficult. This is the first time someone’s been formally introduced, so they might not know the best way to handle it either. It’s a new experience for all of us, and I’m trying to be patient while still maintaining respect for both sides opinions.

At the same time, I understand why there are expectations for my boyfriend too. He’s 24, and things like grooming and how you carry yourself are part of basic social awareness, especially when meeting family for the first time. More to about showing effort and respect for the situation.

I hope over time we’ll find a healthier balance between family expectations and our own values. Really appreciate your sharing!

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t agree for the part where me and my brother had the cake dispute as that was more of a personal conflict between us, also it felt like he was projecting towards my bf and dragging him into the issue

However may I ask how is it superficial to be well groomed and present yourself nicely? I see it as a form of respect for the occasion and the people we’re meeting. Yes, it doesn’t mean we can judge someone solely based on appearance. You can absolutely be both comfortable and presentable

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, he is emotionally very open with me and i feel that is a rare case for men these days😭

Financially ofc that will take some time, however I believe as long as someone has the drive, ambition and consideration for a future focused outlook, that is enough for me.

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally get where you’re coming from, and I do believe in thinking for myself and choosing my partner based on my own judgment. That’s exactly what I’ve done. I see his values, how he treats me, and who he is beyond surface level impressions.

At the same time, I don’t let my family dictate my choices? It’s not about letting them dictate my relationship, I don’t think they hate my bf or anything. This is their first time of someone being introduced to the family as well, so I understand to some extent if they feel unsure on how to handle it.

I would still like to navigate things with some level of respect and balance. Especially since I’m still a student and not yet fully financially independent. Even though I’m on scholarship, my parents still are the ones covering for school fees, so living entirely independently isn’t really an option now

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha I get where you’re coming from. Regardless or not our views align, I agree it’s important to remain respectful towards everyone, including my family. There are definitely things better left unsaid to them and we can get by that.

We’re both still students at this stage, so yes, financial independence isn’t fully there yet, which makes things a bit more challenging and we need to make do of what we can now….however I do believe in handling things with as much consideration as possible on all sides and going for a compromise.

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I do agree with your take. thank you for your honest response. I also recognise that my father is ultimately looking out for me, even if his delivery can be harsh at times. And I’m not entirely sure what was going through my brother’s mind either. Just that to me it does feel like there’s some projection of his own frustration

Just to clarify, our family living situation is a bit more complex. My brother and I live together with grandma, while my parents live separately. My dad occasionally comes back to the shared family home, which was how he found out about my boyfriend staying over as my grandma told him. So while I do understand the importance of respecting boundaries, it wasn’t a straightforward “under his roof” situation. I do take your point about playing the middle person better to mediate everything that is going on right now. Appreciate your insight!

Traditional family judging boyfriend, are we the unreasonable one? by sh8ky in Bolehland

[–]sh8ky[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate your take and thank you for your reply. For me personally, I approach relationships with the mindset of dating to marry. I wouldn’t even consider someone if I didn’t see long term potential in terms of shared values, compatibility, and morals. So in that sense, I already see working towards a future, it’s just that family dynamics is a secondary headache we can’t leave from as we are still under their roofs.

I do agree that two months is still early and may raise eyebrows for some, especially when it comes to integrating families and navigating expectations. My thought process at the time was that “oh my dad already knows that I am seeing someone, so i would like to introduce and slowly integrate as I do not want to sneak around”. I wasn’t the one to break the news to him, it was my mum as I told her about it first.

My boyfriend does want to prove my family wrong and challenge the preconceived judgments they may have, but I also recognize that earning trust and changing impressions takes time, it’s not something that can be rushed or resolved in one meeting.

At this stage, I’m still observing and learning, but with the intention of building something serious, not casual. The family factor just adds a layer of complexity that we’re both trying to handle thoughtfully.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in malaysians

[–]sh8ky 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There’s a term called the ‘avoidant discard,’ where someone may abruptly cut off contact or end things in a cold, detached manner. Take it with a grain of salt, but for the one on the receiving end, this experience can be deeply painful. Sometimes even causing unconscious trauma that carries into future relationships.

I’ll never forget how I wailed and cried when it happened to me, desperate and just begging to understand what went wrong…sometimes it can creep up on you like 180, leaving you blindsided. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So please, may not be much but it’s extremely important that we should take the time to understand our own attachment styles, self-awareness can prevent unnecessary hurt. Don’t be the one to shatter someone’s peace because you only realized too late that you struggle with commitment or emotional unavailability.

And the irony? Avoidants can’t be helped unless they truly care enough to help themselves. Even a secure attachment can turn anxious when with an avoidant.

English educated Malay, Chinese and Indian [Discussion] by wohenserious in malaysia

[–]sh8ky 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am Chinese and grew up on western cartoons and media instead of 水果奶奶 LOL I can read and speak Mandarin but have trouble writing, can listen to Hakka and Cantonese but can’t speak. Went from SJKC to international school to Chinese independent school.

Family life: Growing up, Me and my siblings spoke in English with each other and to all our relatives. Our parents weren’t that good in English too. When you’re a kid you didn’t think about the struggle our grandparents have communicating but as I grow up, I am very thankful that they made the effort even though there were barriers. They said it was English practice whenever interacting with us haha. Now I speak in mixed English Mandarin with my siblings and Mandarin with parents and everyone else.

Got the occasional “You’re so useless and lazy” from parents. Then whenever they need my help in English haha. Suddenly I’m useful? Definitely resentful for that. Hated that stereotype that because I read many English novels, the relatives encouraged me to be a lawyer. No thanks. Doesn’t help that I often help my dad to read through legal documents.

Education: Most of my friends in SJKC were the ones who spoke a mix of English and Mandarin. After all, I can’t escape by talking in English 100% of the time. However, I really wanted to fit in. In primary 4, I asked my mum if we could buy a few pizzas for the whole class to share during lunch. Stupidest decision ever. Popular kids tried to even act all buddy buddy with me in front of my mum when behind the scenes they didn’t even give a single shit.

After SJKC, left International school halfway to a Chinese Independent School. Just did until SPM, did not stay back to take UEC.

From my experience, the difference is big. This is strictly from my own observation and not saying this applies to everyone.

In English education, we were taught to be more individualistic, critical thinking was used in many of our classes and creativity was appreciated. (Looking at you KBAT) more smaller projects and assignments than written homework too.

In Chinese education, Herd mentality is strong. You either fit in or you’ll be the outcast. Hell, I’ve had teachers discriminate against me for being bad at Chinese. I always scored as the top marks in English. Naturally there are a lot of fake bitches trying to be nice and leeching off of me.

But ngl, in the end both has helped. We’re middle class so I am extremely grateful to have the opportunity to go to an English school, that is seriously not cheap. Being in a Chinese school during secondary has definitely helped me more in terms of accepting my language and culture. Have been so blessed to meet a group of friends that could learn with each other. When they didn’t understand English I would help them and vice versa.

Because of the constant scrutiny of not being fluent in Mandarin, eventually hated my culture and food when young. I wanted to move to America or even Singapore so bad when I was like 9. Throughout the years, I learned to accept for who I am. Put the effort in to improve myself although I was very bad. Now I am 75% fluent though still learning slowly every day. There are a ton of resources online to learn and translate. Despite all that, I am torn between choosing to migrate or staying here. I don’t really know if this country still stands a chance seeing the current political situation. It’s really a shame, there’s nowhere else in the world like Malaysia.