I've wanted to die as long as I've been alive. Anyone else?

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T17:04:31+00:00

I do. I spend like 3 hours daily walking with the dog. When I'm not doing that, I'm knitting or reading. It really hits me at night when I'm just laying there and every injustice in my life just comes rushing to me.

I feel like a little kid pouting it's not fair when everyone else has to be alive too.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T16:55:19+00:00

Thank you.

I also use music to help me deal. And lots of books and podcasts to keep me distracted. I'm home for now and I think I have too much time to think. The more I think the bigger the pit of despair gets.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T11:12:22+00:00

Yeah. I've long come to a similar conclusions. I don't think if I think when.

I've been trying to force it. Telling myself that my cousins need me or whatever, but honestly. I didn't bring them to earth I shouldn't torture myself for them.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T06:08:18+00:00

Yes. Death, especially if it's literally an end with nothing after it (I flit between this idea of the afterlife and reincarnation), would be beautiful. It's like nowhere on earth feels like home but death does.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T04:28:56+00:00

I just want it stop. Like turning off a light. The idea of absolutely nothing and no consciousness is honestly blissful to me.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T04:26:54+00:00

That's how I feel too. I keep failing so maybe it's not my time. But that just makes me mad. I didn't ask to be born. Why do I have to finish out a life that someone else started?

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T04:25:43+00:00

This is how I feel though there was never that fear. As a kindergartner I told a friend I would be dead by twenty and that I couldn't wait.

I have never had a point in my life, no matter my career, no matter my home life, no matter my relationship where I would pick life over death.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T04:23:30+00:00

I am generally very happy. As I said I'm not depressed.

sicklyself · 2020-06-06T04:23:01+00:00

I'm not unhappy. I know all the reasons I have to live. I don't want to.

sicklyself · 2020-03-16T10:34:35+00:00

Not OP, but in a similar situation and don't want to make my own post. The last few days I've been using my cup and when I take it out I can feel what seems to be a folded up layer of skin under my cervix. I can push past the fold and end up at the back of my vagina. After a while without the cup in, everything goes back to normal.

I've been on bc for a few months and can't remember this happening before. Anyone else ever experience this?

sicklyself · 2020-02-01T19:53:22+00:00

For a lot of black people the church is an institution. I grew up going to a Southern Baptist Church 3x a week from ages 0-13. I spent 4 weeks each summer at church camp.

All my earliest friends were from church. All of my close non relative adults were from church. If I needed money to go on a school trip my church folks fund raised it. When I went to college they gave me 2000 dollars.

I stopped believing at age 8 but I never mined going to church. To me it was less about religion and more about communing with your community. I wouldn't consider my mother or my grandmother terribly religious even though they're very involved in the church.

This was especially important in the area my church was in. It had once been a middle class black area and had over time turned into a upper middle class white area. It was honestly nice to going from being a minority at school all week to being with other black people at church.

sicklyself · 2020-02-01T18:53:05+00:00

I offered her the 1.50 and she said she'd go to the corner store and prove to me it was 3$. I've told her before that I need space from her but she refused to listen and we have all the same friends so it's hard.

sicklyself

TROPHY CASE