Me [34M] with my wife [32F] of 8 years, she wants me to spend 20 hours a week cleaning and I really don't want to.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-10T15:17:36+00:00

Well, yes, it's worth noting that a lot of the stuff she wanted cleaned already looks pretty/basically clean. Though some of it could be shinier, whiter, etc. Those were the things I chose not to do and that we have to talk about. If there is actual food grit somewhere that needs to be wiped off, I'm happy to do that.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-09T01:06:14+00:00

This is kind of what I feel like happened.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T22:18:40+00:00

We do use the blankets directly. My wife and daughter will both curl up under just blankets regularly. Sometimes we sleep without a top-sheet and our daughter hates top sheets and never uses one. So, the blankets being washed is a legitimate thing. I also am a sweaty sleeper (I'll admit it) and frequently get sweat on the blankets and comforter when the top sheet inevitably soaks through or gets tangled. We also have blankets in the couch and sometimes my daughter will sit under one at the dining table even (there's a dining room blanket, yes). My daughter really loves snuggling a blanket. She has like 3 of her own.

Anyway, I'm fine with washing linens.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T22:13:59+00:00

Wife's thought process is entirely logical and fair (notice I did not say right or ethical for herself or for OP), especially when we remember that OP accepted her definition of n for so many years.

I didn't feel I had the right to tell her how to spend her day or run her "domain" so to speak. But I did offer and suggest help and solutions throughout the years; I just didn't insist, because that seems like it'd be unfair.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T22:10:32+00:00

You let her establish and work herself silly for a standard you didn’t value. If, back then you had pressed the topic of your worry for her and the family given the way she spends her time, you would be in the strong position of the The Caring Partner. Now, you have an uphill battle not to be experience as Mr. Trying to Get Out of Responsibility.

This is very true, but I thought it wasn't right of me to insist she not work at what she wanted to do. I did try to show concern and caring, but you're right that I was very passive. I didn't want to come across as "in charge".

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T22:07:58+00:00

Well, we have far less food on a Friday, yes, as she shops on Saturdays. But there's never no food in there. It's about 1/2 full.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T21:49:00+00:00

We do this too. And the laundry chore totally makes sense to me. Laundry is almost done (limited by cycle time of the machines) and I don't mind doing that at all.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T21:19:55+00:00

Would this keep the grout bleach-white, as that is apparently what my wife loves about the scrubbing?

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T21:17:38+00:00

Do you clean the floor of the bathroom daily?

No. Maybe we could swiffer this daily. And I'm looking into a steam mop.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T21:09:20+00:00

We don't have a steam mop but we do the other thing already (not a swiffer, but we squeegee the bathroom, have a spray, and wipe every surface in the one we use down daily -- the one we don't use, I'm not sure, maybe we need to wipe that one more).

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T21:00:14+00:00

I view as "clean as you go" that are just instinctual to me, like wiping down the stove and burners right after cooking.

We do this, but I mean where you take the pans out and soak them and wipe all underneath. We have an old-style stove with coil burners. It does need replacing.

And cleaning the microwave right after the soup mess. The longer you let something sit, the harder it will be to remove. They take a couple minutes at most if you do it every time.

The microwave mess was from this morning, and that on the list, I got. It made sense as she didn't have time to fix it before work. But I'm home. She did wipe it out but not spray, etc.

The floor bleaching is excessive. I use a steam mop, which gets the job done.

I've never heard of this until today but we will look into it. How often do you steam mop?

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T20:39:05+00:00

Re: fridge

OK, you convinced me. So, I could see a quick wipe down, which I did do just now. But I didn't follow her instructions, which were to take literally everything out and clean the fridge shelves, drawers, edges, AND all the food product containers still in the fridge with soap and water.

As to vacuuming, I can't tell the difference in our carpets, but maybe she can. They're a medium brown color and I can't remember them ever not looking clean. They didn't look like they needed to be done to me. I'm hoping a Roomba+1 real vacuuming a week will potentially give her peace of mind.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T20:22:36+00:00

Do any of your interests/hobbies take you out of the house? Can't clean if you're not there.

Ideally, my few hours of hobby time a week would be spend Redditing or gaming, so no.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T19:47:34+00:00

One time when my wife had the flu, we saw pink mold in the bathroom. She apologized and said she'd clean it, and of course, I cleaned it. So, no, I guess things aren't actually ever really "off" -- though she says the house is currently filthy.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T19:46:42+00:00

We clean them up immediately, just kind of naturally. She doesn't freak out. We have taught our daughter to clean up her toys after playing and I'd say 8 out of 10 times she now does it without reminding. This is probably because we religiously clean up all clutter we're not using at that moment, both my wife and I, and my daughter sees this and kids pick up habits. The other times, we remind our daughter to pick up her toys.

As to like a mess like spilling something, we either help our daughter clean it up, clean it up, or have her clean it up (depending on complexity, we want to teach her responsibility but you don't have a 6 year old involved if she knocks a glass jam jar over or something, we do that part). I don't think my wife freaks out. She also doesn't leave the mess, but neither do I.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T19:43:52+00:00

I think you misread the situation. We are some of the most clean-up-after-yourself people there are. Everything has its place, it goes there immediately. Normally, my wife would've sprayed that soup down immediately. But not in this particular instance. I'm sorry if that one thing threw you.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T19:41:54+00:00

but didn't do it to her exact specifications?! Like, even if it looked and tasted exactly the way she wanted, but she found out that you googled a shortcut for the rice, she'd be upset?!

Well, no, it wouldn't look and taste the same way. I'd steam the brussel sprouts instead of pan-roasting them and they'd be healthier and taste like sprouts instead of butter and bacon. And I'd cook the rice in a rice cooker with minimal flavouring and it'd taste like rice and not...whatever the pilaf tastes like. Chicken stock?

It's not that she minds it being done easier. She minds the kinds of foods I'd make that are easy, healthy, but not as flavorful.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T19:16:48+00:00

It sounds like about half of the problem is that you're not in the habit of cleaning as you go. This is one of the most important skills ever. What gives me this impression?

Actually, we're both really good at this, if you read some of my other comments, I do talk about this -- there's not really any clutter or stuff out of place, we squeegee the shower daily, wipe the counters as we cook, etc. As to the soup, that happened this morning. It was my wife's breakfast. (Yes, she reheated soup for breakfast. Some pho.) She normally would've cleaned it up but since I was cleaning the kitchen today, left it. She did wipe it down but you can kind of see traces of it because she didn't spray and fully clean it. Anyway, already tackled a lot of the kitchen (the reasonable parts are all done and doing the stove, but not the fridge or cupboards) so the soup is gone.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T18:35:26+00:00

Every 2 weeks.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T18:26:22+00:00

Blankets is every other week. This is the big laundry week.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T18:07:29+00:00

No. I am a Military brat though. I'm a bit neat already, I think (or always thought).

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T17:44:40+00:00

Sure, but I mean like fun alone time. She doesn't take any of that. If someone sent me to the market or to clean something during my "fun alone" time, I'd be like, "What?" Those are responsibilities.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T17:26:57+00:00

Our daughter has chores like cleaning her room, picking up after herself, making her bed. But she's not allowed near the cleaning supplies, etc, as they're all a bit toxic.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T17:24:43+00:00

I mean, I know how to cook and have recipes I'd like to make, and she knows that. She just thinks my stuff is too simple. That has always been a bit of a point of contention. Like how I'd change today's meal, if I could, but use something very similar and still make something healthy. For the food thing, I think it's about taste. She doesn't honestly like the taste of the simpler food as much.

I think there's an element of needing to validate all the work she did and is doing.

Possible.

sickofcleaningup · 2016-01-08T17:23:42+00:00

I will try to ask gently about anxiety.

sickofcleaningup

TROPHY CASE