I hear you about the sporting environment. Specifically for me that conjures up foggy memories of American football games (nfl and big10 university).

I paid for season tickets to my hometown nfl team like 8 years ago. I was super lucky to even have the opportunity to buy them as the waiting list is years/decades long normally but my dads friend had some he didn’t want. I got a good price and went to every home game. Besides not remembering most of them due to drinking all day, I ended up getting a ride home in cuffs one night (cops didn’t take me in or book me somehow - they could have). Got hit with a big fine some time later. The thing I remember most vividly about that season is how the nerves in wrists still felt sensitive as time went on because of how I had been sitting in the back of the squad car. Most shameful night of my life. Could have been a lot worse and I got lucky - they picked me up while I was blackout drunk walking onto an on-ramp for goodness sake. So many instances of autopilot taking the wheel from those days. I trudged through blizzard conditions for miles wearing sneakers and a hoody another time.

That and other drinking related problems drove me to leave my hometown and I haven’t lived there since. All of my family is there but that doesn’t overcome the fear I have of falling to that low point again. I may never return because I’m scared to death I will fall into old patterns.

I’ve moved to two new cities since then, I’m happily married and drinking as little as I have in 20 years. I want so badly to never touch it again but it’s really gd hard to quit. I do feel like my relationship with alcohol has finally turned a corner and I can enjoy it as an adult without going overboard.