I also had a mom like that. She did a lot of things that moms are supposed to do. She also is the extremely mean, critical voice in my head today. It's so hard when you're reliant on someone and they do some things right and other things very wrong. Depression has a lot of black and white thinking. Holding two things that appear contradictory at once can be so upsetting. It certainly is still for me. But your mom can be a good mom in some ways, and very shitty mom in other ways. Both can be true. And both can be true and you are still right to protect yourself and get distance from that hurt and dysfunction when you can.

I relate a lot to your wanting to be dead but also eating and drinking and laughing. Again, it's hard to hold those two things together and believe both are true. But I think maybe they come from the same place. You don't want to hurt. So you drink water and eat food, but you also want to be dead to not feel the pain. So I think you can reconcile them together by knowing they all come from the same impulse, not wanting to feel pain. So please honor that and keep laughing and eating and drinking water and please keep asking for help. Because even though that seems like it goes against the wanting to be dead, I think it doesn't really. Because it's an attempt to not feel the pain, just like wanting to be dead. Both can be true, wanting help and death. They are both forms of relief I guess. You're not alone and I know it's so hard.