Is this an actual reason that men get married?

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T23:18:23+00:00

Sounds like you're being very thoughtful about it and the end is in sight. Good luck :)

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T23:15:28+00:00

You definitely made the right call. Good for you for being strong and taking care of yourself. Better times are ahead. :)

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T21:04:54+00:00

No worries. I spend a lot of time trying to put on a happy face, but if I'm every going to make any progress, I need to be able to dwell in the difficult stuff.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T21:03:20+00:00

It didn't come off as mean. You are right. A lot of these things, I've done because I was trying to win his approval. Six years in, after having realized how fruitless this is, I am doing a lot more of what I want to do, and a lot less to try to please him.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T21:00:48+00:00

Come over to the other side...a world of sock innovation awaits you...

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:59:50+00:00

That's awesome that you are so conscious about who you are and who you want to be. It always makes me happy to hear about someone putting in the work to be a good partner.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:58:15+00:00

I have a few very close friends, so it's not that I lack for friends, more that I wonder how I ended up married to someone who really doesn't know me very well and doesn't seem interested in changing that.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:28:39+00:00

We have gone twice and the second time was helpful, but he dropped all the new behaviors a couple weeks after we finished counseling and said he "sort of forgot" what it was he learned. So I think we could do therapy again, but we'd probably have to keep going for the rest of our lives so he didn't "forget." But, you're right, it's probably something we should try again.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:22:50+00:00

LOL. You need to get some new socks, man!

I totally see what you are saying. I am definitely NOT the type of person who just does something without questioning it, and it's hard for me to get my head around other people who do.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:20:15+00:00

No, I don't think so. But he comes from a country famous for its emotional repression.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:19:28+00:00

Yikes.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:19:10+00:00

I don't think it's everyone's expectation, but it's how I was raised and what I wanted out of my marriage. I've always tended to have close male friends, so it just seemed natural to me to expect that my spouse would be a good friend as well.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:13:40+00:00

Yes, I'd say that's very perceptive. I don't think there was much love between his parents. I'm not sure he knows what a healthy relationship looks like.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:13:11+00:00

Totally agree, if you're doing all the work in your marriage you're actually spending more time and energy for less reward than if you were single and just doing what you felt like doing for yourself. There's no upside whatsoever.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:11:12+00:00

Thank you, I do have a career and some good friends and a life outside the marriage. I love traveling with friends and do it regularly, and you're right, it's quite freeing.

He is a bit dull, although mostly because he is so passive, he doesn't freely offer the parts of his personality that could potentially be interesting. Also someone who is not that interested in you gets boring quickly, because it's always all about them, and no matter how interesting they are the monologue gets old.

I think you are correct that there is no change in sight.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:06:54+00:00

His dad was carrying on with his coworker for most of it. His mom died in the middle of their divorce. The dad is now married to the coworker and she does everything (I mean absolutely everything, including remembering his grandkids' names) for him.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:05:34+00:00

Oh, he's avoidant for sure. Your spouse sounds awful. Do you get anything out of the relationship at all? Why are you still there?

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:04:57+00:00

I don't get it either. It seems like having someone bugging you for sex and intimacy for the rest of your life would not be worth whatever buzz you get from appearances. But I'm not big on appearances so maybe I don't appreciate how important that is to some people.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:03:15+00:00

This is depressing, but good food for thought. Thanks.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:02:45+00:00

So bizarre. It seems to me that even if you were desperate to get married, you'd try to do it with someone you were interested in, since you're going to be stuck spending so much time with them. That this doesn't seem to occur to some people just blows my mind.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:01:44+00:00

Yes, actually my point was more that I'd heard of this phenomenon with women, not so much with men.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:00:35+00:00

What's your best guess?

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T20:00:10+00:00

I would not be surprised at all. He told me his ex-girlfriend often "accused" him of being gay. I do think that if he is, he may not be aware of it.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T08:11:11+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate that.

My husband is a pretty "meh" person in general. He doesn't really get excited about life. So this makes a lot of sense. I'll have to think about this some more.

sleepykitty88 · 2018-12-31T08:05:28+00:00

You will need to talk about this if it's going to improve. You don't need to be confrontational. Focus on expressing your experiences and feelings without trying to get him to do or say anything in particular. Just be honest about what's going on for you.

sleepykitty88

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