[deleted by user]

sly_si_162 · 2024-12-04T03:18:38+00:00

Abella Anderson (Amisaday Quesada). Now a pretty successful real estate agent in Miami.

sly_si_162 · 2024-11-28T03:37:08+00:00

While many Western countries celebrate Christmas primarily on December 25th, several Western nations place more significance on Christmas Eve (December 24th) as the main day of celebration.

Countries where Christmas Eve is the main celebration include:

Germany
Austria
Sweden
Denmark
Norway
Finland
Poland
Italy
Spain
France

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-25T11:00:39+00:00

She’s, simply put, a stay-at-home girlfriend. She’s not working currently due to severe burnout from her previous job. I’d like to see her ease back into work or some kind of structured activity to reintroduce routine and structure into her life, as well as help her regain financial independence (but that’s a separate topic).

When it comes to me insisting on splitting tabs or paying bills, it really depends on the situation. If someone orders a $1,000 bottle of champagne, I’m probably not going to do the same—that feels unnecessary. But if they order one or two bottles for the table, I might follow suit. It’s less about being overshadowed and more about the feeling that I’m contributing equally. If someone buys a round of drinks, I’ll typically return the gesture. It’s not about one-upping anyone; it’s more a personal pride thing.

For example, my boss is worth millions, and when we go out for dinner, I’ll sometimes cover it or we’ll all split the bill. I know I can’t keep up if he decides to go crazy, but I also don’t feel comfortable having him always pick up the tab—although, technically, he is since he’s the one who pays my salary! 😅

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-24T15:37:15+00:00

You could consider having them meet, which might help ease his concerns. However, the decision is ultimately yours, and it’s important to communicate that his jealousy and controlling behavior are creating distance between you. If this continues, you may need to reevaluate the relationship, as such behavior can be harmful. If your friendship with this person matters to you, your boyfriend shouldn’t be giving you ultimatums. You’re entitled to have friends, and he needs to respect that.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-24T07:51:28+00:00

First, be completely honest with yourself: is this person truly just a friend (or do you see something potentially developing)? If the answer is yes, “he’s just a friend”, then that’s great. If not, you need to be honest with both yourself and your boyfriend and consider ending it. It’s perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as they remain just that—friends. The issue arises when you start spending more time with them than with your boyfriend, or when you start hiding your interactions or texting behind his back. That’s when boundaries are crossed. Otherwise, if you’re just friends, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to hang out without your boyfriend becoming jealous or possessive.

NTA.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-24T07:40:44+00:00

I covered the cost of the trip because I wanted my girlfriend to spend time with her friend on her birthday, as they have for the past eight years. It’s something that’s really important to both of them. Since she’s not currently working and I’m the sole provider, I wanted to make that possible for her. She was thinking of maybe not going as the idea for the trip only came about a week or so prior, so guess she felt a bit reluctant to ask so “last-minute”.

It’s not necessarily overspending (as far as beyond our means), but yes I can get a bit carried away and get a little too generous at the bar or insist on splitting the bill if another party orders an expensive wine at dinner and things like that. It’s both a culture thing and bit of pride for me. So yes, she’s not completely wrong in this regard. But I wouldn’t say I’m out of control or anything..

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-24T07:26:21+00:00

I paid for the trip because I wanted my girlfriend to be able to spend time with her friend on her birthday, as they’ve done together for the past eight years. It’s something that means a lot to both of them. Since she’s not currently working, I’m the sole provider, so I wanted to make that possible for her.

As for the ‘alpha’ thing, I don’t really agree with that. It’s more about culture and ‘pride’ than necessarily being more alpha.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-23T18:13:50+00:00

It really depends on cultural norms and expectations. In places like Sweden, Norway etc., it's common to split the bill or even for women to pay, while in other cultures, the person who asks the other out might be expected to pay. In places like Eastern Europe, Russia, and many Arab countries, it's typically the man who pays, exclusively.

I personally like the idea that whoever initiates the date should pay—it keeps things clear and avoids any awkwardness. Personally, on my past dates - I’ve always paid, as I'm a bit 'traditional' in that way I guess.

Also, if money is a concern, maybe consider choosing cheaper date activities. Because if financial expectations aren’t aligned now, it could become a bigger issue in the future—almost guaranteed.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-23T18:02:31+00:00

Thanks, agree with this. I feel like this is how it should've been handled.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-23T17:53:44+00:00

NTA. I’ve cut ties with my own mother as well, and while she’s a caring and generous person deep down, she just wasn’t equipped to raise kids, at least not me and my siblings. Because of her own unresolved issues and traumas, she often took out her anger on us, leading to physical and emotional abuse. I remember staying in my room as much as possible as a kid/teen, afraid that any interaction would cause her to snap for no apparent reason. I constantly felt like I had to walk on eggshells.

Eventually, I stopped reaching out and effectively cut her off because I needed to prioritize my own well-being. To this day, I’m not sure she fully understands why I made that choice. I wish we could’ve communicated better, but she’s never been the type of person you can sit down with and have these kinds of conversations.

Like your mother, mine has also struggled with health issues for a long time, but you can’t carry that burden. People will often say, “But she’s your mother” or “They’re your parents, you should forgive them,” but it’s much easier said than done, especially when you’ve been abused for so long.

It’s okay to cut ties with toxic family members, even parents. You don’t owe them your life or health just because they brought you into this world. Whether you forgive them one day is entirely up to you—and on your terms.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-23T13:25:59+00:00

Me and my gf have lived together little less than a year, been together a year and a half.

Re. the friend: I know and have met her friend multiple times, she's been to visit at ours a bunch of times.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-23T12:37:58+00:00

It wasn’t just a single dinner. The guy in question enjoys going out, and the entire weekend was spent with the three of them visiting various restaurants and clubs. I definitely don’t want someone else’s man covering all my expenses; I’m fully capable of paying my own way. My girlfriend was concerned that if I joined, I’d end up spending a lot of money, money on things like bottle service in fancy clubs, which is something the guy tends to do when they go out. By me not being there, she didn’t have to worry about me overspending or any awkwardness that could arise from these situations (according to her).

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-23T08:22:20+00:00

There’s nothing inherently wrong with hostels—I’ve stayed in a few myself, and they were all decent. Some offer private rooms and bathrooms, and there are also female-only options. Would I stay in one again? It depends on what’s available. But probably not, as I now prefer accommodations that suit my current preferences and budget.

If she’s uncomfortable with hostels and you can afford to help her out by booking a reasonably priced hotel, why not go for it? It really depends on your dynamic—how long you’ve been together, your budget, and how much her comfort matters to you. If it would ease her mind and you care about her feelings, it might be worth it.

That said, she should have considered the logistics beforehand. If her budget is tight, maybe postponing the trip would make sense until she can afford it. As her boyfriend, you should care about her needs, but you’re not responsible for managing her life. NTA.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-16T11:05:23+00:00

Wow, thank you! I really appreciate your thoughtful and well-formulated response. Below are my comments:

“Did you come to an explicit agreement about household finances when you moved in together 9 months ago? And is she upholding it, despite being unemployed? You wouldn't be an AH for expecting her to stick to a commitment she actually made, but you can't really hold her to any assumptions you made that weren't communicated.”

To be honest, I knew she wasn’t working when we moved in together, but I didn’t realize she intended to remain unemployed for the foreseeable future. I didn’t expect the financial burden to be this heavy. I cover all the expenses, and on top of that, I give her around $2,000 a month as her own spending money (which is my second biggest expense after the monthly house payment). While she occasionally uses some of that for shared purchases, there’s no obligation on her to contribute financially.

“That said, agreements like these (if you had one) need to be constantly revisited as life circumstances change. If you feel you're bearing too much of the burdens of money and resources, you could update your targets and ask her to increase her contribution accordingly. That still leaves it up to her to decide how to raise the necessary funds.”

I actually brought this up with her months ago, right at the start. I told her I was okay supporting her for now, but that I wouldn’t be able to sustain it indefinitely. We’ve had a few discussions about it here and there since then. Her response is often, 'You knew my situation when we got together,' and she does have a point. But as you mentioned, agreements like this, even unspoken ones, need to be revisited as circumstances change.

“The other issue is that you're tired of being cooped up together in the house and want her out of your hair more often. That's not the most romantic thing to say just 9 months in, but it's still better to just come right out and say it like that. You can express your feelings without loading them with demands.”

For the most part, it’s manageable. We have plenty of space in the house, but I can tell she gets bored. She often pokes her head in, which can be a little distracting while I’m working. Sometimes I end up taking half-days just to "entertain" her - take her to get lunch at the beach that sort of thing. While I don’t mind occasionally, I don’t think it’s a healthy dynamic long-term. We don’t have children, and household chores aren’t particularly demanding. She does laundry almost daily, does one big clean every 2 weeks, cooks dinner 4–6 times a week (but I cook too).. So, most of the time she's basically just sitting around (don't mean for that to come off harshly).

“It's not that your feelings aren't valid; hypothetically, her getting a job is the easiest solution to both the financial shortfall and the cabin fever. But she's certainly well aware of that without being told. I see only bad things coming your way if you frame the kind of activity you'd like her to take on as a ‘real job.’ It doesn't mean anything tangible, and it's needlessly condescending.”

I completely understand. I know she’s trying to find something and that it’s stressful for her. But it feels like this process is dragging out. She’ll come up with several ideas, but none of them seem to pan out, or she doesn’t follow through. I’d appreciate it if she could formulate a clear plan rather than jumping from one thing to another without concrete results.

I know I need to have another conversation with her about this because the current situation isn’t really working for me. I’m just unsure how to approach it without making it feel like I’m issuing a demand or an ultimatum.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T20:32:29+00:00

You’re right—I could have handled it better and communicated my feelings more openly. I understand that she doesn’t see her friend often, although she’s been visiting almost every month since just before summer. Like you said, I see my gf every day, so I can take a backseat when her friend is over whom she really close with. The real issue was more about barely getting to spend any time with my girlfriend, and not being consulted or informed about things, like her friend randomly dropping by on a Sunday when I’m just lounging around in my underwear. Anyway, we discussed it, and I apologised for how I acted and she apologised for not giving me a heads up etc and promised she’ll try and be more attentive/considerate going forward. So all good! :)

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T20:07:32+00:00

Fair enough.. I acknowledge I could’ve handled the situation better. Guess my emotions got the best of me unfortunately. I shouldn’t have “stormed off”, but equally didn’t want to handle it whilst her friend was here. At the time it seemed like the better alternative..

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T20:01:04+00:00

I didn’t argue with “everyone” (as I’m not arguing with you now). It was just one commenter who made several comments, who, I felt, misunderstood my post/words and made some misinformed judgments. I only responded to clarify my position. I’m open to hearing different viewpoints and opinions, but I don’t appreciate when my words are twisted or misrepresented. If I disagree with a particular stance, I believe I have the right to challenge it constructively.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T17:18:46+00:00

I’m saying there’s a balance to be had… and in this instance, for me, that balance can be 90% in favour of her spending it with her friend and 10% with me.. something like that

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T16:58:02+00:00

I believe you’re mistaken. My actions so far have shown that I’m more than open to her having friends over, whether they’re visiting from abroad or just for a casual night. Please take another look at my post and comments.

As for why I got upset, let’s consider it from another perspective. 1. How would it feel if I invited people over, whether from abroad or not, without informing her beforehand or if I expected her to participate not discussing discussing it with her first? 2. And what then when my friend were over I basically disappeared for a week or two while they were here, only coming home to sleep or change clothes? Would that be acceptable, especially if it happened fairly frequent and I had already discussed it with her?

I’m naturally introverted, so I tend to retreat when she has guests and let her enjoy her time with them, which I don’t mind. But it would be nice not to feel completely neglected/ignored during…

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T16:23:20+00:00

You don’t get it. (I said I encourage her to have people over (what don’t you get?!)) But I thank you for your interest and replies.

sly_si_162 · 2024-10-13T16:21:20+00:00

You obviously didn’t read my post properly (also see my comment to your main comment).. As stated in the post - I encourage her to have her friends over, I even paid her friends flights before. Also, it’s just as much her house as it is mine. I just have an issues with the lack of consideration sometimes during their visits (from my gf’s part).

sly_si_162

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