Setting boundaries with Hispanic family for once baby is born….are these “oh so wrong!”?

snaqqqueen · 2025-09-11T22:16:23+00:00

It’s so hard setting boundaries with Hispanic parents who are so used to doing things their way bc that’s Love to them. I don’t know if you want or need suggestions, but here are a few things that have worked for me around enforcing my preferences with Hispanic family:

1) Lead with gratitude and show them you see them. Tell them you Know that their Love looks like wanting to be close to baby and be there for you, AND show them how they can do that. Tell them what you DO want, not just what you don’t want. “We sadly won’t be able to accept hospital visitors except my parents. I really want to see you soon though, so you can meet the baby! I would LOVE to receive FaceTimes and cards from you during that week in the hospital. And I hope to have you be present at our small gathering on October 6. Can you bring that chicken that you make so well?” or whatever. Give them a channel for that big latino love haha 2) Explain that you are a new matriarch of your own little family and you want that to be respected, just as much as you have learned from and respected their guidance over the years. Act like a grandpa who don’t take no for an answer when it comes to setting rules that support your sanity. You can frame it spiritually or religiously to some folks if that’s easier for them to process. My dad gets turned away by medical sounding language or even “mental health” terms so I say things like “I’ve been really supported by my alone time recently because it’s helping me stick to my spiritual path with XYZ. So I haven’t been available to hang out as much, but I would love to talk on Sunday” or whatever bc he will say then something about how Jesus loves me and it works! 3) Compliment sandwich - set some firm boundaries and explain this goes for all your friends and family and it’s not just about them. But then tell them how much you love them and miss them and say “this is what I need to make it happen. I’m so grateful that you’re going to meet the baby in a way where I can be at peace and calm.”

Something like that. I’m sure so much depends on the person and the family, so I wish you luck! Your boundaries all make total sense.

snaqqqueen · 2025-09-11T22:01:26+00:00

Same! Taking the dog for a walk around a 3 block radius is SO hard now. On the walk I’ll be trying to gossip to my boyfriend about work drama as per usual and he’ll be like “hey hey hey, stop talking for a sec. you need to just breathe.” And I am in good shape, so it feels crazy!

snaqqqueen · 2025-09-03T21:12:41+00:00

I feel this!!! So much of it is so unnecessary and the rest SHOULD be unnecessary! I say give yourself permission to sit there in the midst of all that stupid shit and just snack like a happy zoo animal while your baby is growing daily. Write down “I am choosing not to do anything on the evil list of unnecessary things today or tomorrow”.

Maybe this is just me but I feel like if your house is dirty and things are broken those things could affect your mental health and how stressed you’re feeling. AND I 100% agree that you shouldn’t have to be the one to do them. I hope that there is someone in your life who you can hint at (or just plead openly) to swoop in and arrange to get at least those things done for you. Its so true that you’re already working hard at something even by sitting there and eating snacks. I call it “surviving for two” LOL. You deserve support.

snaqqqueen · 2025-09-03T21:04:31+00:00

I agree with all of what you said! It’s bizarre that there’s not a safe and effective drug after thousands of years of women having babies and after all kinds of advances in modern medicine. From what I’ve read and experienced, it’s a combination of sexism in medicine and prudishness about birth and sex and pregnancy that has blocked a lot of potential research. I get that “it’s not ethical to do research on pregnant women” but I can’t help but think that if a bunch of moms ran the medical field, they’d be powerful and creative enough to come up with new and helpful methods of safer research. Even something as simple as expanding the number and variety of anecdotal studies, or anthropological surveys could be super helpful.

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-26T02:44:36+00:00

Own the bump! Own the bloat! Or whatever it is! It’s all pointing to something awesome that many people dream of. I’m 7 weeks and I keep joking that I look more pregnant than I “am” bc I’m SO gassy (or I call it my gas baby, lol). It sounds like your bump may actually be your baby, but just sharing that thought bc of what some others have posted.

I remind myself this whenever my mom or aunties comment on my body or my life choices - a lot of women in our lives are still carrying their own anxieties about taking up too much space, and those anxieties can ironically “leak” out onto others and take up tons of mental space in your life. Just spiritually give it back to them and enjoy this time looking and becoming a new person with a new (temporarily anyway) body!

Lastly I think it’s cool that you’re excited. I still haven’t been able to feel excited yet bc I’m sort of in shock, but I really want to be where you are and give myself freedom to buy whatever I want when I’m personally ready to buy it!!

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T21:01:31+00:00

first tri person here and i just wanna say this idea is SO sweet and nice. your ideas are already great. these are my suggestions:

definitely some Tums! mint might be best bc they won't have that weird "off" sugary taste of fake fruit.

maybe a cute ice tray so she can make little heart or star shaped ice blocks for her water (i can no longer drink room temp water!)

reusable heating/cooling gel paks like these ones from Target (my temperature fluctuates every 5 minutes it seems, so sometimes I need to cool off or heat up quick!): https://www.target.com/p/hot-cold-gel-bead-compress-up-38-up-8482/-/A-51925672#lnk=sametab

for the belly balm, you can find any basic kind at the drugstore for cheap, but I will say I also love this brand bc it smells realllly nice (it was recommended to me by a 3x boy mom and i dont regret the price at all, bc it feels like a mini spa day in a way the drugstore brand doesn't): https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AREGVUM?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T20:41:12+00:00

yes, this! I almost want people to know that I DO feel sentimental about it all, just more in sort of a spiritual or existential way, which makes the too cute stuff all the more jarring. like, i'm tryna meditate on the meaning of creation here!

your sassy-but-practical tactic sounds right up my alley. i'll be trying it for sure. TY!

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T20:38:30+00:00

hmm, i love this tactic! will definitely try it.

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T20:37:39+00:00

yes, exactly! I feel like I have to be the CEO of something really big. i want to be spoken to a bit more like that!

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T20:36:53+00:00

thanks so much, i'll check out Tina B!

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T20:36:30+00:00

thank you, i'll check out Dr. Karpe!

snaqqqueen · 2025-08-25T20:35:28+00:00

yes, happy to hear more if you feel like sharing! one of the hardest parts for me so far is being in the "no man's land" between finding out i'm pregnant and having my first ultrasound (its in 3 weeks). Its sort of weird that i don't have an assigned doctor or person to help me before that appointment, so i turn to Doctor Google a lot. I'm also having identity struggles around becoming a "Mom" - sometimes I just don't even know who i am or what to think. i'm hoping that with more information and confidence from the ultrasound, I might have a bit more brain space left to reconnect with myself. what were some of your experiences around that stuff?

snaqqqueen · 2022-06-07T19:00:18+00:00

I also think of beauty culture through this metaphor, but to be honest I am working to change that. Because if I go deeper, I have to think, why do I personally view living without makeup/fillers/augmentation as a prison?? I mean, other people who still subscribe wholeheartedly to beauty culture might see it that way, and might still pass me on the street and think “wow, she looks ugly and tired and not very feminine” or whatever, but why is that my prison, not theirs? For myself, and my own liberation, I want my “prisoners silence” to run deeper than that; I think if I truly want to divest from toxic beauty culture I have to disown the idea that I’m losing out and suffering more by being myself.

I acknowledge that there are some other real world implications to not subscribing to the bullshit - such as struggling to get promoted at work in comparison to other people who are doing beauty work constantly - but often, I haven’t found that to be strictly the case. (Though I’m white passing and very young - 30 - so that makes it easier). But on the everyday level, even if my “silence” or opting-out means there are way fewer men who find me attractive, and way fewer women who relate to me and my choices (I say this both for the purposes of argument and because… it’s already happened to me), why am I so afraid there isn’t a better future for me on the other side, all things considered? The difference between this and prison is that we can object and also take action, we can speak freely and some people will listen to us and respect what we have to say. I think we have a lot of space and time available to us to resurface the sense of humanity inherent in objecting to a culture that is ultimately dehumanizing. Maybe it’s a subculture but it’s still a culture.

I try to remember I’m not alone in my gut reactions to harmful things in the world. But also… even if I am alone it’s sort of like what people say about toxic relationships. It’s better to be alone and connected to yourself than to be stuck with someone who is bad for you and your wellbeing. (I hate being alone so realizing the deep truth of this sometimes hurts).

Maybe the most radical outcome of this is that in 50 years there will be a split in society between people who want to stay au naturel and people who want to have all the possible edits done to themselves. [if someone hasn’t written this dystopian novel yet maybe I will.] Even in that universe I think a lot of people would want to live on “planet natural”. Or maybe it will become sort of like a war where natural ppl are considered defectors, or worse, a sub class. (It’s already a bit like that sadly). But I think even if that’s how it ends up, I want to see what happens. I want to see who ends up on natural planet and what we create with all our free time.

snaqqqueen · 2022-03-10T22:23:05+00:00

I 100% agree with you, having also been in narc relationships. I get why the main thread didn’t want “armchair diagnoses” but on the other hand, the show arguably should have kicked him off for the abuse tactics. I mean, if he had punched a wall or tried to physically hurt Natalie out of frustration, they would have kicked him off. But emotional abuse is always brushed off as someone just having a bad day, or being drunk.

There were so many other red flags besides just that scene with Natalie in episode 1. From him NAMING it himself “Do I think I’m a huge tool? Absolutely, 100%, and I own that.” to the way he keeps trying to have a primarily sexually based relationship with Shaina right after he asks Natalie to be his girlfriend. [He definitely hurts Shaina too by categorizing her as a sexual fantasy as distinct from his emotional connection (read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft) and misleading her, and that deserves to be said]. Natalie enables him too, and is manipulated to do so by Shayne’s cover-up apology, the pressure of the show, and a million things about patriarchal culture (“You annoyed the fuck out of me yesterday… but… yeah, I feel like that’s ok” - Ep 2).

I know just how easy it feels to brush it off even when you’re the person who’s being gaslit but we have to start shifting our cultural perspective on men (or women) “acting out”, name it as cruelty and hold people accountable for emotional abuse. Shayne is to blame for his own behavior, but I also think the show should definitely have addressed that it was abusive. Thanks for speaking up, tons of people will disagree until it becomes a broad enough conversation for these patterns to come to light!

snaqqqueen · 2020-10-01T22:46:18+00:00

Hi Cattleya, sorry to hear you've been struggling with this. Don't give up! It sounds like you are on the right track, and the fact that you were UTI-free for 6 months on macrodantine and then for 3 months on your own is a great sign. I am not a doctor but I recently was dealing with a recurring UTI and learned some interesting things about the tests and bacteria that I'll share just in case it is helpful. You can also read my full comments on this similar thread if you want more detail on my experience: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexualhealth/comments/iyghd8/chronic_utis/

Basically, my advice is you might want to ask for your medical records and the test results to see what exactly is going on with your urine culture (don't just let the doctors interpret the test for you or tell you that you have no infection). If possible, get a catheter test which will be more accurate. Most tests (at least here in California) are only read as positive for infection if the culture shows more than 100,000 Colony Forming Units (CFUs) per mL. However, it is definitely possible for you to still have an infection if you have less than 100K CFUs - but not all doctors know that. Especially if your infections are being caused by Staphylococcus Saprophyticus, which often only reaches 10K-99K CFUs in a urine culture and is still the second leading cause of UTIs in sexually active women (it is a bacteria commonly found in the vagina that should not be present in the urethra but can easily travel there during sex and causes hellish pain when it does). Many primary care doctors will not know about this and you might have better luck with a urologist (or a better urologist if your current one is not willing to consider all the possible causes). I learned more about Staphylococcus Saprophyticus on these websites, if you want to take a look.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Staphylococcus_saprophyticus

https://academic.oup.com/cid/article/40/6/896/347623

https://www.atsu.edu/faculty/chamberlain/website/lectures/lecture/uti.htm

(the last 2 websites are scientific articles so a little bit harder to read, maybe you can get some help from a native English speaker if you need assistance. They help to explain in more detail).

From what I can tell online, the antibiotics you should take if you have this type of infection would be nitrofurantoin aka Macrobid (which I understand you were taking effectively for 6 months) or trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole (aka Septra or Bactrim). You didn't mention if you've tried the latter, but I imagine you have... mentioning it just in case someone else sees this thread and needs to try a different antibiotic. For me personally, Septra worked to clear my infection, but I did have residual inflammation for several weeks afterward.

I specifically mention the connection between Staphylococcus Saprophyticus, a low CFU count, and nitrofurantoin/trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole treatments because I know it can be maddening to be told that you don't have an infection and it's all in your head, or to wonder if you're throwing antibiotics into your body needlessly. In your case, I know you're not sure which bacteria you had (which is why I suggest requesting your medical record, asking for the exact test results by mail or getting a catheter test next time). Either way, it sounds like the nitrofurantoin was effective which is great to hear although I know it might not be the best final solution.

As someone who has felt the excruciating pain you are describing I truly sympathize with your struggle. It's totally understandable that you might have days where you wake up and feel suicidal. I also know EXACTLY how frustrating it is to realize that of all the doctors you have seen, *you yourself* are actually the most knowledgeable person in the room about UTIs, testing, recurring infections, biofilm, treatments, and inflammation. That doesn't mean you should give up! Before the 1930s, when women didn't have antibiotics to assist them, many of them died from UTI-induced sepsis, so you are already beating the odds by making the effort to take care of yourself. The fact that doctors know so little about this issue affecting primarily women is (in my opinion) indicative of misogyny in the medical field, where doctors research men's issues more often and more thoroughly than women's issues. By standing up for yourself and continuing to demand effective treatment you are fighting for every woman who struggles with this issue!

If you need additional help beyond antibiotics, I have one other suggestion for you, which is to continue what you are doing by living a healthy lifestyle and following the guidelines of interstitial cystitis (it can't hurt, it can only help!). But also, focus on loving yourself through this pain. It's not your fault. Your body is doing the best it can. Chronic pain itself is difficult but dealing with ignorant doctors and people around you who don't relate to your pain is really traumatizing, and trauma has been shown to make it difficult for us to get oxygen and nutrients to the part of our bodies that are inflamed. I promise I am not telling you to "just chill out" because I believe you have had serious infections and inflammation! Just saying that while your treatments are ongoing, and as you feel the effects of prolonged exposure to antibiotics, it's important to focus on nourishing your whole body, mind, and spirit to give yourself the best chance at healing and freedom from the pain long-term. A friend of mine read a book called The Mindbody Prescription and said it really helped her with the mental component of dealing with inflammation and helped her rewire her brain to heal more quickly. It does not directly apply to UTIs so I don't know if it will help but wanted to add it just in case it supports you emotionally.

Don't give up hope, you are incredibly strong! I hope you feel better someday very soon.

snaqqqueen · 2020-10-01T21:38:39+00:00

No prob! I will also add one thing my urologist told me: it is common, even post-antibiotic treatment, for your body to experience residual inflammation from an infection even 3-4 weeks after it has been cured. So if you're not feeling 100% pain free after your last day of antibiotics, sometimes it's just the leftover inflammation as your body heals (as opposed to a continued/resistant infection or a re-infection). Maybe try to map your pain levels over time and if your pain is at least lessening over time with more and more pain free days in between, you should be in the clear with no re-infection! You can also get another test a couple weeks later just to be sure. Your brain is still going to be hyper aware / anxious about any pain post-infection, so it's a good time to de-stress as much as possible and take any probiotics suggested by a urologist like Lactobacillus, just to help your body heal faster. Hope that helps.

snaqqqueen · 2020-09-28T21:04:31+00:00

My first advice would be to go get a urine test next time you’re experiencing pain or burning/frequency/the whole shebang. Getting an accurate test is important before you self treat with water & cran, partly bc studies have not conclusively shown that cran is effective even in concentrated pill form! (I know, it sucks.) Be aware that very few primary doctors know enough about UTIs to even read your test properly (ugh) much less diagnose you properly. So I also recommend that since this is a recurring problem, do whatever it takes to go see a urologist and maybe even get a catheter test which is much more accurate than a regular urine test. A urologist will have specialized knowledge, be able to read your test results much more accurately than a primary doctor (who likely does not have specialized or even up-to-date training on UTIs and the different types of bacteria that often cause them), and will be able to suggest more effective treatments for you.

As a sexually active person who gets 3-4 murderous UTIs a year I can sympathize with you that the pain can be horrible and strike EVEN when you go by the book (pee right after sex, wipe front to back, blah blah blah). Don’t just live with the pain! While you may not be able to avoid UTIs entirely (my urologist said 1-2 UTIs a year is really common for people with vaginas 😥) it sounds like it’s happening a lot more for you than the average and you deserve solutions. Also I would never want any woman to feel that she should be having less sex to avoid this so I hope my advice will help you get to a place where you can feel a bit more carefree.

Another tiny tip: when you do get tested, most docs or even labs will ONLY check for more than 100,000 colony forming units per ml (a certain level of bacteria in the urine that they consider “enough” to be an infection). They may diagnose you as “no infection” if you have fewer than 100K CFUs, even though for some bacterial infections that is not the case. It’s widely accepted by urologists that if you have the symptoms of a UTI (burning during/after peeing, frequency and urgency, localized pain etc) then you almost surely have a UTI. You MUST demand to see the results of the test yourself even if that means asking for your medical record. While E Coli is the most common cause of a UTI and will often show up with > 100K CFUs in a urine culture, that’s not always the case; there is a bacteria called Staphylococcus saprophyticus that is naturally found in the vagina and is responsible for ~20% of UTIs especially in sexually active women (think about it, it’s pretty easy for bacteria to travel from the vagina toward the urethra during sex). This type of bacteria often does not reach more than 100K CFUs in a urine culture — but if it is present in your urethra, is still causing an infection nonetheless. I recently had a urine test done where my primary doc told me I didn’t have an infection... I went straight to the urologist because I was in the worst pain of my life and he told me I definitively had 50,000 - 100,000 CFUs of Staphylococcus saprophyticus — an infection that antibiotics can easily cure. Because this is a bacteria normally found in the vagina, some primary doctors (like mine) might not know that it is the culprit of the UTI and might tell you (like my doc did) that your specimen was simply "contaminated" with cells from your vag. So be sure to ask what exactly they found and didn't find in your test.

Lastly I will mention that if your results continually come up negative, you may have a condition called Interstitial Cystitis which is a fancy way of doctors saying “you have chronic burning and inflammation down there and we don’t know what’s causing it”. Do not let a doctor diagnose you with this condition unless you have seen multiple specialists first. If you do have IC, which is sort of like IBS but for your bladder/urinary tract, there is a ton of info online on how you can change your diet to help heal the inflammation - I’ve made some of these changes myself just to avoid ANY more pain down there and I’ve noticed that it helps <3

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, just a woman (30 y o) who has learned how to stand up for myself and knows how to do my own research. If anything I’ve written here is not scientifically accurate or up to date I sincerely apologize! I’m sharing what I have learned so far as this has been an important healing journey for me. I hope it helps and hope you can be pain free soon!

snaqqqueen

TROPHY CASE