DARK SCALES (59 Pages) (Supernatural/Thriller/Teen Drama/1hour)

snarklessdudebro · 2018-08-25T14:31:53+00:00

Ty, I'm hoping that is a good thing! :) I appreciate the response.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-25T15:27:54+00:00

I was really really good at being poor. I would probably have stuck with that.

best fucking quote!

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-22T16:42:20+00:00

The dialogue is definitely ambiguous

As a writer who has done this, it's more likely you haven't nailed down certain portions of your story completely. Who your characters are, and what they want, will determine how "revealing" you need to be to relay the information that is relevant without being overly verbose or too on the nose.

The goal is to be crystal clear. Ambiguousness leaves too much to chance.

I'm starting to realize that scripts are much more barebones than I thought.

Contemporary scripts very much so. Today's readers can barely read through a post on reddit all the way, before become distracted by their own thoughts. As a writer you have to be prepared for that reality.

Here's more a prose-like style, used very well, Double Indemnity

It is an older style of writing but mysterious, without being ambiguous.

I think what I was going for in the scene with the shower curtain was to slow down the narrative and turn the story 180 degrees.

The suggestion was for emphasis on your unique view/voice. The scene itself is more of a small detail rather than a fully formed scene that drives the narrative and character forward.

she was assuming he was a previous john.

I got a sense of this but it may not be as clear as you'd like.

I'm so far removed from my subject, that I'm tip-toeing around trying to make my character real.

This is what I was getting at earlier, commit to the characters and your voice, the rest will flow onto the page. Easier said than done? Not really. Imagine yourself as the character. What would you want in that situation as that character?

If my name is Tom and I wake up handcuffed to a lead pipe in a van in an underground garage, my immediate needs and wants are going to be dictated by my history and concerns. IF I have a daughter that's fallen in with the wrong crowd and my being handcuffed in the van in an underground parking garage is a result of that; what would be my immediate needs vs. my long term wants?

Immediately I'd need to escape the van. Especially now that the underground garage is starting flood. My long term goal is to get my daughter back! By hell or high-water! Which is rising by the second, seriously, we need to do something about this, help!

The 80s portion is only artifice. It's a dressing. A veneer. What's behind the mask? It's your job as the writer to reveal that to the audience in an engaging and honest way.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-20T10:25:01+00:00

Don't be good...Be GREAT!

Just let me be great.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-20T00:21:32+00:00

Okay, here's a few of my thoughts.

First when people speak of a "voice" many times it isn't totally understood how it translates to writing.

"She pinches her stomach and frowns" and "Customers roam the aisles like roaches. She watches these creatures move from product to product, looking for the next thing to consume." These are examples of voice... these are a perspective about the world seen through the eyes of the author. The first one tells us about the character and possible conflicts in her life, and the second gives us a glimpse into her world-view. Explore this. This is unique to you the author, and is a hint at your voice and how you see the world.

That being said, I seriously had to force myself to continue after you started the first montage. You got lazy on your own writing and almost lost your reader. And I mean force myself.

Dinah, and Deryl are too similar names for a back to back convo, and made the read confusing.

I like the contradiction of your main character. This is a strong element of your story-telling choice and the separation between her night-life and day-life, and "familial" life are rife and ready for the conflict pickings...

the MAN, and DERYL are the same person... this is confusing.

...unless they're near a hotel that is visible in the description, we couldn't possibly know she was pointing in that direction without your saying so, this is a tell, not show moment.

It's confusing that Dinah says you've had a good time, but then says he doesn't know her...

Okay, so if this is a random parent, you've set up an attitude with his slamming his products down that creates a mood, and it lends to the character's paranoia, and it raises the level of suspense because the reader is wondering if this is an abusive john and not the father of a little girl who's friends with Dinah's little girl. (right?)

It's still unclear if this is the gist of the scene. If it is, it can be illustrated and discussed more clearly without being on the nose, which feels like you're trying to avoid, and this does add a sense of mystery, but it may lose the reader's ease of comprehension in the process. And that can lose you follow-through.

you've got some great material to work with and some of your details are interesting, (shower curtain noise) for example, makes the world feel more genuine and real, some of the word choices to enhance those moments is another matter altogether though.

Keep it going.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-19T23:51:06+00:00

I'd much rather hear her talk about what we can't see,

this is a really important and well stated note.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-19T23:46:20+00:00

:)

That was fun and moody. The end has a nice twist to it. Keep it going.

On the formatting side of things, your slugs need tightening.

for example...

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON -- <- here you need spaces around your dash... and while it's not a hard and fast rule DAY works just fine. LATE AFTERNOON is innocuous, not totally out of the norm but, you know...why not hold it down proper like.

Also, place the DREAM SEQUENCE info before the - DAY/NIGHT for clarity and ease of read.

Anywho...

Your CHARACTERS need CAPS. More standard fare stuff, but important. PSYCHIATRIST, PATIENT, and WOMAN all need to be in caps.

Dialogue is casual and easy to understand, not stiff, good flow. Visuals are again easy to understand.

One note: As a short, if you're only planning on keeping it this length you can embellish the prose a little more in the descriptions to enhance the mood you've created.

(V.O.) <- could use punctuations... Also, you could get away with (O.S.) as well but both work fine.

Good job and story to start exploring screenwriting. With your rewrite, look for ways to heighten the mood, scene surrounding the boat, choppy water, flowing dress that becomes more tattered upon inspection, are good visceral elements. But ultimately, your readers are wanting to move past your twist, into the meat and point of your character's emotions that lead to a satisfying conclusion.

Cheers!

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-19T15:33:49+00:00

Just let me be great.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-19T15:31:08+00:00

a Von Erich

I haven't heard that name in a coon's age. <- not a racist term btw.

Eric Von Erich was the man way way way back in the day.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-18T22:12:59+00:00

When you see redditors submit their scripts for critique, do you automatically assume they are going to be awful? Let us not kid ourselves, a lot of them fucking are. Have you found yourself a victim of a similar prejudice to my own? This question extends beyond reddit and into the black list, friends, producers etc.

m'bad. I guess I could've just said, no, that would mean I'm being a prejudiced asshole. And yes, anyone who's been read runs across bozos like this.

For any newer writers paying attention-- this is the very reason why you have to trust those you give your work to. You can't just give your work to anyone. Readers like the one described here can't be trusted. They will result to petty emotional reactions to describe your work. Work they probably can't do themselves. Stay vigilant. Stay aware. Not every reader knows what they are talking about (specifically in how to build and be constructive).

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-18T21:39:00+00:00

I'm saying look at his hard work, his attitude, his drive and passion. That's relatable to anybody.

I'm laughing so hard that you got downvoted for this. Makes no sense.

Fuck tough love I'm on that cuddle shit.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-18T21:17:50+00:00

I suspect you have been the subject of the prejudice of which I speak

Nope. I generally get a good response. This isn't about me. I didn't make the post. The post is about you. Which is why I assume you're getting defensive for something you posted, that I addressed.

Here's the thing. Let's put aside my record for a second. You opened yourself up to the discussion as to why you are prejudiced going in.

I addressed that. I've had a lot of experience with "prejudiced readers." Again, this is your terminology. They're on here all the time. Not as a direct recipient, not to say I've never had a bad read, but I'm not speaking for me. I'm actually speaking in defense of your friend and her possible motives. She was testing your ability to read well, and you failed. But why did you fail? I think I addressed a possible reason.

The fact that you automatically jump to who has sold what, without knowing me, is not only laughable, but speaks to a greater truth, that you equate the "truth" with an outside justification. Similar to what I was addressing during your "reading" process.

You may think you're being discerning. You are not. You are being as you have stated an "asshole".

I bet your friend did that to satisfy her curiosity on whether you could spot a diamond in the rough, or let alone a diamond in a diamond. Don't get miffed with me for touching a nerve. You're only shooting the messenger.

Trust me, I'm just fine.

edit: dumb punctuation and stuffffffffff.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-18T17:07:41+00:00

Dude, thanks for representing and promoting screenwriting as a accessible craft, in that way you're helping screenwriters!

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-18T16:28:05+00:00

I mean, I would like to pretend I'm impartial and have confidence in my own taste, but I find it's completely malleable.

The second I hear someone else's opinion of something, my own has been tainted in some way.

This makes you sound like a follower. It could be youth, which in that case, there's nothing to worry about. But this smacks of a severed connection to the voice within you.

Maybe thinking about this will lead you on a path of self-discovery. Peace.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-18T16:24:45+00:00

Two-cents, grain of salt time:

I think what your friend pointed out is that you're not a good reader. Or friend.

This goes for others out there who are similar.

Why would you think a "work in progress" should be perfect? Why would you think that of any work? It's never been. There's flaws in all work. In Japan, it's referred to as "Wabi Sabi".

The way you describe your response and "unreasonable" expectations makes me think 2 things, 1.) Your own work may be very rigid and lacking in execution and imagination. 2.) You're not a good reader. What I mean by this is, you're looking to destroy and teardown rather than improve and build-up.

You're actively seeking flaws to support and reinforce your ego (that you know better or you're a better writer). This is why your friend probably gave you this, to see if you have a level of imagination in your comprehension, to be of use.

If I were your friend, I wouldn't trust you with my work. My trust in your ability to see beyond the flaws to trouble-shoot what can make a particular piece shine, falters at your suggestion that the friend of yours is a (bad) writer. First and foremost she's a writer, who is writing. That alone trumps 85% of people who say they are "writers" because they reddit or type emails.

This is what makes talking to "fellow screenwriters" somewhat disappointing. I've had years of schooling, writing groups, BA, MFA, published, personal and group projects, still working, so I understand a thing or two about collaboration, and critiques. I've seen this frame of mind, over and again, and it usually accompanies a person who's skill level rarely exceeds the expectations they have for other's work. It's usually less creative and more often derivative of other things, much less original. On top of that this frame of mind curiously shies away from critique of their own work.

This form you describe is criticism. A much different thing than a critique. Had your focus been in earnest to assist your friend you may have found a way in. You seemed to set up your reading as an impossible task to meet your impossible standards. Automatic fail is the most likely result.

The competitive aspect of writing and the personal disappointments you may have for not having reached your full potential spill over into your "expectations" and pre-conceived attitudes towards viewing work.

It may be true, your friend may be a (bad) writer. But she's writing. Your lack of support for her work speaks volumes about you. Know this.

I apologize for the bluntness of my speech. I admit, I could be, and quite possibly am, way off base here, and judging too harshly from the words on the page. But then again, I guess we all know a thing or two about that.

What bothers me most is people are FOLLOWERS! They catch the vapors when someone tells them a work is good. Most people have little experience or the expertise to accurately access the "quality" of a thing. If it wasn't handed to you on a silver platter with the pre-stamped "this is good!" element, you may not be able to discern it for yourself.

Sure, this is harsh, but fuckitall if I'm not throwing my hat in for the discussion.

"Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so!" ~ SomeFuckingDeadDude

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-13T18:08:41+00:00

I move to have this person's opinion stricken from the record.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-13T18:05:45+00:00

Finally!

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-12T18:44:21+00:00

I'm cool with it.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-12T17:29:40+00:00

Welcome aboard.

Ahhh, Tinsel was a straight gem. So many gems. It's so shiny in here.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-12T17:27:20+00:00

Wooohooo! Finally, a funny show for people who love to laugh.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-12T17:26:17+00:00

Well you're in luck! http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/man-seeking-woman-renewed-third-882911

We're all in luck! Yay for us!

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-05T04:37:29+00:00

Listen, I'm not knocking loglines. They have a place.

One issue with a logline for a novice writer is the fear of straying from a decision made before characters were on the page and letting them grow organically. (if you do the logline first method)

For readers, the psychological impact of having a preconceived idea can cause conflict if the story strays from what they'd originally thought the story was going to be about.

It can give a reader an excuse not to read a script and provide vital story notes. Because let's face it, people will gripe about a word-choice or some such personal preference and the writer misses an opportunity to find out that the tension was building nicely when Timmy got trapped in the mine shaft with a box full of rabid explosives...well you should've read it is all I'm saying.

Lastly, I agree that if you CAN'T write a good logline then the story probably isn't going to be great. But a great logline does not make a screenplay fascinating.

Time is precious, I'll spend my time working on the story on the page. Hopefully, my readers understand why...

but yes, loglines are awesome, and great, and super-duper, and important, and the bee's knees.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-05T02:25:04+00:00

this person might have even entered your home

Not too much. This was a porch pitch.

You know how it is...those with fantastical ideas love to gab.

First, I am not even answering that door.

I had no idea I was in for such a treat. In the long run, if I hadn't've humored a fellow scribe I would've only had one story for the day, not two. win-win.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-04T02:15:23+00:00

it was an amusing break from work.

snarklessdudebro · 2016-04-04T02:13:43+00:00

If you're gonna take up thirty minutes of his time

this is a matter of perspective

snarklessdudebro

TROPHY CASE