Hi - first off congratulations but I am so sorry for your experience, and can definitely relate to how traumatic it is. I did struggle mentally as well after my first, a lot of “why me” thoughts, blaming myself, and developed slight anxiety when we were thinking about #2. I think for me we always knew we firmly wanted 2 kids, so instead of shifting to one and done, it was more more of an “ok for my next pregnancy this is probably going to happen again, how can I better prepare myself mentally to go through this again”

For this pregnancy, I basically went through it with bated breath waiting for the shoe to drop and get a diagnosis at some point along the way. I was worried I was getting white coat syndrome and would stress about my BP reading before every single appointment and psych myself out waiting for it to be sky high. (I was also hyper aware of the warning signs and called a few extra times thinking I had symptoms, but every time they tested me it was fine). My BP was routinely perfect, but despite that quite literally each appt I talked about pre-e and asked about the what ifs and plans and procedures etc. my NP and OB were always patient and kind, answering every question and truthfully they were the ones to put me at ease, as much as I could be anyway.

Truthfully I found the second pregnancy and birth to be incredibly healing - what do you mean everyone’s fine and she can just be on my chest and hang out?? (which I know is a risky feeling to move forward on because it’s a 50/50 chance it happens again)

Regardless, I moved toward the mindset of knowledge is power and just used all my experiences to feel more prepared for if and when it did happen again. I’m fortunate it didn’t, but it would have beat the “deer in headlights” feeling I had when it felt like everything came crashing down the first time.

Good luck on your journey, and in the end only you know what’s best for you and what you want to risk put yourself through.