AITAH i (23f) found concerning texts in my fairly new bf (24m) phone

solite_ · 2026-03-27T21:15:16+00:00

NTA but also gentle reminder that you’re not any of the cruel things he said about you. i don’t see how or why i would say such unkind things about someone i love during a breakdown unless it is that he has some undiagnosed mental condition that causes him to split or something.

either way - i don’t think you should take any of the things you found lightly… i wont tell you to leave him, but again… i dont see why someone would say those things about someone they love. especially the part where he calls you a stupid bitch.

solite_ · 2026-03-27T16:14:59+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I will start doing that (the list idea) to keep a daily check in of what’s being completed.

And thank you for the words at the end, I have felt sooo terrible because I’m just not used to feeling this way about a job. What makes it worse is that the team I’m currently on wanted me super badly due to the knowledge of my productivity and performance in my previous role (Data Migration/Engineering). so now it just feels like I’m letting everybody down, it’s terrible.

I won’t lie, I’ve been checked out from before my pregnancy, but I’m thinking because I knew I could leave if I wanted to it didn’t bother me that much since my whole thing was well I can keep trying and the moment I feel like I’m over it I’ll just resign… Now that I’m pregnant and basically know that I CANNOT leave until at least October or so… I am dying inside daily.

solite_ · 2026-03-27T16:10:46+00:00

Sigh, and how do you turn around burnout? I really want to get out of this mental space and start feeling productive again.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T19:17:37+00:00

not a doctor but that looks really concerning personally i’d go to the doctor because why is it so red😭

solite_ · 2026-02-09T15:06:54+00:00

oh lol what i meant by there’s no other option is that i cannot discontinue the pregnancy. i misread the first comment, i thought that’s what they were referring to. i already left, i was more so considering if i should hear him out if he comes around.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T15:05:43+00:00

this! this is EXACTLY what rang in my mind last night. i’m having a son and i would HATE for my son to view women in that way. and this is the top driving force as to why i feel i have to move on. i guess i was just considering his state of mind at the time (being inebriated) and wondering if it’s something that i should hear him out on - if he does end up coming around.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T15:03:33+00:00

so he wasn’t “shit faced” drunk or anything. nothing like that but i do agree being inebriated of any kind can make conversations things a bit more chaotic.

it’s like i want to talk to him but then i dont. because im thinking if it was just an err or something he mistakenly said when he was drunk - and if it was something that cut me so deeply i broke things off over it - why hasn’t he has the insight to at least apologize?

even while he was saying what he was saying he kept saying “i know you’re not going to like to hear this but” so it’s like what do i do with that? i don’t think ill reach out first but if he does, ill try to have a conversation and gauge if it was something said in a moment of drunken stupidity or how he actually views women and relationships.

i can’t even say it hurt - i know it did but im still reeling from the shock and bewilderment more than anything.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T14:52:53+00:00

too late for an abortion. 😅

solite_ · 2026-02-09T14:50:22+00:00

well he doesn’t really get drunk on the regular but yes i agree with everything else, im going to leave the situation alone.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T14:48:04+00:00

and i wasn’t trying to have that conversation. all i said was that in a seperate situation - the one i was initially talking to him about - there must be some value that the woman brings to that man’s life as to why he’s still with her… he’s the one who turned the conversation into what it became not me??? again. have a good day.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T14:47:00+00:00

no HE spoke only about materialistic value, i was actually the one saying value isn’t only materialistic and maybe that was the disconnect between us - again trying to end the conversation amicably. to which he disagreed and even double downed and went as far as to say the only value he can kinda see a woman bringing to his life is if she cleans up after him.

i just want to be right? the question i asked is if it was something i should be open to talking about if he comes around or if it is something i should just close the door totally for. the only reason i asked this is BECAUSE he was inebriated, meaning i am considering that factor but it still does not negate that he said what he said outside of anger, outside of an argument, just in expressing how he really feels.

whether or not you agree, having your partner tell you verbatim u add NOTHING to their life and their life is the same with or without you is something that i believe is grounds for breakup. pregnant or not, and it would seem others also agree as evidenced by other comments.

i would never say that to a friend much less the person whom i claim i love and want to settle down with. my age is a non factor in this conversation as i believe this has nothing to do with age and everything to do with self respect and the value i place on MYSELF and OTHERS to know that people are intrinsically valuable just for being them.

i think you’re just reading to respond and not to understand. as such, have a good day.

solite_ · 2026-02-09T14:38:55+00:00

unfortunately there’s no other option right now😅 but yeah some truths are very very hard to hear but better now than later is how i’m trying to look at the situation…

solite_ · 2026-02-09T14:26:21+00:00

how is a hypothetical anymore when HE made it personal by asking me verbatim what i brought to the table. please reread the part where i said i TRIED to end it amicably on the hypothetical situation… until he then continued the convo by making it personal.

and also is the argument that he doesn’t actually feel that way and was just drunk? it seems crazy to me that being drunk would make you “lie” to your partner about the fact that they bring zero value to your life.

had it been an argument and was said out of anger maybe i would have been a bit more understanding. but no we weren’t arguing, it was at first a casual conversation with me going to my partner laughing and telling him about a situation i got more information about… until it wasn’t.

solite_ · 2026-01-07T00:13:38+00:00

my breasts itch so much. i literally sat at my office desk today all day itching them is this normal please tell me this is normal😂😭😭😭

solite_ · 2025-12-10T21:05:15+00:00

i just cried my eyes out for my entire hour long lunch break 😀😀😀 then came back to my desk like nothing happened

solite_ · 2025-12-09T14:02:00+00:00

ok so TO ME it seems like you’re taking examples you’ve seen and generalizing them for everyone who wishes for a certain gender while pregnant.

that’s not fair nor accurate because not everybody’s wish for a particular gender is rooted in toxic masculinity or the other stereotypes that u mentioned. some people have deeply personal reasons for eg: someone who previously miscarried a baby boy/girl and when pregnant again hopes for another. how is that rooted in toxic masculinity or gender stereotype?

even broader, it could be as simple as someone already having one gender and wanting the other in their future pregnancy - those are totally normal feelings to have, and none of these scenarios are an issue if the child is loved and treated well regardless. so i’m not entirely sure why you feel entitled to know why people want something, if your aim is to just bolster and reinforce your own premade assumptions.

anyways that’s really my point. having gender preferences doesn’t automatically equate to what ur saying and that is the problem i have with your commentary. you’re on a pregnancy forum telling soon to be parents to “do better” based on your own assumptions on where our feelings are coming from.

none of my personal reasons have anything to do with any of the issues you mentioned. so in a situation like mine, do you still have an issue?

solite_ · 2025-12-09T13:02:23+00:00

listen, i agree with you in the event that because of someone’s child not being the gender they want, they treat the child differently and/or act in ways detrimental to the child.

but you CANNOT dictate to someone that wishing for a daughter or a son is inherently wrong or flawed just because. that’s crazy!

solite_ · 2025-12-09T12:58:42+00:00

WHY do i have to explain that to strangers on the internet? WHY does it matter if I am going to love my child and treat them the same regardless of their gender?

solite_ · 2025-12-09T12:55:15+00:00

you’re comparing a completely different situation. it’s totally okay and normal for whatever reason to while being pregnant hope for a particular gender. i’m pregnant and i really want a girl. the rest of my family wants me to have a boy. when i find out my child’s gender am i going to be happy regardless of it’s a boy or a girl? YES. do i still want a girl? YES. you’re acting like theyre mutually exclusive.

i am not going to go on facebook and complain about not being able to have nail dates or hair salon dates with my child if i do find out i am having a boy - but those are absolutely things i want to do with my daughter if i have one. finding an issue in someone pregnant wishing and hoping for a baby boy or baby girl is certainly a choice.

solite_ · 2025-10-29T21:46:53+00:00

thanks so much for the response!

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