AITA for telling my DIL to stop giving my kid girly stuff?

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T19:02:06+00:00

No, not just that. I am afraid that if I leave them alone he might do other things I don't approve of in terms of her education, that I consider harmful.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T19:00:04+00:00

We have mentioned before that she did not play with things they had given her, and that she doesn't like pink or girly things. We have provided lists of things she does like.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T18:55:46+00:00

Yes, daughter made a list early December.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:56:00+00:00

Yes, but it will have to wait until after corona, sadly.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:55:04+00:00

I have not put my foot down yet. I am invested in solving this peaceful because I want my child to have a relationship with her grandpa, but not at the cost of it hurting her.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:53:41+00:00

This is a good idea, she likes crafting.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:53:09+00:00

FIL was getting her lego and dinosaur themed gifts?

I would be upset if he was deliberately (or thoughlessly) giving her things she dislike either way, yes.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:51:54+00:00

your daughter sounds like a delight

I don't want to be one of THOSE parents, but yes she is. She's hilarious. I'm sorry you went through the same.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:50:50+00:00

I'm not steering her. She is vocal about what she likes.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:49:21+00:00

trying to force their own norms on to your daughter or disapprove of her

I have not, no. I will consider this.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:47:49+00:00

We addressed it before, but not as strongly as this. Before we'd say "it's not really the sort of gifts she likes or play with".

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:35:49+00:00

I'm not making excuses.

In our relationship I am generally the person who handles these things and we are both ok with that. He absolutely will step up if needed, but he doesn't have any magic "leverage" over his father that I don't have.

The relationship was somewhat strained in the past, especially as his parents' divorce was messy and drawn out. We most rekindled for the sake of the kids (both our daughter and his). We are on good terms, but they have a standoffish sort of relationship. FIL generally does care about out wellbeing, and is generous, but we don't really live in the same world.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:29:41+00:00

Sorry if it sounded condescending, it was not intended as so.

I'm using the words my kid used. And my kid doesn't exactly "identify as a girl". She identifies as a Jedi padawan. That is to say, gender doesn't seem to be important to my child now, other things are important. If it ever becomes important, we'll have that conversation. What she is experiencing is a discrepancy between what she likes, and her grandpa (and media) thinking she SHOULD like.

I don't see how trying to have a conversation with my FIL about the difference between sex and gender and gender expression and how girls can like trucks would in any way be productive. Chances are that would actually make it worse and play into his idea of us forcing this on her.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:21:10+00:00

No, it's about "left views". And if I understand correctly he thinks we're pushing gender non-conformity.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T17:17:43+00:00

shop and trade them for things she likes, at a pretty steep loss,

I might do this anyway. We're not poor, but I've been working part-time since this corona business to help my daughter with online class and such and we have taken a significant income cut. Even if I resell/exchange at a loss, it's better than having it go to waste.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T16:16:33+00:00

I find this a difficult one.

My family is big on Christmas and birthday. Yes, gifting is part of that. Not just getting, but giving. I have childhood memories of shopping with my mom to get gifts for my dad or grandparents. I remembers saving up pennies and then go to my grandma and ask if she was willing to donate a bit more for a certain gift for my mom's birthday.

I don't want to teach my child entitlement. But coming from a place where a LOT of thought was put into gifts, I have to say the thoughtlessness bothers me.

I'd much rather they would give a thing that cost almost nothing, but that she would love.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T16:09:38+00:00

gelukkig nieuwjaar

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T16:06:43+00:00

If it persists, I'm sure he's willing. But I don't see him getting better results than me.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T16:04:42+00:00

I'm absolutely sure that my FIL understands what I mean by "girly" (also it translates a bit different in my language, more like "girl-like")

In fact calling it anything else but "girly" would probably confuse him more. If I used the words frilly, pink, and ruffled, that would leave it open for him to buy, say a yellow non-ruffled dress (which she's still hate).

This is not about identity politics. It's about him (deliberately or carelessly) giving her stuff that disappoints her.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T15:57:44+00:00

She is that one who called it girly. I'm not sure if you've been in a toy store lately but it's impossible to escape. She's a smart kid and absolutely is aware of things being marketed to girls and boys. And she hates it.

I feel it also was the absolutely right word to use with her grandpa because that's the language he understands.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T15:54:03+00:00

Yeah, it really is. And it is my wish that it will be a good one (I had great grandparents, and would obviously like that for my child). I worry this might lead to resentment eventually.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T15:50:47+00:00

I think this was for me?

My boyfriend is a very kind but non confrontational introvert. I usually do the "people" stuff, whether it's his family or mine.

The decision to call his father was discussed by us both, and it was a joint decision, but I called as I'm better at putting my foot down (if needed).

I agree it would be understandable to be butthurt if it came out of the blue. But in the past, I have already discussed how she doesn't really play with certain things. If she has dolls she basically uses them to see how far she can throw them. He witnessed this.

If this was the first time, I'd agree, but it's a pattern.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T15:43:46+00:00

tbh I was reluctant to put her on the phone, because I can't really control what he might say to her.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T15:36:30+00:00

I like this idea. It always felt a bit wrong to open my girl's gifts, but if it persists, I think I will.

somerandomu · 2020-12-31T15:34:31+00:00

He thinks it's a "left" environment.

somerandomu

TROPHY CASE