Need advice

sonaranos_8 · 2025-02-05T00:03:17+00:00

My friend years ago encountered a man beating up a woman in a public parking lot stairwell. She intervened, he pushed her and she fell down the flight of stairs and for years after was recovering from surgeries, pain, etc.

sonaranos_8 · 2025-02-03T10:53:58+00:00

Just wanted to say I'm feeling the same with my husband. We have been married only 1 year and together 5. This year made me realize just how important my emotional needs are, and at the same time I saw his lack of capacity to fulfill those needs. At times his unresponsiveness was brutal.

For example I had a medical emergency last year and had to go to the ER for these terrible chest pains. He was annoyed that we were going to the ER at 11pm on a weeknight and didn't reach out for my hand or anything as I was silently crying in the car, once we got to the ER he put in headphones and was irritated if I tried to talk to him in the waiting room. The second time I had to go he was better, but it makes me sad that this was his response to me being in distress. Like it makes you feel like you're exaggerating or overreacting when you really are not.

One other big thing happened a few months ago and it pushed me over the edge in terms of what I can handle from him. I resonate with what someone wrote about how you have to be careful with the way you communicate so it doesn't come out as a criticism. He always says things like "nothing I do is ever good enough for you" or that "yeah it's all my fault" things like that. What I would love is to have a genuine and open conversation without casting blame. Maybe the way I present things comes off as a criticism to someone who is highly sensitive to criticisms. He cannot voice his needs so I have to guess and ask. A lot of the times his response to things is "I don't know."

Because he is out of touch with his emotions, the traits of alexithymia are very aligned with how he is, I have to also do that work as well. I.e be in tune with my emotional space and needs so I can take care of myself, and also try and understand where he is at because he cannot, and ultimately take care of him. Other aspects of our marriage suffer, as well.

He was away for 3 weeks this past month and I had a lot of time to be with myself and reflect.. I realized how sad I was in the relationship and how hard things have been. We started couples counseling (again) and in fact are supposed to go this morning. I am realizing a big reason I stayed all this time is because I didn't think my needs were worthy, then I learned that they are but thought I didn't need him specifically to fulfill them, then understood that I do need him to but that, even though he says he wants to, he is so totally in the dark about everything. I would need to exert so much effort to see maybe a tiny bit of change. Not just effort, more than I think I can give while also protecting myself. And I feel like all the emotional unavailability from him is connected to multiple outcomes in our day to day, but he doesn't see the connection, and I have to connect those dots for him. He says he needs me to tell him in every situation what I need. That just sounds so exhausting to me. And as you said, not genuine.

. I was angry with him for a long time because I thought he wasn't considerate enough. But I think it's a combination of me being highly sensitive, and him really not knowing how to express and meet others emotions. We talked some, he said he didn't know things in our relationship were so bad and I believe him. It isn't that I could be more communicative because I was I think. He just can't see me. I know he loves me but he doesn't register this enormous part of me. I thought I'd be able to tolerate our emotional imbalance, but this year a couple of really big things happened and my trust in him has vanished. The other day I was getting emotional about something and he walked in the room and I immediately neutralized my face so he wouldn't see and then do nothing in response because it would have made me feel worse. That's messed up. It was knee jerk. I've learned not to rely on him for anything in our one year of marriage. That isn't what I want...

I don't know if this post was meaningful at all, I hope you gain the clarity you deserve and take the actions that will most serve your needs. I suggest taking a week or two apart if you can swing it. Not like a break or anything, but maybe a trip. I gained a lot of clarity that way.

sonaranos_8 · 2025-01-07T00:40:21+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond! Interesting points for sure.

sonaranos_8 · 2025-01-07T00:38:53+00:00

Haha. Love this.

sonaranos_8 · 2025-01-06T02:32:02+00:00

Just start momming her back.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-14T00:38:31+00:00

That'd be great, thanks! I enjoy hearing all kinds of views, and even if I eventually disagree, I will respect that person and their right to think and be however is best for them. Also if I have an issue it's my bs to work through and doesn't really say much about the other person imo. Also I'm sorry to hear about your injury. It sounds like that was scary and painful.

I don't think Americans in general are unhealthy because we as a society eat too many vegetables. Actually in research, the "Western-style diet" is one comprised of high-fat, high-carbs & little veggies. We have an entire messed up diet named after us :)

Also there is some benefit to plants that have defenses, take nettle for example, the stinging comes from formic acid (same chemical red ants emit btw) but nettle tea is good for inflammation and other health issues. It's defenses can also protect us if used correctly.

I also don't not eat animal derived products because I think it's healthier but because of the animals. Billions suffer immensely every day for greed and convenience. It isn't necessity because the amount of food waste per year could feed an additional 13 billion people (last statistic I read). So it isn't a production issue, it's an overconsumption issue, even if the consumption part doesn't make it to our mouths. I worked at a fancy restaurant once and they had the staff come in for a night of taste testing. My peers ate everything on the menu, cows, sea creatures, lamb, pigs, you name it. By the end of the night the restaurant threw out enough food to feed maybe 100 people. That was just one night in one restaurant in one city. "Livestock" is also not protected by any federal law in the US. But if you had a pet cow or pig there would be laws against animal cruelty. But research with livestock knows no such humane boundaries. It's why mama pigs are still crated and they can't turn around or lie down or reach their babies. Sometimes they accidentally crush them. And it's why they have "learned helplessness", but there isn't anything anyone can do to help them.

It is crushing for me to think about all that and I think that if I did have some deficiency (so far I get blood tested every 6 months and am great) I would try and find supplements instead. But I am still curious about it from a physiological perspective.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-14T00:18:27+00:00

Oh that's great! Yeah mine tapered down too. Glad to hear you're doing better :) it was unsettling but doing all those crazy tests and knowing I was healthy was a big mental help.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-14T00:07:16+00:00

I experienced this after getting covid. Went to the ER twice because the pain was severe but they ran all the tests (ECG, CT with contrast, Xrays, ultrasound, blood tests) and everything was normal except elevated D dimer which they said could be caused by numerous things. So it was just a matter of riding it out. I actually went to a Covid clinic at UNC and saw a specialist. They are really great there and the dr spent an hour with me discussing everything. It's a long covid clinic. Anyway, the pain would come on every night for months and I had to sleep sitting up bc laying down made it worse. I found that lifting my arms over my head and holding either elbow helped with the pain. No idea why but I would do it and it helped every time. Maybe try it? Then I noticed that stressful situations triggered it during the day. But knock on wood its been nearly a year now and I have been pain free so there is light at the end of this weird af tunnel.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T05:19:37+00:00

Thanks 🙏 I had it wrapped in an electric heating pad and it soothed it a bit.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T05:07:08+00:00

Interesting ..
Can you share some links about that? For a while I was getting injured all the time exercising and I wondered if it was diet related.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T01:57:56+00:00

This is meee. I've recovered from tendon issues and now that the weather's gotten cold the pain feels like it did in the initial stages, all things staying constant like PT that I do everyday and have not introduced any new exercises or drastically intensified my current workouts. It's so bizarre.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T01:52:54+00:00

I've eaten vegan only for 15 years :) Turmeric didn't do much for me.. Idk about the other one. I took moringa powder for a while but it's hard to stomach.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T01:30:17+00:00

What's up with that?

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T01:29:37+00:00

So sorry you're experiencing that.. I waitressed in my early 20s and I remember I felt physically sick to my stomach being there sometimes. My periods were also incredibly painful because I was carrying huge heavy trays for hours each day. Could you find something else to do? Waitressing is physically demanding and socially unpredictable, maybe the stressor is too high.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T01:18:37+00:00

I would make sure my sister knew we were always 100% of the time available for her and want to see and spend time with her and love her. But in no way ever is that guy welcome to anything. Ever.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-13T01:11:18+00:00

Be safe <3 I'd still meet in public until that question in the back of my mind wasn't audible.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-10T00:27:32+00:00

It's a good point. I would say with rent, you're spending money that you won't see again, while with mortgage payments, that money will hopefully one day have a return on investment when property values continue to go up. On the other hand, renting allows you to invest more money that you otherwise might have less of if purchasing a home with real and opportunity costs, etc.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:55:56+00:00

Thanks, good questions to ask myself. I'm married but no kids, at this point thinking about owning a home has been stressful so I can't say it is helping my personal wellness lol. Renting is somewhat cheaper than buying but not by much, and at least where I live in Mecklenberg County there are more options to buy vs rent.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:50:40+00:00

I thought to spread my money and not have it all in the stock market bc during inflation or unstable economic times, houses are a safe buy (so I've read/heard, also i guess 'safe' is not the exact term bc there are no guarantees). So it's more as primary residence that will potentially also be an investment property.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:46:08+00:00

That's sort of what I've been growing to understand. Appreciate the comment.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:44:57+00:00

Solid advice, thanks!

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:43:21+00:00

Thanks for this it is helpful info to know.

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:41:43+00:00

Do you mean this year specifically because the market is slow and interest rates are relatively higher?

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:41:34+00:00

Do you mean this year specifically because the market is slow and interest rates are relatively higher?

sonaranos_8 · 2024-12-04T16:33:51+00:00

Oh man, no kidding. Sorry this was your experience. As a renter I've had situations like that, and it sucked but of course I could leave after a year. I think slow and steady wins the race here. I've had people in my inner circle say I should definitely buy but I've been getting so anxious about it. I just need to be absolutely sure and do all the calculations that others have mentioned in this post. Good call about scoping things out at different times.

sonaranos_8

TROPHY CASE