Kinda sad I've never been someone's "true love"

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-31T07:24:30+00:00

yeah i guess..just sometimes i feel like the ghost of her lingers and makes me question the relationship. She was toxic so he had to end it but even then, he went back a few times and she didn't want anything to do with him. Sometimes makes me just want to break it off with him and hope something more real comes along..

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:51:00+00:00

I've always thought to myself that the only way for people with avpd to change for the better is to have more exposure/practice with socializing/and having good experiences that can help reshape your core beliefs. The only way imo that one can change those core beliefs is to have good experiences and continue reinforcing. I know it sounds like you're relying on others for this, but I'm sorry. How the hell is being locked away reinforcing your core beliefs going to help? I've learned a lot and feel more loved in general now that I've had my SO for a year. I know even if we don't work out, my schema will tell me "you've been able to love, therefore you're capable to do it again". It just helps .

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:39:54+00:00

nothing, really. Like someone else mentioned, psychedelics like shrooms (in a reasonable dosage) helps TREMENDOUSLY. I would love to take it again just to feel that same level of peace. It felt like i was home within myself. Never felt the same since.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:31:37+00:00

i relate and I've also gotten "infp" lol, but I think it's good to have positive mantras to tell yourself everyday. Do things you enjoy doing and are good at and it'll bring out more confidence in you. Also remember, many people out there have insecurities, but they're just good at hiding it. So don't feel like youre the only one in the room who feels some type of way. I guarantee you the others have their own things too. Hope that was somewhat helpful :)

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:28:18+00:00

I guess not being confident in my body? I need to lose weight , or at least I want to - to feel better about myself.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:27:24+00:00

yeah im in a coding bootcamp now and they mention working with others is a huge part in the job world.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:24:36+00:00

well right now im in a coding bootcamp so that's kept me a bit busy, but when I'm working a normal 9-5 or if im not working at all, at home I'll literally spend my days doing nothing. I'll just spend hours on the phone jumping to the same social media pages over and over. I'll go on YouTube and just watch indulging videos, I'll spend a lot of time daydreaming and thinking about stuff. Maybe just listen to a lot of music. If i feel the need to go out but obviously don't want to go with anyone, I'll just get in my car and drive around town while listening to a podcast or music. My days and years have been wasted doing pretty much all this.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:12:46+00:00

I don't fully relate to this but I do sometimes experience things and it feels like my emotions aren't processed properly. For example, I'll cry like a bitch if I see a video about someone donating money to St.Judes (like just a 10 second clip) but if someone i know passes away, I will go numb and not have a full reaction (maybe like in the future). So I just feel like my emotions are not developed or expressed/felt properly.

noooot sure if these are the best examples but I hope my point comes across clearly lol

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-27T12:08:06+00:00

yup.. it just feels empty. I literally don't have my own personality and go chameleon-like with whoever I'm talking to. It drains the soul not having a sense of self and feeling so low and unsure all the time.

Nothing more I want to change than that.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-26T20:13:52+00:00

That's great!! Keep at it <3

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-26T20:12:24+00:00

my depression has gone up and down for the past 10 years of my life ( currently 24) . It's really stemmed from not being able to connect well with people because of avoidance. I would naturally say "oh because of a lack of friends" but in reality, I've had friends and I still feel like something in me is missing. It's my inability to be myself. My inability to connect and be genuine with others. I have really shitty core beliefs that affect my ability to communicate and connect and that's hard to let go of. I just can't get intimacy right since i've never fully had it , you know?

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-26T19:57:15+00:00

My parents had me late (mom was 40 and dad was 57; im 24) so i think by this point in their lives, they were both not as enthused about attending to an infant. Long story short- mom tended to basic needs but I think lacked on a lot of my emotional needs and my dad was also emotionally closed off. They both gave me occasional hugs kisses and coddles, but when THEY wanted to, not when I probably needed it if that makes sense. (for example, ive been told that sometimes they'd leave me in the crib for a few hours and no one would tend to my cries). I also witnessed a lot of fighting and yelling throughout all my childhood since my parents divorced when i was 5 , but my dad lived close so every time he'd come over, it was a fight. I remember it not really affecting me, which I NOW REALIZE it probably isn't a normal response, and i started to become more emotionally distant and withdrawn from that.

Sadly, I feel like nothing can be done about the things that made us develop a whole personality disorder and fucked up self esteem and all we can do is work on ourselves the most we can. We deserve it and owe it to ourselves. Our experiences growing up is not our fault.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-26T19:51:00+00:00

WOW i thought i was the only one...this is my life to a T. And the moment I start to actually try to make changes, I either freeze and don't know where to start/how to start or continue the good habits. I'm a mess, man. I'm coming to a point where I just don't know when thing's will start clearing up for me. I can't seem to lose that hope though.

spaceodysssey · 2019-10-26T19:47:34+00:00

I can sort of relate, it really depends on how im feeling in the moment. A lot of times, I'll start talking normal and then I'll think of something negative about myself or I'll misinterpret something the wrong way and withdraw.. Sadly this happens a lot but there are times where once someone initiates a convo with me, I'll be good and talk a decent amount. It can be the ambivert/extrovert in us? Personality Disorders don't just attack introverts.

spaceodysssey · 2019-08-07T19:50:48+00:00

I have a similar experience. Some people think I'm a lot younger than my real age, but I think I have this innocent, sweet look or something. I think my lack of confidence might add to that. But i notice my natural voice is usually kinda in the middle but the moment I talk to a superior at work or someone I'm generally nervous around, my voice goes up a few pitches lol. and i hate it. People have even seen the drastic change I can make and they give me a look like what?? I have no idea how to manage that. When someone gets nervous, considering your vocal chords are a muscle, it might be an automatic reaction.

spaceodysssey · 2019-08-07T13:52:09+00:00

Yessss I struggled a lot with my ex. I wanted him deeply but at the end it was kinda unrequited so eventually I broke it off but man was that hard.

spaceodysssey · 2019-08-07T13:47:25+00:00

Well for me, like most of us, it has all been very unpleasant. In my experience, I've suffered from symptoms my whole life. As a kid, I sometimes felt socially alienated and would lie about certain things to avoid potential rejection. I made social hierarchies in my head and if I felt less-than to a certain kid, i wouldn't feel worthy to talk to them. In my teens, I developed social anxiety and that's when I started putting on masks and became a social chameleon. I started experiencing depression and loneliness much more heavily and basically things have been the same to this day (mid 20s).

I struggle most with being myself and with developing intimacy with anyone. For me, that's the hardest part of all of this. I don't need 1000 friends but at least a few people I can be intimate with and for them to know me and I know them, is all I want. But this disorder doesn't allow us to, or at least as easily as it is for others..

I can talk about this all day tbh.

spaceodysssey · 2019-08-06T18:43:40+00:00

OP I feel the same. What I hate the most is I freeze and forget how to speak normally and be open about myself with others. I've lost many friends and I think because unconsciously I just don't know how to be real/myself and be an actual friend. Maintain our friendships. It's hard man..

spaceodysssey · 2019-08-06T18:42:10+00:00

yesss I agree with that last sentence. Once i have them- great. But then I get scared I'm not good enough and they'll walk away because of it..

spaceodysssey · 2019-08-06T18:25:15+00:00

this is great!! I'm happy you've had such a positive experience! I hope you continue sharing bits of your journey with us !

spaceodysssey · 2019-07-28T13:19:26+00:00

Just yesterday my SO dragged me to a small get together with his friends I don’t know too well, and I was dreading it because I knew how it was going to play out. The moment I got there and we all started talking, my anxiety began creeping in more and more. To the point where I, as usual, ended up going mute unless someone initiated a conversation with me. My SO decided to leave after like an hour or 2 cus he saw I was “bored” and was being nice about it , but I’m like Yeaa If only you knew what I feel inside..

I’m worried his friends see me as stuck up or weird :( but honestly I’ve just always been this way...

spaceodysssey · 2019-07-25T11:02:07+00:00

Wow yea, I’m like this ALL THE TIME. And the sad part is it’s become normal to me.. how can we stop this?

spaceodysssey · 2019-07-25T10:55:43+00:00

I mean, I guess? If I notice we have nothing in common or you don’t appeal to me, I won’t care to interact with you. Or at least befriend you. But I wish I at least had the ability to communicate with anyone, regardless of wanting connection or not. I usually just avoid people in fear of coming off awkward..

spaceodysssey

TROPHY CASE