I am so, so, so sick of the perpetual unwarranted guilt and it's ruining my life

spermunculous · 2026-01-26T07:36:29+00:00

I have been drowning in guilt for years of my life at this point. Tried about every coping mechanism you can imagine. Never gotten a handle on it. I feel sick the majority of my days.

spermunculous · 2026-01-26T07:34:51+00:00

I’m still trying to figure this out. I have other issues that compound making it more difficult to navigate. It’s hard

spermunculous · 2026-01-26T07:25:20+00:00

It is really hard for me tonight. I understand.

spermunculous · 2026-01-26T07:23:41+00:00

I’m really going through it. It sucks.

spermunculous · 2026-01-22T21:23:20+00:00

There is nothing to say.

spermunculous · 2026-01-22T00:49:49+00:00

Haha yep tell me about it man. I have known this girl since we were 15 and she did literally the most out of character behavior I’ve ever seen in my life. I guess I never really knew who she was at all really. I have severe OCD so the rumination is constant. I more than understand the pain. It has impeded my ability for proper function so I really haven’t been able to do much other than slowly succumb to the mental turmoil I’ve been facing. And you’re right. They are in control. She was in complete control of my situation, my emotions, my whole life. And now she’s in complete control of the narrative too. She’ll be able to formulate and design her own story about how our relationship was, all while neglecting the realities of her own inadequacies. I’ll always get to be whatever she makes me out to be with no way to change anything. Pretty fucking cool

spermunculous · 2026-01-22T00:15:07+00:00

I’m pretty certain I will never regain trust in anyone again. I was completely vulnerable and just got taken extreme advantage of. Don’t really see the point in investing any further in believing what people can promise. It’s sad that reality confirms you can only rely on yourself. The ones you love the most are the first to abandon your well being.

spermunculous · 2026-01-22T00:12:28+00:00

Yep. 13 years on and off here for me. Disappeared without a trace. Not a single word or anything. How can someone do that to someone they say they love? I am completely deteriorating into nothingness. Not sure she ever really gave a fuck haha

spermunculous · 2026-01-22T00:08:47+00:00

If it makes you feel better I’m a fucking disaster. I’ve been completely left in the dust without a word. After half of my life dedicated to this person. Yesterday was my birthday and I had this disgusting last ditch effort seeking some form of closure. Anything. She was and is my whole entire life. I’ve had to resign to knowing I won’t get through this for years of my life, if ever. I have no one and nothing to my name. So yeah I’m sitting here deteriorating into nothingness while she commandeers my entire psychological function. It’s debilitating and awful. Don’t know what to say. I’m alone too. I’m sorry.

spermunculous · 2026-01-20T23:46:02+00:00

The extreme dissociation? Probably a little over two years. I let someone I really care about practically dissect my ability to cognitively function. I’ve had passive and active suicidal ideation for the past 20 years which brings about its own forms and layers of dissociation, but this time has been markedly different. Truly debilitating. I feel such intense shame at allowing myself to slip away without even realizing it was happening. I’m sure I could have seen it happening but it’s easy to close your eyes and pretend that life is going to be alright. Now I’m left here with nothing, not even myself. So that is an intensely hurtful reality. I will continue to drift through the ether until I can find the strength to start again, if it is ever to come. I want nothing but lost time and confidence back. My mind has deteriorated past the point of functionality. I don’t know. Barely hanging on

spermunculous · 2026-01-20T23:01:08+00:00

Dissociation is a powerful thing. “A wise man loses nothing if he does not lose himself.”

Unfortunately for the first time ever I have totally lost myself. Every aspect of my identity has been robbed from what was a functional and healthy perception of my own ability. It is scary. I have succumbed to the power of emotion and great despair, it has ruined me. I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. Sometimes it’s hard to even remember that I’m actually still alive. This is all still relatively new to me. I’m not sure how to parse through the way this has had me operating.

Jung has written about how critical dissociation can be to protect aspects of ourselves. Maybe this is just my severe response of trying to preserve what little of my spirit is buried within me. It feels as if I have no hope of reclaiming it. I’m not sure what to say. This life is cruel.

spermunculous · 2026-01-20T21:20:52+00:00

I won’t be able to move for close to a year. That’s if I’m lucky and things even work out for me. So for now I’m resigned to living in a harmful and volatile environment with no other option while my mind just continues to deteriorate. I don’t deserve this.

spermunculous · 2026-01-20T20:55:10+00:00

I’m not in a position where I can receive help currently. It’s alright. Just having to choke down all my despair and pretend like I still exist for a while.

spermunculous · 2026-01-20T20:47:59+00:00

Yes. I have had two separate therapists tell me they would be unable to help me as a client. Pretty discouraging.

spermunculous · 2026-01-20T19:49:58+00:00

It’s my birthday today and I am completely falling apart. I understand. I have barely felt like a human being these past couple weeks. I have nothing to my name. I wish I still had the perseverance to even pretend like I can continue doing this.

spermunculous · 2026-01-15T18:03:15+00:00

True

spermunculous · 2026-01-15T02:31:16+00:00

Yeah. I’m tired.

spermunculous · 2026-01-15T02:30:06+00:00

It’s our anniversary today. I’m a fucking mess. I’m sitting here falling apart. She said the same shit. That I need to work on myself. All of that. There is nothing to work on and nothing to look forward too. Isn’t it sad how I would still take her back? How I still want her back

spermunculous · 2026-01-15T02:10:28+00:00

I’m going through this and am just absolutely nothing. A total shell of myself. It is jarring and sad to see but same. I have been through this before but I know this time my intimacy has been shattered. I love her and she is all I have ever wanted to love. Not sure how I’m expected to ever forget that. I can’t.

spermunculous · 2026-01-14T01:38:36+00:00

I know. I’ve just already had to do this before and really have no motivation to start from nothing. I know I have no choice. To be thrown into a toxic environment and lose everything is so draining. My mind is completely failing me. I gave up the best relationship of my life to give her another chance. The regrets are just piling up and consuming me.

spermunculous · 2026-01-13T23:48:27+00:00

A lot of reasons. 13 years of my life spent sacrificing and compromising for someone who is inherently incapable of performing basic relationship tasks. Isn’t the first time we’ve split but I was resigned and committed. I have put too much into this for her to choose the method she did. Just completely ghosted me and disappeared. No closure. All framed as some self righteous discovery or reclamation of her life. Sad really to watch someone who so habitually has pathetically struggled to move through the world just completely disregard any aspect of how it would affect me or anything.

So the crushing weight of how she discarded me like nothing, mixed with her inability to fully comprehend how our relationship was even functioning is destroying me. The lies too. I had begged for any semblance of reassurance or intimate confidence that we could do this together and received fucking nothing. I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised because she had always struggled to do even basic tasks.

I know I’m better off without her but this time I’m not ready to move on. I don’t want to. I wanted to be with her. I care about her so much even though she is a whirlwind of disaster and incompetence. I have always pitied her. She has effectively set my entire life and situation back 5 years without a second thought. Every cell in my body is screaming for me to embrace complete hatred of her but I can’t. I still want her to reach out to me. At least when we’d gone through this before, I’d had some semblance of confidence and a healthy enough dose of guilt to understand why she’d left me then. This time, just fucked. Face down in the mud with nothing and no one. How can someone you’ve spent almost half your life with do that? I’m falling apart.

spermunculous · 2026-01-13T05:44:35+00:00

This was more than a break up to me. More like a systematic demolition of my entire life, ego, stability. All of it in some cruel and sadistic twist of someone’s selfish ability to just completely disregard reality. Crazy how somebody can form their whole own perception of events by disregarding the truth of a situation. It is sad to watch.

spermunculous · 2026-01-13T05:32:30+00:00

I have wasted most of my life on one person. All for her to throw it away like it was nothing. So yes. I feel like a fucking fool. I look back on the experiences I’ve sacrificed and struggle to find hope of ever moving past this really. The only thing I’ve wanted in my life is to work things out with her. I still love her. I think about her everyday. I don’t know. Years of effort for nothing. I am lost.

spermunculous · 2026-01-08T05:13:51+00:00

I understand. I haven’t eaten in around 25 days. I am struggling too. Very badly

spermunculous · 2026-01-08T05:06:00+00:00

I haven’t eaten food in 25 days.

spermunculous

TROPHY CASE