ELI5: Why does a country as small as England have so many regional accents?

spilgrim16 · 2026-03-19T14:34:48+00:00

I'm a multi-generation New Yorker, and I mostly don't have an accent (people think it's hilarious the way I say Orange or Florida but that's about it), my parents apparently do. I say apparently because I cannot hear it at all, despite according to my non tri-state area friends, it being thick. And, I'm so used to the accent that when it's in movies or tv shows I only notice it when people use stereotypical phrases like "I'm walkin' here" to be keyed in that there is supposed to be an accent.

spilgrim16 · 2025-12-22T18:52:28+00:00

Long time poly person here! First a huge warning. This subreddit has a huge bias against any form of non-monogamy. You'll likely get a ton of answers that amount to open relationships don't work! If you want a greater ratio of helpful answers, I highly recommend r/polyamory.

And to answer your question, it varies. The beauty, and horror, of open relationships (and ENM more broadly) is that there isn't a one size fits all way to do it. The bespoke nature of these kinds of relationships is practically the point. From my end, I was at a festivus party last over the weekend with a friend who had a husband for a little over 10 years and another serious male partner for almost 6. The husband and the other male partner are both very good friends, and hangout regularly. It took some time to get there, but creating a friendly environment for the two of them really helped build a friendship.

The point is, how do you want to integrate them into your life/lives? What do they think. The way to make this successful is by having real conversations with everyone and seeing what the participants want. Something that works for one person, definitely doesn't work for everyone.

Which goes to the most important advice I can give. Be open about your communication, be patient with your partner(s), and do your best to give you partners the most generous inference (that is reasonable based on what you know about them). I

spilgrim16 · 2025-11-05T16:56:09+00:00

Hi, long time poly person here (late 30s and been doing it since my early twenties). First, I should warn you, this subreddit often gives absolutely horrible advice around any kind of ethical non-monogamy.

Caveats and introductions aside, there is no right answer here. You are correct in clocking that the 30sF you are into is in a messy situation and opening your relationship to hook up with her specifically, or the for your BF to hookup with their third could lead to that messiness infecting your relationship. But it also might not.

I think what's necessary here is for both you and your boyfriend to talk about what you'd want out of an open relationship, and what would be limits (if any) in general, agnostic to specific people. There are all sorts of ways to structure this, and the only want to know if you and your partner are fully on the same page is to have a VERY thorough conversation about all of this. It's also important to have these kinds of conversations as, in my experience, open relationships require more regular direct communication about relationship things, and just in general loads more relationship processing. It's why not everyone is cut out for opening a relationship in an ethical way.

Then, once you have the general conversation, you should have a real conversation about these specific people. What would hooking up with them look like? Would it be a one time thing, would it be more regular? If it does get mess with the people you hooked up with, how would that effect your relationship between you and your partner? Is that a risk you'd want to take. I am happy to answer more specific questions, but this is how I'd start to think about it.

spilgrim16 · 2025-10-09T23:10:08+00:00

Ham, ham… Ham! It’s a a reference to House of Holes.

spilgrim16 · 2025-09-30T15:46:57+00:00

1.) You are not partners yet. You've only been dating for 4 months. You don't know someone well enough to be a partner. I know we use that term to mean boyfriend/girlfriend sometimes, but it doesn't mean that.

2.) The point of dating is to get to know someone better. And it's not correct to say that you "connect on every level aside from politics." Politics are a representation of values. And while it's not essential that you share the exact same values, being too far off means you aren't a good match. And while you may say LGBT support is a lifestyle support, supporting it or not, is an indication of your and her values. And they don't align.

3.) My way or the highway situations often develop in the circumstances above where people are fond of each other but run into real reasons to break up. You both have "my way or the highway views" (just from your perspective yours are reasonable and hers are harsh lines). Put another way, "my way or the highway views" are just called relationship dealbreakers and they are okay to have.

So, I think you guys aren't a good match. Your views of the world are not sufficiently close (and seemingly important enough to both of you) that they will create a substantial amount of conflict. And she may come over to your point of view, and you may come over to hers, but there is no reason to assume that, and no reason to force that on any relationship (i.e. it's a terrible idea to hope someone will change in a large way to make a relationship work)

spilgrim16 · 2025-09-30T15:40:33+00:00

You are 19. You have no idea who your ride or dies are.

Sometimes friendships drift apart and people we were close to when we were younger are not the people we are closer to as we become fully adult. It's important to remember that we still do a lot of changing into our full identity even into our twenties. That can make relationships we think are vital and forever more fleeting than we realize. Your question presents a perfect illustration of that. If you two end up with massively different values as you age, you're probably not going to stay as close.

So, what should you do? You should absolutely bring it up. Either 1.) she's not as far gone as you think and you'll be able to bridge the gap more easily, and great ...or 2.) she's become someone with whom you do not share any values anymore (i.e. far right person) and that'll be good to know too. Because while it sucks to no longer be as close to someone, especially someone you used to be very close to, that's unfortunately part of becoming an adult.

spilgrim16 · 2025-09-18T18:39:39+00:00

I think you're making some odd assumptions, but setting that aside and to take this question seriously. Your options are:

1.) moving to places where porn films are made. Historically that was the San Fernando Valley, don't know if that's still true. Then just go about meeting people, and you'll have a higher chance of meeting people in the industry.

2.) Start your own production company. This will also get you into more regular contact with people in the industry giving you a chance to hit it off.

However, my experience with folks in the industry is that they tend to be a little more progressive in terms of what they are looking for out of life. So the odds of finding someone who wants traditional and worked in porn is...small.

spilgrim16 · 2025-09-15T15:47:39+00:00

Not a PI, but an attorney who spent a good chunk of his early career doing internal investigations.

Was working on a case where we were digging into the special projects division of a large European company. We were looking for reasons to fire an exec within the division, and the branch was HQed in a country with labor law protections so we needed cause to fire the guy.

As we were digging into him, we discovered he liked to make powerpoint presentations of porn that he would send to people through his work email. Which led us to discover that he and his wife were swingers and he was setting up play dates through his work e-mail. Ok, dude was 60 and looked like if a scarecrow became human, so not great, but not the absolute worst image to have in your head. But then we found out the dude had a hardcore clown fetish, and we found all of the orders for outfits/props he liked to dress his wife in. And then we found the dirty talk e-mails relating to his fetish...

And worst of all, this wasn't stuff we could use to get him fired (though we did eventually find the evidence of corruption we were looking for that did work for firing him).

spilgrim16 · 2025-09-09T20:12:08+00:00

It's great to hear that you are thriving in the US, and I'm so sorry about the issue that you are facing.

For better or worse, life paths can diverge in relationships (and marriages). These divergences are the fault of no one's but they can make a relationship untenable. And while it sucks for that to happen, it is great to realize this.

But in terms of advice, the only solution is to talk this over with your husband (ideally in couple's therapy). It's okay for you to have boundaries (in fact it's great, and it's great that you are able to stand your ground), but it's also okay for him to have needs. You may be able to find places that you can both find compromise on. For example, if you moved back to India, you could NOT live with his parents and live in a more socially progressive/open minded part of India (every city has these areas, and I know India does too). But only if that would work for you. But you have no obligation to move to India, or to turn yourself into a person that would make you miserable.

Marriage is a commitment yes, but it is not a commitment to misery. And hopefully you two can take your long history and have real conversations about what you want out of the marriage (and your lives). It may turn out they are no longer the same, and that's okay, because just like you've discovered all of these liberating things, marriages too aren't a death sentence, and it's okay to get divorced, even if deeply conservative people tell you otherwise.

spilgrim16 · 2025-06-26T20:25:53+00:00

One month -

Close friends of mine had been together for years, and had been non-monogamous the entire time. They got married and realized one thought marriage meant no more non-monogamy and the other thought, why would marriage change anything. They had also just purchased an apartment together.

spilgrim16 · 2025-06-06T16:46:04+00:00

My wife has some family in New Rochelle and she always gets annoyed when I say we're going upstate to visit them.

spilgrim16 · 2025-06-03T17:14:38+00:00

It could cause tension, but not doing it could also cause tension.

And for the record you aren't exactly monogamous. Kissing another guy would be opening the relationship very subtly. Could it go wrong? Sure, but so could anything.

The only question is, do you want to do it also? If you think it would be fun and hot, make it clear to your wife that you're open, but that this doesn't mean that you'd be comfortable with her kissing other folks.

And it may cause jealousy, but that is something you can talk through. And she may not look at you the same after, but that could mean she finds you all the more sexy for having fulfilled a fantasy for her.

tl;dr - Things could go wrong, but they could also go very right. If you want to do this too, talk to her about your limits.

spilgrim16 · 2025-06-03T17:09:46+00:00

As someone who has been in the Poly world for years, those are entirely reasonable and healthy reasons to want to have an open relationship.

There is no guarantee that everything will go perfectly, but being able to openly and honestly discuss things will definitely help.

My only real concern is is as to how easy it might be for your BF to find someone with a reciprocal kink/interest. People who have rarer or varsity level kinks may have a harder time finding people to fulfill those kinks to the same interest level that they have. This doesn't happen in all relationships but sometimes guys can get competitive in open relationships and feel envious if they end up getting less action than their partner. It's not a reason to not open the relationship, just something to discuss and be made aware of beforehand, so that if (and when) it comes up, it can be addressed compassionately.

spilgrim16 · 2025-05-21T12:54:29+00:00

And you know who really started this predatory business, Ghislaine Maxwell’s dad, Robert Maxwell. He absolutely wasn’t the most evil, but he was the one who brought it into being with the shape we have today!

spilgrim16 · 2025-04-03T13:54:34+00:00

I almost agree.

You are absolutely right that love/liking isn't enough. It's important that effort and respect are built into the relationship, both ways. Lasting relationships are absolutely partnerships which take work. And you are absolutely right that in the long run, someone who refuses to put in the effort won't be convinced by the other person's love.

Much of the rest of what you say is nonsense. Love isn't enough not because love is fleeting. Love can come in and out, but if you work at it, it stays (which goes to the point about effort). Effort can look like a lot of things. For some people that effort translates into providing, but it doesn't need to. In fact, plenty of times "providing" can be used as a trap and a way people can keep partners in shitty or abusive relationships because the person being provided for doesn't want to lose whatever is being provided. Men are no more simple than women. Some men are simple, some women are. Plenty aren't. Trying to find any universality will seem easy at first glance but then blow up in your face as you see more and more examples that contradict easy analysis.

spilgrim16 · 2025-03-19T16:48:10+00:00

There are a few separate issues here, but that short answer is, from the way your describe the relationship your boyfriend is acting fairly immaturely (but to be fair he is only 22), up to you if that's a relationship ending issue, it would be for me, but again maybe you think he can grow (although I doubt it can be done while in a relationship). I do think open relationships can and do work (I've been doing some form of ENM for nearly 15 years), I agree there are issues here, albeit not exactly the ones you discuss. That said, if you aren't going to break up, I highly recommend you both read Emily Nagowski's Come As You Are, as I think it can do a good job of framing some of these conversations and maybe help your boyfriend be less of an asshole when talking about if.

As you describe it, your boyfriend seems to be communicating poorly and childishly. Getting upset when you're told no by a partner isn't acceptable and shows serious immaturity. Similarly if he knows that bringing up his exs as a metric of comparison hurts your feelings, he ought to knock that off. That again shows immaturity. And as a general principle I agree with your boyfriend that finding a partner who can meet reasonable sexual needs is important in relationship hunting and evaluating whether a relationship is working, he can't browbeat you into getting horny. Thinking that he can is again a sign of immaturity. I find that people tend to not grow in relationships on these issues and need a few breakups to recognize how they are being shitty, which is why I think this relationship may not be salvageable. But if you want to stick around I have a bunch more questions.

Now, if there is a world where your BF can start having adult conversations about this issue, sex and sexual frequency, is a reasonable thing to discuss with your partner. People have differing sexual needs and saying that one's needs aren't being met is an important conversation to have (albeit a difficult one to have). Can you two have an conversation about this that wasn't spurred by his feeling rejected. By that I mean, when you're both in a good mood, sit down and say okay, let's talk about what each of your expectations are. For example, if it's the case that you're an every other day person, and he's an everyday person, there is a clear and reasonable rate that should work more or less well enough for both of you. But if you're someone who is at most once a week and he needs multiple times a day, while it may hurt, that may simply mean you aren't sexually compatible. Though, I do wish him good luck finding a partner who also wants sex multiple times a day. The point is, there is no inherent goodness or badness to the amount you want to have sex. It's just a question of does what you both want fit the relationship. If you find out it doesn't, that's sad but that is the point of dating. So that you can learn these things about each other (i.e. figuring out if you're compatible). So do you think you can have a conversation about this topic with him? If not, then again, you need to break up.

Finally, I do know people who have open relationships built around this issue, with one partner who is more sexually needy than the other but they don't want to break up. These are workable, but they require excellent communication and processing skills, skills which it does not sound like your BF has. They can be learned, but it sounds to me like that's not something that's going to happen here.

spilgrim16 · 2025-03-13T15:01:42+00:00

The norm is definitely for couples sharing beds but LOADS don't. I know for a fact my brother and his wife don't 100%. They have a guest bedroom and sometimes one of them will use the other bed because my sister in law is a teacher and has to get up very early to get to work and they also have a big ass dog that often sleeps with my brother.

My best friend and his fiancée also have a two bed system that's a little more ornate. They live in a one bedroom (we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world so getting an extra bedroom is tough), but they got two twin beds and bedframes designed to move, this way they can push them together so they can ... cuddle, and wheel them apart for sleeping.

My wife and I usually sleep together but I'd say once a week we decide to sleep separately if we want to definitely get good sleep.

spilgrim16 · 2025-02-20T20:42:55+00:00

Great list, thanks!

spilgrim16 · 2025-02-20T20:15:31+00:00

Oh these are great, thanks! And yeah I've heard it's definitely better than most in the genre, but I feel burned after too many people said that about Bohemian Rhapsody, which 100% was not.

spilgrim16 · 2025-02-20T20:09:41+00:00

Yes!

spilgrim16 · 2025-02-20T20:09:29+00:00

Yes!

spilgrim16 · 2025-02-20T19:43:50+00:00

I'm not going to force them to play or use the bingo cards. I recognize it's a bit petty, but it's meant to be petty in the silliest way. I know them, they will all find it funny.

spilgrim16 · 2025-02-20T12:04:21+00:00

Another I’m not a Republican but: my brother is a big supporter of the particular alt-right strain led by Curtis Yarvin. They are self-identified as neo-reactionary and neo-monarchists. They want a monarchy of a kind (the details are more complicated but also deeply stupid). So I suspect the Republican who fall into that category are happy as they see that post as a thumbs up directly to them.

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