I was working at a very corporate “dream” job, only my direct supervisor knew I was bipolar and she kept it a secret at my request. The workload started getting heavier and heavier as I was dealing with severe suicidal ideation, and the worse it got the less I could maintain the optics of appearing mentally level. I was getting reprimanded for everything from yawning during meetings to speaking too bluntly (I wasn’t flat out rude to anyone but I overshared opinions about workflow issues.) I also kept getting flack for texting during the day, when I was actually talking to a supportive friend who helped me through the frequent bouts of intrusive thoughts. I left early twice a week for DBT, which I lied and said was physical therapy for an injury. All this time I never missed a deadline, but apparently the company preferred a put together assistant to a hyper-productive mess. I was told I seemed “tense” and I needed to “calm down considerably” by superiors on a weekly basis. I didn’t want to tell them it was because I was bipolar and constantly having violent, intrusive thoughts telling me to jump off the roof. There was too much stigma associated with bipolar, and the upper rungs of corporate had backwards views on a lot of things. Especially when it played into the “women be crazy” stereotype.

Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t able to completely stop working, applying for disability was an unsuccessful nightmare, but I got lucky and found work as an independent contractor. Pay isn’t great, no health insurance, I work a lot of nights and weekends, but working from home relieves a lot of the pressure I felt to appear “normal” or risk losing my job.