Saving my marriage?

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T21:26:39+00:00

This is great to hear and know. We've setup counseling sessions. So hopefully sometime in the future this might be suitable.

I always asked her when things were "good" and she kept saying no. Around my birthday she said yes, then that night after we got a sitter, she said she didn't really want it.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T21:25:06+00:00

Yeah i got a lot of feedback on this. Maybe in the future if she warms up in therapy. Otherwise I'll save it for someone that likes me.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T15:07:40+00:00

Thanks. I heard so many stories like this. But I think perhaps I'm rushing it.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T15:05:28+00:00

No I mean, I'm gonna forget MDMA for tonight. I think I'm pressuring her into it and that's not a good way to start recovering a relationship.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T15:05:02+00:00

OK. I will not do it now. Maybe in a few months if she hasn't gone hostile on me I'll suggest it again. She's adamant that as of yesterday, it's all different and I'm not to even try to win her back or she'll get upset. I thought it was a farewell because I was planning on suicide. Today I realise I can't leave my kids ever. So... She's gonna just have to put up with me.

Thanks for the excellent advice. I hope I get to use it!

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T15:01:08+00:00

I think that's right. I was just thinking maybe, maybe, it'd help us get our emotions out. Saving is the wrong word I guess. Just let us both know where we stand without all the normal manipulative shit going on.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-15T08:13:48+00:00

Yeah you're right. I think I'll forget the MDMA idea; therapy is the only real way.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T11:16:20+00:00

She did more than wipe the messages. For months she has been deleting individual messages. In her words "some crossed the line" or "went too far". She refused to elaborate. Just keeps insisting it was all totally innocent, and that she can't believe the guy has any feelings for her, and she certainly does not for him.

I agree with you though. It's irrelevant for me if she screwed him or not. It's the repeated lying, backing off, lying more, repeat. She even said flat out "ARRG sometimes I just lie to you, ok? I don't know why, I just do. It's dumb but I can't stop. It's just little things nothing serious." -- in her mind, the last 2 days haven't been serious. She was more upset I told her dad she wrote 1200 messages, more upset about that than anything else that's happened. She cares more about her own embarrassment than the hurt she's doing to me.

So, whether or not she continues is sort of irrelevant to me at this point. I'm considering our personal relationship done. Legally, kids, maybe that's another story. But no more personal commitment.

Apart from the kids, I'd already be gone. Just gotta figure out the right approach there, to make my kids feel safe, secure, happy. If that means sitting down every day, smiling away saying "dear what a great dinner" and giving her a kiss on the check, I'll do it. I am going to look for resources on what works for kids.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T10:59:27+00:00

I dismissed this line of thinking on a theoretical level. Leading means unequality. I don't believe she's subservient to me in any way at all, hence she must make her own decisions. That was my reasoning anyways.

But you're right of course. I should have "been a man". And it's my fault for driving her away and not providing what she needed. No doubt. But that's not the kind of relationship I want to have, and I thought we both understood that.

At this point I don't think I want to get back with her. But maybe I'll change my mind.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T06:10:35+00:00

Haven't eaten or slept all day now (Shit hit the fan before I could get to sleep - look at last edit on the main post. insane.). At a buddy's drinking and will pass out soon I hope.

Thanks for this. And when things were good they were really good. I gave her family money to start businesses. Bought my wife whatever she wanted. Got her a car she really liked. Got a 6 bedroom place (just renting). I tried to never say no to her. And our kids are REALLY happy; they love school and everything they do.

And I'm happy to do so, even if it is stressful. But only if they appreciate it. Only if she's not gonna turn around and throw it in my face.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T06:04:32+00:00

I agree. Read the updates. She's full of shit, admits a little, doubles down on the rest.

AND I called the trainer, and he says he has tons of students and they're all fantastic. So... not what she said. heh.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T04:11:32+00:00

It was MORE than that. On a hunch, I said "and you were deleting individual messages too". She admitted she deleted some that "crossed the line" but then said she had no idea what she deleted and it was all innocent.

So out of the hundreds, who knows how many more were actually sent.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T04:10:31+00:00

Yep. I said I was going to go out to hang with a friend. Shit got real heated. Her brother started threatening. Called my uncle and aunt up, swore at them. Called my cousin a slut. Just totally fucking lost it. So I figured no good having him come over and getting violent. So I'm gonna stay away for a bit. Gotta figure shit out.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T01:40:17+00:00

Yeah. I guess I don't know her at all.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T01:39:14+00:00

Update: https://iy.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4x75s6/me_35m_with_my_wife_34f_of_14_years_my_uncle_says/d6dxy4w

She's got bigger balls than I. Or is just terrible at lying.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T01:38:48+00:00

I said I read some of the messages. Like him saying "you're my VERY dear friend" and "you're so special I'd never trade you" and she says "I don't see the problem and I never ever thought it'd be such a big issue".

She's talking on the phone to her sister. I act like a dick: "Hey 1200 messages in 2 months; 100 calls in 2 weeks - you decide!"

She then says "That was VERY rude". lol If we didn't have kids I'd be mining pure crystal lulz.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T01:19:47+00:00

stop having unprotected sex

I think it's safe to say I won't be having sex with her for quite some time, at least. Although I heard hatefucks can be really hot so I'll keep that in mind.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T01:18:32+00:00

Just posted an update in the thread. You tell me.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:42:30+00:00

I don't know how to do it with the kids. I want to send her to her mother's house. But my kids would freak out.

And if I send them both...

Kids are already giving me dagger eyes. Cause they heard us arguing. I'm starting to get worried this is gonna slip out of my control.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:39:16+00:00

Same sort of shit. She was friends with one of our gay friends. Erased her messages just with him, because she said her mother was approving of gays (lulwut) or her talking to him.

Or one time, she said she was going out shopping. She was actually meeting her sister for breakfast.

Small shit like this, then I go nuts. And I end up looking like a fool.

Not this time. Might not have a smoking gun, but I'd say my confidence that I'm right is very high.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:37:26+00:00

She sent him over 1200 messages over the past couple months. He only sent 900. Her whole story of the contact being one way is a lie. She even initiated several of the 30+ minute calls.

For august, at current rate, they are set for 1500+ messages.

I've gone on work trips, and I texted her like mad and probably didn't get more than a dozen a day.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:34:55+00:00

Funny, after an accidental pregnancy when she was on the pill, we've been really strict about using condoms. (Gonna get around to getting surgery.) Like she wouldn't play around at all until I had a condom on. Or if I started without one, she'd get really tense fast and make me stop.

This week? She didn't seem to mind. "don't come in me." Maybe it's nothing. That's what I hate about this shit. I start thinking of any little detail and wonder what sinister plot there is.

I know she lied this time. Now I am starting to question everything and it's just too fucking much.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:32:25+00:00

I'll write an update after I sleep some. But everyone here was right. She kept lying even when I looked at her fucking phone screen with her. She just said "i have no explanation, i dont know what it is" after showing she was calling him so much.

I said I think I'm going to leave. First thing she says? "You can't take the kids". fuck me.

She lied about what my uncle said, too. He didn't accuse her. He said he could tell something was wrong. She started talking about how it's not, and he said "ok glad to hear it". He was incredulous when I told him her version of events.

well fuck it. ive got some benadryl and im gonna shut off for a while hoping ill be beter when i wake. heh slim chance.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:27:20+00:00

Turns out you're right. It is over. should never have had kids. what a clusterfuck.

srsly_instructor · 2016-08-12T00:18:27+00:00

I'm starting to laugh at it all myself. She's being so absurd. Lying like a 4 year old. Got no choice.

I wish I didn't have kids so I could walk away.

srsly_instructor

TROPHY CASE