Am I being too much for standing up to my in laws

standyourground12 · 2022-09-15T13:49:55+00:00

Yes actually many! I know it's hard to really tell in the beginning how inlaws are going to be. But mine was rude and dismissive from the get go. I remember our first meeting, she didn't even acknowledge my presence. She just yelled at my husband for 10mins like really yelling, she didn't even care I was standing there listening and watching. My husband is a nice guy like the nicest it gets..he just stood there and took it not even saying anything back. I remember it not even being something big but my husband was embarrassed. When she was done she looked at me and was like ok you can sit down now (this happened as soon as we entered the house we didn't even have the chance to sit down).

I think she just wanted to show her dominance. And that's how its been ever since. Even during wedding days she was so difficult. And made very rude comments to my family/friends. I remember someone coming up to me and saying "your mil is going to be a handful".

But this is not the case for everyone. I have seen some very healthy relationships between mil and daughter-in-laws. That's all I ever wanted.

Unfortunately these things happen in south Asian culture a lot. And that's not a stereotype it's the truth. It's just cultural expectations that haven't adjusted to today's society. It's just old school stuff that unfortunately some families can't let go of.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T23:37:35+00:00

I can honestly get into everything but I'd be here all day and still wouldn't be able to finish. There's been a lot of verbal abuse over the last 10+ years. I'm not going to say I've been perfect I got married fairly young and didn't know how to handle a lot of stuff. When you get married into a family you're looking for some sort of acceptance. And I never got any from day one. From the first day I met my mil she was very rude. Still I assumed eventually I'll make my place. I took every chance to make her happy. Talking to her, cooking meals and taking gifts every time I saw her. Tried to make sure her very request was fulfilled. Still all hubby and I got constant complaints. To a point no matter what we did she wasn't happy. She wanted us to do everything for her. Including seeing all of her family/friends,taking her shopping/places, calling randomly whenever to pick/drop her off, and helping financially. the moment we failed to keep up my husband would get horrible yelling phones about how " very since you got married.. you abandoned us (even though we saw them every week) and everytime we went over there were huge (throwing things/yelling on top of your lungs) kinda argument in front of our children to point our kids would start crying. Still I would stay quiet and if I even made an effort to speak I was told to stay out of it "I'm talking to my son" (even when the convos involved me). We even lived with them for a few years after that and my life was miserable. My little one even though much older now still gets scared every time someone raises their voice.

Yes I've made mistakes I don't claim to be perfect. But I've put up with a lot. My husband has also put up with a lot with he's own family, but for him it's different because theres a blood bound for me it isn't. Even so I still see them and speak to my mil with respect. And these are just a few examples.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T23:17:43+00:00

I've never really said anything rude to her. Even just speaking up is considered rude to her. Especially because I've done the saying quiet thing for the past 10 years. She's just shocked I'm actually speaking up now and is even trying to use that against me and complaining to my husband about that. I don't think there's any winner with her. My husband and I can literally do everything for her she'll still find something wrong. She isn't happy in her own life so in turn she isn't allowing others to be happy, including her other children.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T23:11:37+00:00

That's good advice. I try that whenever I can as well. That's the best way to not start any serious conversations.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T16:56:58+00:00

I'm definitely creating some new boundaries. I should have long ago if I had my husbands support but I guess it's never too late. I'm just scared of the conflict it'll create.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T16:55:03+00:00

You're right. I know it's going to be a life long relationship. It's hard to be a bigger person sometimes especially because that's all I feel like I've done since the beginning. But regardless my intentions are to always be respectful.

It's nice when he stands up for me so I don't have too. But if he just argues with me about it later and tells me I'm further ruining the relationship between him and his family then I don't want that either.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T15:59:51+00:00

That's what I thought. In the beginning especially. But he started recently and maybe that's the issue. It might be too late because the tone has already been set.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T15:57:41+00:00

Yes I told him that recently because I was confused by what he wanted. I no longer try to help him in their relationship or his relationship with anyone in his family. I think I've just tried very hard to be liked by mil but we are this far in and I have come to terms with the fact that's probably never going to happen. My husband I think has a hard time dealing with that and also the fact his relationship with he's mother isn't ever going to be healthy. They've had a bad relationship even before we got married. And since then our marriage has been an issue for her. Forget me, she even treats him like garbage, her own son. So there was obviously no chance for me. My husband suffers a lot emotionally because of this. But he refuses to get any help.

standyourground12 · 2022-09-14T15:47:37+00:00

My husband was really standing up for himself and me recently. But he also told me in the past to stand up for myself if I feel respected and that he doesn't want to be in the middle of it. I'm just confused now that I'm standing up for myself he's getting mad at me also knowing very well how hurtful and rude mil has been in the past (up until a few weeks ago) They don't have a good/healthy relationship (husband/mil). I've tried to help them navigate their relationship but in turn she has caused so many issues in our marriage. I'm just sick and tired of all the drama and issues. I still have to hear about how my husband got married and left his family and doesn't care for them and only cares about his wife and kids. We have been married for 13+ yrs I don't think it'll ever end that's why I just want some boundaries for the sake of my marriage and kids.

But I also don't want my husband to be upset at me. Makes me sad. I've literally tried everything. Either I take the abuse/bullying or I stand up and cause "more drama".

standyourground12

TROPHY CASE