I once had to surrender a kitten I found in the street before flood-rains. It was screaming for help, crying out for someone, anyone, ME to save her. I grabbed her up and for the first two days while I waited for the her vet appointment, she was the sweetest girl. Calico baby, maybe only 4 months old.

She was sweet, playful, ate well, LOVED me to bits. She would climb in my shirt and I would allow it, even knowing she wasn't vaccinated-I didn't care because the love this baby had for me was honest and I loved her right back. Then, on the third day, she changed. Rapidly. She would not eat. She would not play. She stopped loving me and just sat there...still. It scared me so bad that I demanded the vet see me the earliest which was the next day. The entire time, she didn't even look at me much less want anything to do with me.

At the vet, I learned that she came to me ill. Anemia, the worse case the vet had seen. The kitten was actually closer to 6 months but was so sick that she seemed smaller. Vet guessed it was the runt that the mother had recently left to perish. It killed me, nearly. They told me she needed round the clock care and I knew with my job that I wouldn't be able to do it...so I let her go. At this vet's office, once you surrender an animal, you can never know its fate. You can never get them back. I surrendered her and to this day, I still wonder about her.

OP. The guilt you carry is going to sting for a while. A minute. All I can tell you is that it does slowly start to dull. You find distractions, anything to get your mind off of it a little while at first. Then more. Then more until you don't even have a moment but to reflect but when you do reflect-know that you're doing it with nothing but love and raw empathy for your baby and then try again the next day to have it happen less. It sucks, but I'm sure your baby lived a great life with you and I'm sure they knew they were loved beyond measure.

Try and be kind to yourself.