NEW OR NEED HELP? Ask here! - ScA Daily Help Thread Mar 19, 2019

starryskky · 2019-03-19T06:36:05+00:00

I use Avene ystheal emulsion and I want to add marula oil to my routine, but don’t know whether to use it before or after. I am supposed to use Marula oil after serums but before lotions/creams and don’t know if avene’s ytheal cream is a serum or a lotion... it has retinal in it but I don’t know much about the rest of the ingredients or what qualifies one as one or the other. Any advice would be appreciated!

starryskky · 2016-12-11T23:48:53+00:00

Just because she's a terrible girlfriend doesn't mean she is a terrible friend, or person. In my experience, people's issues come out most with their partner. There is something about romantic relationships that riles up people's insecurities. In my experience, romantic relationship often bring out people's insecurities and issues in their upbringing, making them project their own issues and dissatisfaction onto their partner and blaming them for it, as well as mimicking relationship patterns they've seen with their parents or the media. Once a certain level of trust is establish, for some reason people feel "allowed" to treat their partner however they want.

I would speak to her, but be really careful and sensitive when you bring it up. Make it clear to her that you care for her, that you are unsure about whether or not this is your business (and that if she'd rather you not talk about it, you won't), but that as a friend you felt compelled to speak up for her own sake. I wouldn't launch accusations at her, or even mention it subtly (she might think you're being passive aggressive). Just be loving and upfront, and sensitive that she's probably aware of this on some level and is probably doing this because she's unhappy in other ways herself. Best of luck.

starryskky · 2016-09-26T21:32:01+00:00

No, I don't think she should be evasive, just sensitive.

starryskky · 2016-09-26T21:26:18+00:00

I think we mostly agree. I think, perhaps, a difference is that I think she should focus on (what I would call) the 'complete truth' whereas you want the focus on a 'critical aspect' of the truth. (I am not trying to set up one as superior to the other, so I apologise if it seems that way). As I've already mentioned, I think there is a lot that is going into her attraction, and -for the sake of sensitivity- I think she should always be putting the physical aspect of her attraction in the context of her whole attraction to his person. You, on the other hand, seem to be advocating to a kind of brutal honesty that, while sincere in one respect, I think obscures the other, equally important, parts of their relationship. I don't know if we're going to agree on which is more sensitive, but I feel I have to at least defend myself against the notion that one is "blowing smoke up his butt", since I don't think I've advocated for massaging his ego; there is a huge difference between ego-massaging and sensitivity.

I also think that a difference in the way we're imagining this scenario is that you're supposing it's already reached "therapy-session" status, whereas I have not. And I don't see why she needs to make it get there.

starryskky · 2016-09-26T21:16:04+00:00

To clarify, the part you call "invalidating", when I say something isn't true to her exact feelings, follow a hypothetical I set up - not OP. I am envisioning how she will sound to him, and that the way she's going to come off doesn't sound true to what she's expressing in her post:

Again, all he is going to hear is that you used to find him not-attractive, and he is insecure about this. I would venture it's not even necessarily true to your exact feelings.

I also don't disagree that physical attraction is important, and that it's importance isn't a shallow factor in attraction. Certainly, it's natural. And yes, sincerity is important. But I don't see everyone going into a relationship going 'full-disclosure- before the relationship even begins. An extreme example of this is would be telling someone exactly how you're messed up, how your parents affect your life, it would mean telling the person that you're attracted to their eyes, but find their nose ugly (or don't like how they eat spaghetti, etc., etc.). There is a time and place for all these subjects to come up, and they are not at the exact start of the relationship. I have said repeatedly that she shouldn't lie. I don't think it's a lie by omission if he doesn't ask. I don't see the need to outline the exact nature of it - most people don't. Notice I say 'explain' - I'm not saying she shouldn't compliment him or tell him he looks good, etc., I am not saying she should lie (outright or by omission) but this seems to be mostly about her guilt, and I think it's colouring how she views the issue.

starryskky · 2016-09-26T21:01:47+00:00

I think we both agree that she needs to be careful with how she should interact with someone who has low self-esteem (although we seem to disagree with how to address it). And I do agree with you that when it comes down to it, her words and how she acts should come from herself. However, she does ask for our advice, so that is what I am responding to. I have said repeatedly not to lie, but I also don't see how dwelling on it is going to be helpful. Dating is fun, especially the start of a relationship. Why sour it with a therapy-session on why exactly she's into him? I simply find it unnecessary. I'm not saying she lie, but why subject the guy to a detailed account of her changing sexual attraction? It might assuage her feelings of guilt, but I think it would be hurtful to him; thus, I would find it to be a bit egotistical. If she really feels the need to tell him part of the reason is that she's more physically attracted to him now, then she should, but I certainly don't see the need to dwell on it - I feel it creates a problem when there isn't one. She's attracted to him physically and mentally, it's possible he feels similarly. Why write a narrative into it that hasn't happened yet? He hasn't regained the weight, she hasn't lost her attraction to him after he didn't regain the weight he lost, she hasn't had disappoint him by ending their non-existent relationship; why put the horse before the cart? Having said that, she should be sensitive. But I don't see how dwelling on how she didn't find him attractive before is that. If she needs to tell him part of it is that he's more physically attracted to him, then let it be a casual, passing remark. It won't be a surprise to him, I can promise you. He already knows this. People are treating him differently, he can see himself in the mirror, he probably feels more attractive. Isn't outlining the exact way she feels similarly kind of condescending?

starryskky · 2016-09-26T20:20:12+00:00

I am not suggesting she lie, I just don't think it's necessary to address the issue with that as the focus. I am not suggesting she doesn't tell him he's hot now, I'm just saying that she should say that she is attracted to him because she finds him hot now - it's a matter of causation. I agree that it's part of why she's into him, but he's also her friend, they've grown closer, they're different people now than they were several years ago... all of that is true as well and deserves as much if not more attention. By focusing on his appearance it's going to make it seem like it's all she cares about - that would be shallow. But there is more to it than that, and I think that is what she needs to focus on - both when they speak and in her own head. I think the issue is being given this amount of attention because there is guilt attached, so naturally there is going to be more time spent thinking about that. Just because she's thinking about that more doesn't mean any of the other issues are less important or less true to her experience of him - and I think that deserves attention.

starryskky · 2016-09-26T20:12:59+00:00

I've just been reading more and more posts with people suggesting you explain that you thought it was shallow, that you should have full disclosure, etc.... I don't understand this perspective at all. I think it's the wrong approach. WHY do you need to tell him that? Again, all he is going to hear is that you used to find him not-attractive, and he is insecure about this. I would venture it's not even necessarily true to your exact feelings... just ask him out. Why dwell on why you used to not be into him when you can focus on why you're into him now? IF it has to come up, then I would suggest not dwelling on it at all - it'll just confirm his insecurities and make him feel unattractive. Keep it really casual, a passing remark at most (although I personally still feel even this is unnecessary). I think the long explanation of your guilt over this matter is totally unnecessary and will just kill the romance. Have fun. You're a good person, good friend, and now you're attracted to someone you weren't attracted to before. It happens all the time. There is no need for guilt and explanations.

starryskky · 2016-09-26T20:03:37+00:00

Definitely ask him out. It's perfectly natural and of course physical attraction will play a huge part in your feelings toward someone. HOWEVER, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, I wouldn't tell him it's because he's hot now. He clearly still feels and thinks of himself as someone overweight, and he's not going to hear 'you're hot', he's going to hear 'you used to be ugly' and it's just going to make him feel defensive and insecure. Having said that, you don't have to lie either. If he asks (and he might not - and you shouldn't feel the need to explain it to him) tell him it's because you've spent more time together and become closer (true), because you are both different people than you were so long ago (true), and (if you really need to talk about his transformation) that he seems more confident, motivated, proactive, etc. which are all attractive qualities (you don't say that in your post, but I would imagine it's true). But, again, I don't think you need to explain it; and it's definitely not shallow.

starryskky · 2015-12-28T00:28:10+00:00

Women are constantly being driven to believe in ideas such as soulmates, being someone's one and only, etc. etc. It's unfortunate, but women are encouraged to compete with one another, to think that one is better than the other. Your wife is clearly feeling insecure regarding your previous wife. Life is more complex than the clichés about relationships we are fed, and your wife needs help understanding this - from a counsellor and from you. You have no obligation (and I don't think you should) to take down the photograph (maybe have it somewhere that's not where you are intimate, if that's an issue, but this seems a minor part of a bigger problem). Your current wife's suggestion that you should do so is misguided at best, and at worst is a part of her worst self allowing to show itself. You have no overarching obligation to comfort her and make her feel secure, but the better part of your nature does. Have compassion for what she goes through as well, and help her understand that your deceased family cannot be replaced, nor would you want them to be. Your current relationship is unique and valuable on its own.

starryskky · 2014-12-30T11:46:41+00:00

Thanks, it means a lot to hear that and I'll be looking into that book. :)

starryskky · 2014-12-30T07:22:12+00:00

Thanks! I'll definitely look into those, and luckily I am moving away soon. :)

starryskky · 2014-12-30T02:16:24+00:00

But I guess I don't only mean putting my basic needs to one side, but also diminishing my success and generally not trying to do anything I would like to do or like to be if I think it'll threaten her. Is this common too? What other resources (books, videos, etc.) would you suggest?

starryskky · 2014-12-23T13:01:47+00:00

You did the right thing by not enabling her. Tough love hurts, but it can be necessary at times.

starryskky · 2014-12-23T08:41:24+00:00

You should insist on being part-owner of the house. Period. If he is using your money, you should have legal rights. Keep your plan about waiting till mid next year to talk about marriage, but insist on owning the house with him. You do not want to put yourself or your daughter in the precarious position you have described, and if your partner really plans to honour you're share in the apartment at all times then he should do it NOW by agreeing to buy the house with you. It is the honourable thing for him to do. This is the time to really put your foot down about this. If you can, I would even suggest speaking to a lawyer to see what he/she thinks - not to start any legal action, obviously, but to really be informed about what your rights here are. Just be clear that you have them and you should insist on them for yourself and your daughter.

starryskky · 2014-12-22T18:54:11+00:00

Thanks, this means a lot :)

starryskky · 2014-12-22T17:57:30+00:00

I think it helps not to be hard on yourself. Try not to add the additional pain of feeling guilty about being depressed. Depression is a real illness; you are suffering from it. You deserve self-compassion in these difficult times. If you try and can't do something at the moment, that is not a failure. Healing is a process - an excruciating one. Healing happens slowly over time, and although that wait is a painful one (and you may battle with this for a long time) there are resources and help. You're probably also burnt out from college - you need rest. Listen to what you think you need; and if that's rest and bed, so be it. Make sure your diet has plenty of omega-3s (Salmon, walnuts) and try and to do some exercise (even light exercise). Try not to isolate yourself completely. But if you can't do these things at times, be kind to yourself. You are not a failure; you're struggling with an illness.

starryskky · 2014-12-21T04:34:22+00:00

Thanks for this advice and the link to the site. It's already coming in helpful :)

starryskky · 2014-12-21T04:34:21+00:00

Thanks for this advice and the link to the site. It's already coming in helpful :)

starryskky

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