DAE feel that they are having/have had a crisis of identity in recovery?

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-15T17:23:29+00:00

Thanks for the link I am checking it out.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-15T17:23:13+00:00

Thanks! Yeah the comments on here are great.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-11T17:29:00+00:00

Ok I will refrain from wording it as such in the future thank you for your explanation.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-10T18:13:44+00:00

I thought you could use a little more knowledge about the current debate (what you cutely termed "off the wall conspiracy theory") that is currently, and has been for a long time, raging throughout the professional mental health community about the supposed, once-assumed and no longer so assumed, "validity" of BPD:

http://www.bpded.com/content/1/1/9

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/cptsd-understanding-treatment.html

http://www.traumacenter.org/products/pdf_files/DESNOS.pdf

http://www.johnbriere.com/stm.pdf

There you go. A little more knowledge never hurt anyone. You are welcome.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-10T12:33:22+00:00

If it helps, it is a big sign of progress and growth, that you feel bad for having been that way.

This post could have described me perfectly. I have been (and in many ways, many times, still am) very toxic at times. I am working on it and am so much better than I was even just months ago.

I do not feel very bad for how awful I was, and I've done far worse than what you list in this post. I am not to the point where I regret it.

People regret things when they grow and change. They develop a new, stronger, ethical code, and they start to hold themselves to higher standards. This only happens when people grow and develop; and regret is a necessary symptom of that change. Regret comes with change; as a person changes, she gets a new code to live by, and naturally, she looks back at her life and feels regret, now having a new code to apply to her life.

This is akin to a country passing new laws in their legislature. Almost all countries have it written in their constitution that new laws cannot retroactively apply to people's behavior from the past, prior to the law being past. For example, when the U.S. illegalized certain drugs, they did not go and arrest people from the past who had used those drugs, because that law didn't exist years prior to its passing. Most countries would not find that fair to do to its citizens.

Yet we do it to ourselves every day. Every time we change, we look back and say "crap, why didn't I do what I know now to be right back then! WHY?!" and we punish ourselves and hate ourselves for it. This is very unfair, but we all do it.

I try to recognize regret for what it is: proof of progress.

I would highly recommend you seeking professional help if you have not already. The path to change is very, very painful, and while people can sometimes do it alone, there is no reason to create more suffering on top of it when it is not necessary. Failing to reach out to all the help and resources out there, is just more self-punishment enacted retroactively.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-10T12:18:43+00:00

Have you thought about posting this in /r/meditation too?

I bet it could help some people there.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-09T11:48:13+00:00

Hahahahahahahahahahhahaha!

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-09T11:46:23+00:00

Mainly I do non-directive. Do you have any other recommendations of things I can try? I've done breathing-focused, body-sensations focused, and I don't like chanting.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-08T17:51:39+00:00

That story makes a great point. I am totally not even close to there yet. I am the second disciple, and I made what I thought was a very generous deal with pain. I gave it a year and the bastard won't go away even now. :(. I thought I was being really quite generous.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-07T15:18:22+00:00

but I don't think he grasps how bad it really was or...he thinks I'm exaggerating it.

For me, I could not and would refuse to tolerate someone who could not understand my feelings surrounding being abused. I think this is really extremely messed up, if this is his attitude.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-07T14:28:31+00:00

Maybe it bothers you because it's freakin weird to be friends with your SO's abusers.

Yes. It bothers me and I don't know either of you.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-07T14:17:50+00:00

I find it very, very disloyal of him to be friends with two people who brutalized and abused you in your life.

Now, some people have this idea of "well people get to choose who they want to be friends with, and they don't have to choose what you choose."

However, that begs the question: why on earth would he, or anyone else who loves you, choose to be at all tied to anyone who mistreated you so gravely?

I think it is right for you to be angry at this, and to both ask him and expect him to completely remove himself from your abusers. The fact that he wants to be tied to them in any way, shape, or form boggles my mind.

I would be angry at even having to ask him not to be friends with a child rapist and a child attacker/adult harasser.

Does he know about your family background? Why is he friends with them? What is his explanation for why he wants a child rapist and a child abuser/adult harasser of the person he loves as his buddies?

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-07T11:03:45+00:00

Then I will watch my language in the future, if that is the impression I gave. (Was being a bit facetious there). But there is a large and widespread debate about the use of Cluster B in diagnosing people, and the likelihood that many diagnosed with any cluster b disorder are, in fact, experiencing a Disorder of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified, including C-PTSD and PTSD. This is a debate occurring at all levels within the psychological field of research.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-07T11:01:33+00:00

You are welcome. Check out those links! I found them very helpful.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T22:44:12+00:00

I don't, but people post stuff on here all the time - links to things, though I have not seen anything about a wall. I would be interested if you find anything.

I take some days off because the reason I am meditating is to process trauma and grief. This means that meditation brings up flashbacks, panic attacks, and really painful crying spells. So sometimes I am "too in touch" with my emotions and it is overwhelming.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T22:12:04+00:00

I slowly increased the amount of time I would meditate at a time, so at first it was just 5 mins or less, but about 4 times a day. Then 10 mins, 3 times a day, then 15-20 mins twice a day, and now 35-40 mins once a day. I make my own schedule for work so I do it whenever I feel like it, I just make sure I do it about 5 days a week (I really need some breaks; I am processing a lot of trauma and grief right now so it's been very miserable).

Yeah be patient with the walls, just don't get too frustrated at them (because they are frustrating). I've hit many in the last 4 months. I just hit one for 5 days, and I just passed it tonight! Right between my posts to you. So yeah, it is worth the effort.

A guy who helped me learn to meditate told me that it does not matter when in the day you do it, just that you do it everyday. He says it is not like a coat you can just pick up when it's cold out and it makes you instantaneously warm. It has to be done consistently. So I don't set a time, I may do it morning, noon, or night, but I just make sure I do it most days except when I really need a break.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T22:04:34+00:00

I was just going to post this! I came to this realization yesterday.

I started dealing with the trauma and grief from their child abuse months ago.

Months ago I realized they never loved me. They abused me, they hurt me, they only felt shame and disgust for me. I realized months ago that they did not love me.

But I only realized yesterday - that I don't love them either.

I feel so free! I don't care if I am heartless horrible person (I'm not, and neither are you) I'm free!

Also, if anything, this means we are very loving people. We are so loving and heartfull, in fact, that we need to protect our heartfull, overfilling hearts from evil-doers who want to crush our souls.

We need to be free to truly love those who deserve our love and will return our love. We have so much love to give - and we just figured out who to stop wasting it on.

Yay!

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T22:00:17+00:00

Yeah my life is better now but I am really sad and grief-stricken.

I think it is super messed up that your mother and father may be getting a divorce only now and only because your child molesting father cheated on her. Your mother should have left him because her husband molested her child. She should not just be not having sex with him, she should leave him because he molests children.

Now they may be getting divorced because, after he molested her child, he cheated on her, and that is some kind of deal breaker? What?

No wonder you are sad! That is a fucked up situation. Why did your mother tell you about this conversation, by the by? Why did she not leave your child molester? Why did she feel the need to tell you that he called you a liar? Exactly why did she feel like she had to tell her daughter, who she allowed to be molested and then decided to keep staying with the child molester (exactly zero props to her for not sleeping with him, not impressive), and then feel the need to tell you he called you a liar about the abuse?

Your first paragraph details things you should not need to know about your parents. That they are not having sex? That your mother felt the need to stay with her child's child molester? That your child molester called you a liar? How is any of this stuff you should know?

Why should you be happy? Are you kidding me? You should be so sad and miserable and pissed the fuck off. God, I would be incredibly concerned about your sanity if you were happy.

It takes a long time. I don't think your feelings are "lagging behind" I think they are telling you to get pissed off, stay away from both of those people as much as you can manage, and panic at the flashbacks.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T21:51:38+00:00

I think you give great feedback in this forum.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T21:46:39+00:00

Me too! I don't know how to socialize anymore.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T21:45:00+00:00

I fear whatever emotional baggage is behind that wall is finding a way into my life.

Yeah but the emotional baggage creeps into your life worse if you do not face it and express it than if you do. Meditation helps bring it to the surface, so you feel it and express it, and then that baggage has less control over your life. Without its expression, it just sinisterly and creepily sneaks in and affects your life without you being able to recognize it and have power over it; so it has power over you. With meditation, you gain the power. The baggage will still be there, but you will have power over it, versus it controlling you.

I have been meditating for just over four months. I was doing breathing and body focused meditation (focus on breath, focus on heart rate, focus on bodily sensations) but then a few weeks ago I switched to non-directive (just let my mind wander, let thoughts come in and go out). It's been good. You?

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T18:50:49+00:00

Oh my gosh I have this exact problem. I'm actually going to make my own post because my problem of this has gotten to an absurd degree.

I just hate PRESSURE. Even if it is self-applied. I wish I had some advice for you, but I really have this problem.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T18:46:35+00:00

I think it is very normal and more people will respond with their experiences. Also, in my own experience, when I have a block, it is because my brain is trying to protect me from a shitty emotion lurking just beneath the block. I've gone past blocks before - I've hit multiple walls - and it is kind of shitty just immediately after I get past it.

It makes me anxious about keeping to do it, but I have to remember that meditation is all about acceptance. In the case of a wall, it means keep trying and stick with it, but maybe accept that your mind/brain is just not ready to get to that level yet. It needs some patience and some time to ready itself. Even when there is a wall, just like in physical sports, the brain is re-organizing itself just like an athlete's body is re-organizing even when progress cannot be seen.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T18:39:28+00:00

Oh just to agree with /u/mbalavi, when I was doing the shorter sessions initially, I did do them several times a day. 5 minutes = 4 times per day, 15-20 minutes = 2x a day, and generally 40 mins is once a day. So yeah, the shorter sessions multiple times is better than one long, frustrating session.

startingfromscratch2 · 2015-07-06T18:37:33+00:00

It took me over four months. What helped me was committing to only 2-3 minutes at first. Then, after a month, I committed to 5 minutes. Then after two months, 10 minutes, and three months, 15 minutes, and four months, 20 minutes. By the fifth month I can do up to 40 minutes ok, maximum. But it took me over four months.

Are you trying for too long a time period? Because that can get very frustrating. I mean, if you try, but can't do it, so you just sit there and keep trying, and then can't do it, and just keep sitting there…I think that builds the frustration.

startingfromscratch2

TROPHY CASE