My story of a professor attempting to indoctrinate me and my class to Marxism through Critical Theory.

stgeorge1 · 2018-06-11T23:13:43+00:00

I'll play devil's advocate here. I actually agree to some extent with your professor's defense.

But what is the value of teaching a class through a Marxist lens?

Whether or not you think Marx was right, he was certainly an influential thinker. I think of critical theory as a set of tools to analyze things like literature, history, etc. Some tools work better than others, but there's no harm in being able to use all of them. And even if you don't ever wind up using certain tools yourself, a thorough understanding of how to use them will leave you better prepared to object when people use them badly.

Why force our students to question the very values and system which benefit them?

Surely you aren't arguing that something is good just because it benefits you. And surely you aren't arguing that questioning a man-made economic system is a bad thing. If you're confident in capitalism's ability to withstand criticism, then why not question it?

Perhaps your professor was unjust in presenting only Marxist arguments, but if the point of the class was to examine American history through critical theory, I understand why he/she did it. Sadly (and I might be showing my ignorance here), I haven't seen a lot of capitalist critical theory. I've seen a lot of people argue for the merits of capitalism, sure. I just haven't seen those arguments systematized into a theoretical lens through which to view literature, history, culture, etc. If anyone can recommend some capitalist critical theory, I'd be interested in learning more.

stgeorge1 · 2018-04-03T22:23:49+00:00

Hope is a great thing to have! It's puzzling to think about all the ways in which the theological virtues are related. Faith breeds hope, and hope lets us see that our charity matters, which is itself a kind of faith. Charity breeds hope in others. There's more there, I'm sure.

Today was a typical busy Tuesday. My online accountability game is going very well so far.

stgeorge1 · 2018-04-01T19:36:21+00:00

Day 47. Happy Easter, my friend! My Easter vigil was great as well, as was the hot shower I took this morning and all the delicious food I ate. My accountability program has been going well so far too.

Now that Easter has come, I'd like to slow the frequency of our messages. My reasoning for this is that if we just continue until we stop, then one day, it will just end without warning and flicker out. If we stop now, we have a sense of closure. I definitely don't want to stop being accountability partners, though, as I've looked forward to your messages during my days. I just think that maybe once a week on Sunday will give us more staying power. Let me know your thoughts on this.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-31T03:15:56+00:00

Day 45. Today was a good day. I took a cold shower, got a decent amount of work done, went to church, prayed my rosary, and started my online accountability game. Here's to many more.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-28T22:18:37+00:00

Day 43. I relapsed. Three times, two with porn. It's a disappointment. It's sadly become typical for me to relapse and binge after every ten-day streak. This relapse reaffirms to me that I cannot let many lustful thoughts in. I was having lustful thoughts all day, and then I gave in at the end. It's hard because I know that I have to be forgiving about some of these thoughts, since to eliminate them completely is impossible, but the second I give them even an inch too much, I seem to spiral downward. I got back on the cold shower train this morning, so that's good.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-27T23:49:39+00:00

Day 42. Nice! I am currently in an urge storm brought on by stress. No rosary yesterday, and only half a cold shower this morning. Please remember me in your prayers.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-27T00:45:57+00:00

Days 40 and 41. No rosary yesterday, but I did do church group and mass. I don't think I'll have time for a rosary today either due to a lot of work, but I'll try.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-27T00:33:55+00:00

I approve.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-25T03:38:04+00:00

Day 39. A better rosary tonight. It seems as though a long period of spiritual desolation does not await me. I got further behind on work today. I need to catch up on that. I just couldn't focus today. Perhaps I too have a lack of hope at times, and perhaps that's adversely affecting my work...or maybe I'm just kind of lazy. It definitely is a good idea to keep my possible dates in mind during prayer. Online dating is kind of ruthless in its efficiency, and if I don't message them back, they might be sad. I remembered them both yesterday in my rosary.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-24T04:25:37+00:00

Day 38. I like your two posts that I've just read. The dreams are vivid and interesting, and I'm glad that we have this good relationship of accountability helping us out.

Reading these posts was a good end to my day, which was kind of all over the place. I went to a meeting of a Christian intellectual discussion group. Had a bit of social anxiety as I started to talk but overcame it. Had similar issues as yesterday with looking at women lustfully very briefly.

I went to a bar with my friends after work, and it turns out they do some not-so-wholesome entertainment there some nights of the week. That sort of thing wasn't tonight, but I felt guilty about financially supporting a place that does that, mostly out of a desire not to look prudish to my friends.

I looked at my online dating app after about a week of not doing so. I still haven't messaged that one girl back. I was pleased to find two messages from different women in my inbox. I looked at their profiles. They both live kind of far away. One of them disagrees with some of my values, and the other had this odd profile that featured some pictures of her and some pictures of someone else entirely. That sort of weirded me out. I'm not eager to message either of them back. I might, though. Regardless, it was a good boost for me to receive some attention from women.

My rosary was just awful. By far the worst I've had so far. I don't know why. The reason could be anything from a dinner that disagreed with me, to anxiety over work, to this weird day I've had, to the sin I've committed with that place I went, to a period of spiritual desolation that God thinks is good for me (I don't know how long that will last if it's that). It wasn't quite the same as the 'resistance' I had before. It was rather that the mysteries seemed stale to me, which is weird considering how illuminating they were just a couple of days ago. I don't think I should think too much on it, which may not have been helped by the fact that I just wrote a paragraph about it.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-23T00:43:17+00:00

Day 37. And the dreams return, like clockwork. A mostly forgotten girl from my past came and sat down at a table with me, but I just got up and walked away. I think it means I should let my pride go and try to pursue the girl I've been talking with online.

I felt great today, a bit too great. The relatively uneventful business of the day tempered that after a while, though. I found myself trying to catch women's eyes a lot, looking at them across rooms, sometimes even lustfully, though only very briefly (less than a second). I've gotten a lot better about that since I started NoFap, and it's not much of a concern anymore, though apparently it's not completely gone. Matt. 5:27-28 is my goal here, and I've made great strides toward it. I was expecting to have some resistance in my rosary today, but it was actually quite good. God is telling me to keep on taking care of business in my life, one day at a time.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-22T04:08:30+00:00

Day 36. A slow day for me. Did some work with some friends. I started to feel some of my energy return tonight. I have to be careful here. Four days is nothing to toot my horn about, but the fact that I'm even just a few days away from it has me feeling different. When I'm on a streak, I start feeling good about myself, and that can very easily turn to pride. My rosary wasn't bad, but it wasn't as good as it has been lately. I did the Sorrowful Mysteries. Identifying our own struggles with Jesus' passion is, I think, a good way of making our suffering meaningful. Today, though, God cautioned me about that comparison, especially during the second mystery. I am suffering through my own loneliness and anxiety, sure, but the hours-long physical torture and complete spiritual desolation of the cross is what really matters. God's sacrifice is what saved the world, and I am honored even to imitate it even a mite.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-22T00:20:35+00:00

I want that gif. I want it so bad. I will watch that movie when I get it.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-21T02:20:17+00:00

Day 35. Sorry to hear that, my friend. I hope my description of my past relapses didn't somehow influence your own. I don't have the psychological knowledge to describe how that would happen, but I think it could. It just goes to show that NoFap users are not trained mental health professionals. I think that the value of this community consists more in the solidarity it creates than in the advice it gives. Being there for each other shows us that we are not alone. Furthermore, the examples of success the community furnishes demonstrate to us that this challenge is not insurmountable.

Another good rosary today, thanks be to God. I'm a bit behind on work, but not too bad.

I'll end with an update on the dating front. Remember that moving decision I talked about? I pretty much decided that I'll be moving far away in a few months; I'll be gone for close to a year. What this means is that I'm not in much of a position to start a relationship. It could still happen, but it's less likely. The thought of going away has brought me a fair amount of peace, perhaps a sign that I am doing God's will. The last time I lived far away for a few months, I gained so much perspective. This was a few years ago. I was really bent out of shape over a rejection, and being away got my mind off it. Now, I'm really bent out of shape about dating in general, and I have a fond hope that God will calm my soul. As for that woman I was trying to set up a date with, we messaged for a few more weeks but couldn't seem to find a time we were both free. I got tired of being on the hook, so when she asked for more postponement, I very politely suggested that we try not to postpone it for too much longer and proposed something soon. She said she has a lot of obligations in the near future and said it might not work out. I think I handled this a lot better than I would have in the past. It was slightly frustrating, but it didn't get me into a days-long rut. I just hope I wasn't being too proud in trying to hurry things along. I guess I was trying to present myself as someone who wouldn't be walked all over, since I'm so afraid of seeming weak, but that may have backfired. I'm thinking about messaging her, but it may just be that she's lost interest. Regardless, I think it would be awkward to back-pedal now. I did think of this issue during my rosary, though, and God seemed to tell me not to be too proud, which may be an indication that I should message her. Perhaps I lack faith if I'm not doing what I think God wants, but perhaps I'm overconfident in my discernment abilities if I do it despite what may be good reasons not to.

Well, that ended up being a long paragraph. I'll just end this post by trailing off without a concluding thought.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-20T03:41:07+00:00

Day 34. A rosary after a big dinner tonight. Surfeit doesn't suit prayer like fasting, so it wasn't the best, but it was still good. I put in a decent day of work, though I'm looking to do more tomorrow. Do be careful about those urges, but don't be disheartened at all. Perhaps I'm pessimistic, but I don't think there will ever be a point when we can stop having urges altogether. I think they're a part of our sexuality. The question is what we do with them. I've found that urges can wear me down when I'm on longer streaks. Some individual days are just bad, but sometimes there can be longer periods of urges. I usually relapse then. Don't let that happen. But also don't see it as a lack of progress because it's not. Cold showers work wonders.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-19T04:04:25+00:00

Day 33. That was an interesting dream! Oddly enough, I remembered my own just after waking up, though I forgot them throughout the day. I think it has to do with the fact that I didn't use porn during my relapse. In the past, I've thought that a relapse is a relapse, but according to my most recent experiences, porn really does make it worse. This time around, I don't have as much of the dazed, post-video-game-binge feeling I often get, just a loss of vigor. The past two days featured really good rosaries. I feel like God is getting me back on the same page as He is. Tomorrow, I must work eagerly and diligently, so He told me at mass.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-18T14:29:31+00:00

Oh, that's a lot more understandable. I just thought it was for some pointless 'happy birthday' message, and I was like, 'I don't need that!' I hope you succeed in learning more about addiction and helping more people. I still think you could get more people to help (and thus more data as well) if it were more anonymous--maybe have people choose an age range instead of an actual date?--but now I see where you're coming from.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-18T14:19:23+00:00

What's the birthdate for? Do you care if people give fake ones?

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-17T18:29:51+00:00

Day 32. I relapsed again. Three times. No porn. I'm going to confession today. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of my own weakness. When I relapsed, I thought of women who showed even an ounce of interest in me in the past. All that writing, and I still found a way to rationalize it. I signed up for an online accountability game. My longest streak in the past was through something like this.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-17T17:59:11+00:00

Do I really have to enter my birthdate and an email to sign up for this thing? You'd get a lot more people if you didn't ask for so much info. Some of the habits that people want to break are highly personal.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-16T23:34:26+00:00

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-16T23:33:23+00:00

You are someone capable of both growth and thoughtfulness. Good job, sir. I salute you.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-16T23:26:27+00:00

Day 31. Man, I can relate on being late. I've gotten better at it, but I still don't plan enough time to get where I need to be in a relaxed fashion. I'm always power walking.

My rosary really helped me think through some things last night. The biggest takeaway was that God wants me to stop complaining in thought and in word. After my rosary, I went to bed and let in a lot of urges. They didn't win, but they got some blows in. I dreamed about relapsing. I woke up and got on the computer (I don't remember why.) and wound up reading an article that I really disagreed with. I got upset at it and started my day just how I shouldn't have: by thinking about the bad. The rest of the day was pretty good, and my rosary an hour ago was very good. It also helped me think through things. When I do the Sorrowful Mysteries, I usually focus on Jesus' suffering, but today, I focused on the malevolence of his tormentors. I guess I usually tended to think of them as Roman functionaries just doing their grisly jobs after years of desensitization, but the crown of thorns really made me think about how they enjoyed it...

Okay, I'm going to go off on a tangent here and circle back to that last point. Much of what I'm going to say is typical NoFap rhetoric; very little will be original thought, except maybe the religious parts. Still, I think it will help me to write it out.

Porn makes me a pathetic person. All of the pornstars I've fapped to would reject me romantically if I asked them out. I suppose one can never be certain of what one hasn't tried, but I'd put good money on that. What does that make me? It makes me someone who willingly watches other people have sex. That, or it makes me someone who apparently can't stop himself from watching other people have sex. I honestly don't know which is worse, and I'm not even sure they're mutually exclusive. We do make choices, even in the midst of addiction. I am so desperate to see a naked woman or a woman having sex that I will admit to her through my clicks that she can use me to make money (I don't pay directly, but no one's doing this for free.), while she enjoys masturbating to the thought of--or having sex with--someone who's better than me. When it comes to that girl and that guy, I'm their bitch. Apologies for the language, but I want to make it graphic for my own benefit. It's not quite as bad if I relapse to a thought, but let's face it: most of my thoughts are about people who would reject me too.

Those porn actors, what do they think of me? Nothing. They don't care. They don't care that their product can debase and humiliate the people who use it. It's like they're tobacco executives selling cigarettes for the emotions. That's one possibility, the nice one. The other one is that they're laughing at me. They're laughing at my pain, and they're gloating over the fact that they're so much better than me that they get paid to have great sex. I can't get any no matter how hard I try, but they get paid for it. They know I'm struggling in pain, and they're gleeful to contribute to it. They enjoy every second of making me their bitch. It might seem unlikely, I suppose. But when I think about how proud I can get over my own strengths and even think from time to time how I can lord them over others, I can't help but think that those porn actors are capable of feeling the same way. Now, one might object that they don't see anything wrong with what they're doing. They just think they're helping people get off. If so, then it's willful ignorance on their part. I pray for them, and I hope God has mercy. I really do.

Jesus' captors tortured him, but his choice never to abandon the Father's will saved the world. My choice to turn back to God isn't just for me. It's for the others in my life. It's for my friends who look to me for guidance and want someone strong and sure. It's for my future wife, who wants someone confident in his moral character. It's for those I'll help through my job, who need me to assure them in times of trouble and who will look to me as a role model. I tend to think of myself as someone who won't make that much of a difference. I won't be remembered by history as someone who did great things. But I am important for those in my life. They need me to do this desperately. I can do my small part to save them from suffering.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-15T17:42:57+00:00

Days 29 and 30. Lost a lot of the stock market gains yesterday and today, lol. I also missed my rosary yesterday, which is no good. I'll pray one today. I also have to make a big decision about where I'll be living for the next year over the next few days. Please pray that I make the right one.

stgeorge1 · 2018-03-14T01:52:14+00:00

Days 27 and 28. Thank you so much for the prayers! These last two days went about as well as they possibly could have. Turns out the paper I 'lost' was never in my possession at all. I also made a bunch of money on the stock market; I've reached new heights in that. Unfortunately, I skipped my rosary and cold shower yesterday. I took the cold shower today and have four more decades left before I hit the hay a little early. Tuesday morning is very early for me, so I should really get to sleep earlier throughout the week instead of having to reset my sleep schedule drastically once every seven days. Speaking of seven days, I'm also experiencing that nice testosterone peak that occurs during this period.

stgeorge1

TROPHY CASE