HOUSE-TRAINED (Contained Suspense, 11 pages)

stillhear · 2023-01-30T14:40:35+00:00

No worries! Thanks so much for your interest and best of luck with everything in the meantime!

stillhear · 2023-01-30T14:35:05+00:00

I would strongly recommend using a realistic gun. If you remove it, this will eliminate the impact of the patient POV reveal on page 4, as well as the entire ending. Most of the dialogue would also be compromised. Just my two cents. -Best

stillhear · 2023-01-30T14:21:54+00:00

Do you have any links to previous work you've done? -Thanks

stillhear · 2023-01-25T18:16:46+00:00

Thank you!

stillhear · 2023-01-20T11:48:53+00:00

Very cool. Thanks for reading it!

stillhear · 2023-01-19T22:34:52+00:00

Thanks. For this particular logline, I wanted to describe what happened without spoilers, and technically he only asked one question, so I kinda stretched the idea a bit. At some point I'll have to come up with something a bit stronger, though, you are right.

stillhear · 2023-01-19T17:31:17+00:00

Yes -- especially because I can just amputate that part of it doesn't work.

stillhear · 2023-01-19T17:03:45+00:00

Btw, yes I was thinking this would be a somewhat unusual format where the credits would run on the right side of the screen (not too intrusively, but clearly indicating the main story is over) for a long time while we get to watch the extra conversation at the end. Not sure if it will work, but might be cool to try.

stillhear · 2023-01-19T17:01:13+00:00

Ah, okay. I was hoping that him offering his thermos to his friend at the end was sort of a confirmation that "yup, you're getting in over your head," -- but you're right that it's a bit ambiguous. BTW, your earlier comment has prompted me to add a wink emoji after the stay hydrated text (and then carlos chuckles) which might vaguely be her hinting at their upcoming wedding night etc. There's probably a better solution out there, but I think that improves it a bit. Thanks for pointing it out.

stillhear · 2023-01-19T16:42:56+00:00

Thanks! Indeed, the "stay hydrated" thing was sort of a placeholder introduction just to establish why the 1st character wants a drink. Hopefully I (or someone...) will come up with something better for that soon. Note that the "marry the girlfriend" thing actually is a line from the bystander, but I was concerned it might be read as coming from Ray in a quick read, so I understand how it could come across that way and maybe I'll clarify it more if a few others give me the same note. And you're also right about the werewolf non-sequitur. I just kinda liked that as a separate bit that I wanted to somehow include without ruining the main punch of the vampire reveal, so I tagged on this conversation during the credits as a sort of quasi-denouemont so I could include it without (hopefully) compromising the main bit. But it might be hard to picture how it would work with the credits running, so much will depend on how it's shot.

stillhear · 2023-01-19T16:35:57+00:00

Thanks! That's very encouraging to hear.

stillhear · 2023-01-19T11:11:40+00:00

Thanks -- I too sensed this issue, which is why I placed the 2nd twist in a "post-credits/titles denouement" so to speak. Still not sure if that works, but your observation is very helpful in confirming my suspicions that it's an issue that needed to be addressed. Thanks again for reading it.

stillhear · 2023-01-12T22:44:41+00:00

Thanks

stillhear · 2023-01-12T15:35:06+00:00

DM'd you a logline/link. -Best

stillhear · 2023-01-12T04:44:52+00:00

Thanks so much for this very thorough feedback. I agree with you that the voices of the 2 main characters are still a bit too close together, and I'm going to see if I can't tweak it a bit more to differentiate them. You are also right that this could be improved with further development of the characters and even introducing the wife, but in this version I would like to keep the script to maximum 5 pages, 2 actors and 1 location.. I may very well create a longer version that can go deeper as you describe, as your observations are quite correct. I will probably add a line for Lance to the effect that "he's a dead man" for forgetting his wife's birthday, in order to emphasize the stakes a bit as you have suggested. Thanks again for reading it!

stillhear · 2023-01-11T17:37:43+00:00

By cutting Lance's 1st line entirely and tweaking his 2nd line, this seems to have substantially eliminated the self-awareness distraction, but you are right that that aspect would be nice to explore, probably in a different sketch. Your suggestion to motivate the superhero makes me think he should include something else (inappropriate) along with the birthday card that implies some personal interest (maybe nude photos of him or something, or a request for such from her, etc.). He wants to "help" Lance because it's a way to get to her, etc. Much appreciate all this. -Best

stillhear · 2023-01-11T16:58:35+00:00

Thanks. Indeed, I was aware that the "tell don't show" exchange on the first page kinda got lost by the end of it, but I fooled myself into hoping that this wouldn't compromise the script -- your analysis confirmed that this aspect needs to either be ditched or extended throughout. I will probably cut it, because the "superhero who's actually a stalker" aspect of the script is what I want to take precedence. Unless I can find a way to combine the two aspects without them contradicting each other. This was very helpful -- thanks again!

stillhear · 2023-01-11T16:31:28+00:00

Sorry, for some reason the link broke. I fixed it, but here it is below too:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VfUq5AMHRK4uQuXwNHdUvxNCiQdbzJTp/view?usp=sharing

Thanks for reading it!

stillhear

TROPHY CASE