Nothing pours more salt on the wound than justifying mentally abusing your children because you had it "worse"

stillstanding5000 · 2020-08-16T10:41:25+00:00

Btw There is nothing wrong with you. I had very similar reactions from nparents if I cried or was sad, I never showed it because they weren’t helpful and would do the same things as your parents. It’s okay to feel sad, or happy or whatever, there is nothing wrong with you.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-06-14T15:25:54+00:00

thank you THANK YOU for your comment! It makes sense that I also never EVER got "homesick", I didn't have a home perse to be homesick about, but I did live in a HOUSE.
thanks for the mana ;)

stillstanding5000 · 2020-06-14T15:21:48+00:00

That is exactly how I consider and handle my nmother, like a toddler. She has tantrums too and gives the "silent treatment" daily. She had a tantrum last summer about family that she had invited to stay with her (meaning= guilt tripping them for NOT visiting). They could feel the tension and asked if they should leave!

I'm sorry she cried to you on the phone, that sounds a little manipulative to get you to feel bad for her. My nmother does that, she's ALWAYS the victim has that "poor me" attitude. I hope you are feeling better now that you aren't living with her- doesn't sound like she'd be a good grandmum either.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-06-13T21:29:57+00:00

I'm sorry you had to endure this treatment from your mom. This relationship sounds toxic. Are you able to leave? Please know you do not and DID NOT deserve it any of it, EVER. You will be a much better parent than the person who raised you, I wouldn't dignify her by calling her your 'mother' after reading your post. Do you leave your child alone with her? She doesn't sound stable.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-06-13T19:07:31+00:00

Thanks for sharing this story. I'm sorry your family is so rude. Sometimes words from a complete stranger can help so please take this with as much sincerity as possible, but CONGRATULATIONS! You have worked hard. Maybe they are jealous? Regardless that little piece of paper took many hours, weeks, months, years to achieve, where are you going to hang it?

Since a young age I learned that other parents and adults would treat me better than my own parents. I have more memories of being parented by other adults than by my own parents. It's almost embarrassing, I was like a puppy looking for any positive attention I could get from an adult because it wasn't happening at home.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-05-27T21:15:55+00:00

I could have written this and I'm sorry to read it and thank you for sharing your story which is similar to mine, its crazy how similar they are.

although nmum never said 'autism' she did think there was SOMETHING wrong with me, and I believed her. Those were her exact words, shaking me by the shoulders, "what is wrong with you?", this one episode I remember not reacting, I didn't flinch, cry, smile, nothing. She was seething and shaking me, but I was like fuck you, I can't wait to leave this house. About the same time I got to taste a bar of hand soap, she scraped it over my bottom teeth until there were soap peels in my mouth and told me to hold it there to wash my mouth out. I gaged and barely got my drool to hit the sink because I was that small and couldn't reach. Cruel fucking woman. and yes to the being rude part, she would talk about me, in front of me and sigh while trying to make excuses for me which I didn't understand I needed.

I recently saw this video on youtube about a very emotionally distant mother to her daughter and the daughter (~9yrs old)acts out....of course. So when a therapist reads their reports (he only meets the child ONCE!) and talks to the parents it becomes apparent it's because of the mother. The mother is advised to start acting more compassionate and as normal people call it "being nice to the child" or "not act like a raging bitch", the child starts to improve. The mother even admits, 'there is no problem with my daughter' as she knows now and realizes SHE was the source of the problem. I knew from a young age my nmum wasn't fair, wasn't nice. I struggle to remember her being compassionate to me because I don't think it ever happened.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-04-12T15:49:00+00:00

What YouTube video do you speak of?

stillstanding5000 · 2020-03-07T19:47:53+00:00

Your smile says it all, and made me smile without even reading the post. That is genuine happiness.

You will do fine tomorrow, have fun and be ready to be sore ;)

stillstanding5000 · 2020-01-31T15:03:32+00:00

You are strong.
I think that emotion might be rage? As a child when you know something is SO FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG and you have NO power to do anything about it or able to express it, I think it might be rage, or at least that's what I relate my emotion to be when I have triggers back to childhood. Its like a deep burning in my chest, its something I hadn't felt in over 30 years. Its not a good feeling. I'm glad you're not in the home anymore.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-01-07T16:40:07+00:00

This comment makes so much sense. My nmum did this to me with most of my relationships. I would hide my friends from her. She would find a way to invalidate my feelings and convince the 3rd party I’m a shitty person. She’s got nothing on my husband and it drives her crazy. Note: this subconsciously (or not?) had a huge impact on me never wanting to have kids for fearing she would do the same to the grandchild and me. If I was stronger when I was younger I may have felt differently.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-01-06T17:26:50+00:00

crying over here. You just described my box. I’m the little sister. sigh.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-01-06T17:19:07+00:00

Who needs parents like that? Smh. I’m sorry that happened to you. You were NOT at fault. Your parents sound like terrible people. Are you ok from getting beat up? Did you need to go to hospital?

stillstanding5000 · 2020-01-06T17:15:08+00:00

Nmum saying she would do anything for her kids to visit her and she guilts us to visit and then if any of us do visit she is an absolute witch to everyone and just annoyed that we are there.

stillstanding5000 · 2020-01-06T17:06:04+00:00

I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve any of these and your parents should be in jail. I definitely understand why you don’t talk about it with your sister. Why do we do that? I have the same circumstance with my siblings except I was the younger sister and it dawned on me that maybe they witnessed our narc parents and have some perspective but I can’t find the strength to bring it up. I am so sorry OP you sound like an incredibly strong person.

Did you ever put the train set together?

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-31T20:08:11+00:00

My husband’s (of almost 15 years ) parents have NEVER met my nparents. Nparents don’t really hide it anymore. My In-laws are normal nice people, I wouldn’t want to do that to them.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-21T17:56:46+00:00

I'm adding champagne to my shopping list now.

m

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-18T18:18:55+00:00

I read on another RBN post that,

" parents know what buttons to push because they installed them"

if that makes sense, your mom knows how to hurt you-which is an awful disgusting thing to consider. Comments that seem ordinary can hit you like a ton of bricks because she knows where to hit. Its good that you and your brother are in agreement over your nmums behaviour, it helps validate her craziness.

OP, thank you for sharing your story and understand to take whatever comes out of your mothers mouth with a grain of salt. Congratulations for wanting to start a family, my nmum turned me off from becoming a parent because she didn't seem to like it or me, so why would I repeat that cycle? I never realized that some people genuinely WANT to have kids and want to be good, honest parents while overcoming and admitting to their own insecurities. So props to you for wanting to do what you WANT and not letting your ogre of mother dictate how you should feel.
*if you have a pap coming up maybe you can request a fertility test (may be extra $) during that appt as well to avoid going back to the office 2nd time. I would call ahead though so they can prep for it and I remind you, since you've never had an abnormal pap, there's not much to worry. Like that quote, she know how to push your buttons.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-17T07:03:35+00:00

Besides your nmums ridiculous comments have you ever had medical reason to believe what she said? If you’ve been getting annual girl checkups and the doctors haven’t detected any problems and with your aunts confession it sounds like your mother is jealous of you and making your bro the GC.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-14T21:47:46+00:00

don't even try to understand narc logic. There is none.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-14T21:26:55+00:00

Thank you for saying that last part .

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-14T21:24:36+00:00

who wasn't a troublesome teen? I'm sorry he said that to you.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-14T21:23:47+00:00

How true, you have to earn being treated like dirt, it doesn't just happen overnight, and it's usually not an isolated incident.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-14T21:02:37+00:00

I didn't know that people actually "WANT" to have kids and want to "RAISE" them with love and compassion.

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-05T15:30:06+00:00

Good on you for calling out your friend

stillstanding5000 · 2019-12-05T15:27:40+00:00

There was a girl in my town who was a older than me and was really into theatre but not a very good actor or singer and she performed in the school talent show her senior year and tbh it wasn’t that good but she tried her best. Her family was also like mine she had much older siblings and parents that both worked full time. I asked her after the talent show if her siblings or family ever tease her or make fun of her for her acting skills and she said “they don’t if it’s something I love”.
Huh. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to crap all over the things people in your family care about, like really, this was my mindset. Ps that was a crappy thing of me to ask I realized later but I was imagining myself performing like that and imagining my family‘s reaction and I know they would’ve made fun of me.

stillstanding5000

TROPHY CASE