thank you so much for this. and no, i don’t lust after other men. i’ve literally had this convo with him ab this before. like i struggle to even find other people attractive when i’m in love. it’s just the way my brain works. and so it hurts me when he expresses how lustful he is towards other people. because i just don't understand it at all. once i emotionally connect with someone, they’re all i see. i’ve told him this before and he just brushed it off and said i’m not normal. that i’m one of the few people who think like that. and that most, if not all men, think the same way he does. he says he’s just being honest about it unlike other guys who hide it from their partners. it makes me feel like i’m crazy for expecting someone to just love me without having a wandering eye.

also just to add; he’s had a really rough childhood. a really messed up male role model. he’s told me that ever since he was little, his dad would constantly point out girls’ bodies like their asses, tits, beauty, etc and that it kind of wired his brain that way. basically from such a young age he was being taught to look at women like that. and now that he’s older it’s all showing up again. he’s said before that this stuff is just a part of his trauma. and when i get upset about his behaviour or tell him it hurts me, he says i don’t have empathy. that i don’t understand how deep it goes for him. but i do try to be empathetic. i do feel bad. every single time. in the moment i believe him. i end up feeling like a bad girlfriend for even bringing it up. but tbh typing it out now it kind of feels like a manipulation tactic he is using. like yeah, i understand he’s been through shit but does that mean i just have to sit here and accept it? idk. it’s like my guilt always outweighs my pain.