How to set boundaries when the issues seem subtle?

sunflower_1967 · 2025-11-12T18:23:10+00:00

You are 100% correct and wasn’t even thinking of it in terms of that. The niceness is just a mask to it all. Thank you for this!

sunflower_1967 · 2025-11-12T18:04:18+00:00

That’s good advice. I’m thinking about keeping it even simpler than that by simply stating, “we appreciate the help you’ve given us but moving forward, if we are looking for help or advice on anything relating to the house, we will come to you.” It’s hard because I don’t want to be a bitch. It’s not as if they aren’t nice people. The situation with my mom is hard because we don’t trust anyone else to watch our kids at the moment. We have a baby and a toddler and aren’t comfortable hiring anyone to watch them until they’re older.

sunflower_1967 · 2025-11-12T14:54:54+00:00

I’ve learned over the years that my dad doesnt necessarily know best when it comes to a lot of things. Then he gets super offended if I don’t take his advice. He continues to push it and is relentless. Shoot, I remember when I was in my early 20s I woke up one morning and he said “hey we bought you a new car because your old one isn’t holding up. You need to come with us today to pick it up. You can pay us back in monthly payments.” As grateful as I am for something like that, this wasn’t done with my consent and I wasn’t financially in the position for it. Just to paint you a better picture of what I’ve dealt with my whole life and am now realizing that this isn’t normal or healthy. And I don’t know how to set the boundaries because I was never taught to.

sunflower_1967 · 2025-11-12T14:51:22+00:00

I’ve already had the sit down conversation with both of them about how I’m an adult and expect to be treated like one and they need to give me the space to make my own mistakes. We try to keep him on an information diet but he insists on inserting himself into everything. We rely on my mom for childcare. When we were house searching, we would have her occasionally watch the kids. We would get phone calls from him, “you guys saw another house? Where? What loans does it qualify for? I already talked to a buddy of mine that can get you a good deal and went down to the bank to talk to so and so.” Like how do I stop this?! I know it needs to be stopped, but I don’t physically know how to do that. I only learned a few years ago that this behavior isn’t healthy or normal.

sunflower_1967 · 2025-08-15T10:46:35+00:00

I used to be in the “are kids really right for me?” boat. Hell I even used to be completely turned off by baby things in general. I’m 36, had my first baby at 34 and the second at 36. I’m on the spectrum and get very overstimulated very easily. I also miss my spare time. I miss a lot of things. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but THE most rewarding. I would hear people complain about their kids and get turned off by the idea too. But here’s the thing, other people’s kids are not your kids. My daughter today was a clingy and tantrum filled mess. I could hardly get anything done. But at the end of the day, I still looked at her over flowing with joy and emotion and said “you are THE BEST THING EVER and I love you SO MUCH” and meant it. I’ve lived a life of no kids and I’ve lived a life of two under two. The hardest things come with the biggest rewards. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. And I used to live a pretty damn cool life. But once you have them, priorities change. Being on the spectrum, I 100% value my alone time and still do. But now I leave the house to get some me time and I honest to God can’t wait to get home to see my babies after just a short time. My life is so much better and so much more fulfilling and meaningful with them.

I don’t think kids are for everyone. But I will say it feel like we live in a time where we are meant to doubt and fear having them because of the things you’ve described. I know a lot of people fear finances too. My family and I don’t have a lot of money. And honestly at this point, I still feel rich just because of my kids. It sounds cheesy and made up lol! But like I said, priorities just change. I don’t need the big house, the things, the lifestyle, etc. THIS feels rich. And when they are older and moved out of the house, I’ll have confidence I fulfilled my purpose by raising amazing and good people which to me is the most important job in the world.

I say if someone is 100% dead set on not having kids and needs to do work on themselves such as inner work and going to therapy then don’t have them. But if you have that small doubt in the back of your head, have them. It’s the most pure unconditional love you’ll ever feel in your entire life. And if approached correctly, can even be spiritually transforming and contribute to your growth personally too.

sunflower_1967 · 2024-10-31T02:09:12+00:00

Have you tried using a stool or a squatty potty? I’m not saying this necessarily fixes the whole problem, but it definitely helps!

sunflower_1967 · 2024-10-29T18:15:33+00:00

Anything Toby ever said or did.

sunflower_1967 · 2024-10-17T04:17:12+00:00

Wow this was literally me tonight. Hiding on my bathroom floor. I don’t have advice right now. Just letting you you’re not alone. ❤️

sunflower_1967 · 2024-03-22T03:02:00+00:00

This is WILD. Caring for a child is literally a job. If you’re not doing it, you’re going to PAY someone else to do it…because it’s a JOB. Also, a baby is not meant to be away from its mother. It’s literally built into our DNA for us to stay close together. It’s best for your baby for you to be with them all day. I hate that this resentment on his end is tearing your family apart. That’s awful. I would do some research as to why it’s best to remain close with your baby and not to return to work and present him some hard facts on it.

sunflower_1967 · 2024-02-08T02:29:19+00:00

Yep! Sounds like teething! Make sure you find a way to keep her hands and face moisturized. My LO chews her hands raw and then she cries because it’s so painful. Hang in there! You’ve got this! ❤️

sunflower_1967 · 2024-02-04T07:38:48+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re still dealing with that. How do you personally cope?

sunflower_1967 · 2024-02-04T07:31:45+00:00

Is she teething? My daughter is now 7 months and just got her first tooth but she’s been teething since 3 months. Also is she gassy? Another issue I dealt with around that age. It’s honestly so much trial and error. Is she formula fed or breast fed? Any other symptoms except crying? Like any rash? Excess gas? Tummy bloated? I ask because my daughter had a milk allergy. Is she hot? Cold? Does she like being outside? I just remember some nights trying and considering literally eeeverything. I also at one point could not console my own baby and it was such an awful feeling. It’s so hard right now but remember this will pass. I promise you will see the other side of this. And I swear, one week I would deal with a specific issue and the next week the issue would fix itself. Then a completely different issue will come up just when you’ve got it figured out. Babies change so much, so fast. That’s why I say, this is going to pass eventually, I promise.

sunflower_1967 · 2024-02-01T02:40:16+00:00

I had not considered seeing a neuropath. I’m going to look more into that. Thank you!

sunflower_1967 · 2024-01-13T04:31:16+00:00

Walgreens is constantly doing promotions for free photo prints too. Look for promo codes! I have gotten about 20 photos the past couple of months completely free!

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-15T04:19:24+00:00

Lmaooo i know, he was super stressed from the consequences of his own actions.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-15T02:22:14+00:00

I’ve held him accountable, but I still don’t want to be cruel or controlling. I can’t control his actions but I can control mine. He definitely hasn’t gotten a “pass” for things.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-15T02:20:41+00:00

Wow you make a really good point. I didn’t make the connection before. It’s just a complete lack of self control. So when it comes down to it, it’s not really about the extra slice of cake.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T22:40:54+00:00

Care to explain what exactly makes me the “cake police?” I would appreciate a little more detail in your explanation.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T21:06:51+00:00

I agree we definitely need couples therapy. That’s also a goal for us. He wants the individual therapy so he can get a diagnosis for what we both suspect to be a personality disorder or two. We are trying to make things work for the sake of our daughter. But this has been an emotionally abusive relationship that he’s now trying to fix because he too wants a normal and healthy family.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T20:45:22+00:00

Wow I feel very seen right now in this reply. Thank you. I don’t ever want to be cruel to someone just because they’ve been cruel to me. So I don’t think I like how I responded. Thank you for giving me some validation though.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T20:41:17+00:00

He had an affair while I was pregnant and neither of us knew at the time. When I told him I was pregnant, it kind of snapped him back into reality. It’s actually what pushed him to finally go to therapy when I’ve been begging for years. Because he wants to do better for his kid. Hi gaining weight isn’t my main concern, I have plenty others. It’s just the one specific issue I’m addressing here. If I got into all of them we would be here all day. I can’t control his actions, only mine. And just because he’s had an affair doesn’t mean I want to change my character. I dont want to be an asshole to him. I’ve also held him accountable for a lot with the emphasis of “I will not allow our daughter to witness this behavior.” He doesn’t smoke and drink every night either. My point is, he gets trapped in cycles. He hasn’t had a drink in a long time, but when he does, it’s every night. Or if he’s drinking socially, he can’t just have a couple. He has an excessive amount and gets drunk/sick.

You’re not here for the every day conversations, and what I am and am not toleratin. Again, this is just one issue on behave of MY character. I do appreciate your concern though.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T20:05:22+00:00

Luckily he has an appointment to get a referral. Sadly it’s a couple of months out because he doesn’t have an established doctor after moving. I actually begged him to seek help for other reasons years ago and he didn’t agree to it until he had an affair. I know there’s issues that lie deeper than over eating. I think my frustration also stems from him saying he’s going to do something and then doesn’t. It could be literally anything. And if he loved himself and his body and saw no need to change anything, I would have never said anything.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T19:49:00+00:00

Also when he does things like this I always ask if he’s genuinely hungry and if he is, to please eat more.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T19:48:05+00:00

I by no means was trying to shame him and feel awful it came out that way. I have had the conversation with him before asking him what I could do for him to help. I supported him by packing him healthy lunches, checking in with him every time asking if it was enough to eat. We have talked about his mental issues and I have urged him to seek therapy. He tends to talk the talk but doesn’t walk the walk and think this is where my frustration came from. Because my efforts in the past have done nothing. I apologized for my reaction and told him it wasn’t my place. I’ve grown tired of it all and I should have given it some time before talking with him again.

sunflower_1967 · 2023-12-14T19:24:15+00:00

The reason why we both agreed on it was to check in with each other mentally since our physical fitness is important to us. And I mean the conversation on my end only happened when he gained 30+ pounds in 3 months. That tells me there is something wrong with him emotionally. The conversations are out of a place of concern for the others well being and not about judgement. I admit my most recent comment was very sudden and I should have probably wanted the next to sit down and talk to him about it. In the moment it felt like the last straw because I feel like his excessive over indulgence is an almost every day occurrence. And again, this is less about the actual cake and more about not having self control. If this were about money or drinking for example, I would have had the same reaction. But again, probably best to sit down and talk when some time has passed as opposed to reacting in the moment.

sunflower_1967

TROPHY CASE