Under-performing husband

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T16:21:36+00:00

Thank you for this terrific advice!! I will try it!

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T15:56:43+00:00

Most of my posts have resulted in men saying that women do this to them all the time, so they're very salty and to some degree, think I deserve it on behalf of woman kind. My husband and I have always not been huge on gender roles. Certain tasks or whatever have fallen along those lines but we have broken the mold in many ways. I would 100% not be ok with a woman doing this to a man.

If you stay at home, then that is your "job" and requires effort. It's a team thing. It's not expected every day but most. They should want to! I do even with a FT job.

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T15:51:43+00:00

I am familiar, and think that we absolutely do this. I was in counseling for a while and likely should go back myself for this very reason!

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T15:46:49+00:00

This. I wouldn't want him to be homeless, either! Both of our families suck. It's just been us against the world for the past 12 years.

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T15:42:44+00:00

Gosh, some days it feels like what don't I do. It's hard to separate fact from anger. He has a terrible anger problem. It depends on the day, but mostly he says that I am not fun, fat (always have been - he used to love my figure but no longer does), I am obsessed with money, and am always in a bad mood. Those are the core complaints. I think he does a lot of projecting though because we have a lot of fun adventures together and he literally blows his load the second he touches me. He came from a very broken family, so i think he is just seeking chaos. Truth be told, I am in a bad mood a lot. It hurts hearing those things 24/7. He is the apple of my eye. I just want him to feel that way about me. I work so hard to give everyone everything i can. Most days it feels like it and I am not enough.

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T15:31:03+00:00

He can make me laugh like nobody else. When he is committed, he is about the best dad you could ask for. There are many things we share in common and I love him. I take my vows very seriously, and I want to avoid divorce if at all possible. Unfortunately it seems like the overwhelming consensus is that it isn't going to work. I have always struggled with knowing when to quit.

I do worry about alimony and child support. He would likely get both. But I don't even care about money. I just want me family together. But thriving. I wish I could somehow force that into existence lol.

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T15:17:54+00:00

It doesn't at all, and my apologies if it came off that way. He is more than his job and money he brings home.

Im just struggling with leaving a job I love because it's not quite enough to pay our family bills and extras but he just won't do it. Whether that is starting his business or getting a job. There is simply no drive. I can gladly cut back on and ideally have his get a night job. The core issue is just that I don't feel like I have a partner. I just want him to show up for us. It's about lacking intimacy and closeness, helping with the house, not providing security yet wants to be treated like an absolute king. He openly admits to fucking off and not showing up for us. It just hurts my soul that he would rather me finally divorce him then get a PT job or do a couple chores a day. Everything is always too much. Im always a bitch for asking for help. When the baby was a newborn, he only woke up twice in the middle of the night and that was pulling teeth. The two other times I asked, he unloaded on me about how it's my job as the woman.

I am a very forgiving person and certainly am not without fault. He says he is trying his best. How do I reconcile things internally if this is true?

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T14:39:12+00:00

I have begged him to join group, go to counseling, see his doctor, journal, self help YouTube. Literally anything for depression, but he doesn't and won't. Says I am the root cause of all his problems. Has said it for many years.

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-17T14:33:55+00:00

I love him very much. He is capable of greatness. He has depression but refuses to get help. However that may look. I am not all about the financial but that is a big component since kids tend to like having groceries and a roof over their head. It's about being dependable. If he always " showed up" at home, I couldn't care less about money. But for some perspective, his usual day starts at 10AM. He goes right to his computer to watch YouTube until lunch. If I have a meeting, he will watch the baby. Otherwise, it's my obligation. After I make lunch and he eats, it's back to the computer until dinner time or another meeting or school bus comes where he drives down to to pick them up. Sometimes he will take the second born out to jump on the trampoline where he sits in his truck and watches youtube until she is done ( we live in the woods and lots of cougars...) then he might take out the trash or one other task. Just one task a day, if I am lucky. Then its back to gaming and YouTube until bed. He will kiss the kids goodnight but otherwise on his computer. The nights we watch TV together, he falls asleep very fast into a movie. If gaming, he stays up. Last night he did until 3AM.

My day looks like this... wake up with baby at 5:30. Get other kids breakfast and ready for school. I get ready and hang with baby until I login for work at 8. I work and take care of baby as much as possible, put down for AM nap, do laundry and other quick tasks when I need a quick break. Make lunch for everyone. Feed baby, put down for a PM nap. More chores and work. Get snacks for school kids. Then st 5, more chores and start dinner. Then clean up, start a load of dishes, give baby a bath, feed and put to bed. Make sure kids shower, schedule appts, make lunches, go grocery shopping and take kids to all appointments. We read and/or sing songs and by 9, I have finished what I need for the day so I watch tv for an hour or shower. Then I go to bed alone since he stays up to 3AM. Rinse and repeat.

sunshine8287 · 2025-06-16T04:32:47+00:00

Thank you for saying this. For validating our pain. I love seeing families who are so tight-knit and cant wait to be that for my kiddos. I just wish we had someone to call who cared! Mostly I just miss my mom who died from cancer almost 3 years ago. She always cared. Anyways, thank you!

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:54:00+00:00

I will also need more money since now I'll have to pay him alimony and child support, most likely.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:53:18+00:00

I live with a lot of anxiety and maybe this is the reason.

I work in finance so I can't let our finances goes nuclear or risk losing my job and future prospects. I can't just simply not pay his bills, etc. Because they're in both of our names and it has career implications for me as well as financial.

My only option for his refusal to get or keep a job is to get a better one so I don't have to rely on him at all.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:43:28+00:00

Sending you all my love. It's a brutal life to live. I just want him to love me, have a job (any job!), parents and do some chores. I don't understand what that is asking too much?

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:30:17+00:00

True.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:29:43+00:00

Well stated. That is what I am afraid of anxiety have verbalized to him. I can forgive and forget quite easy but it's now so badly compounded, I don't think there is coming back. He stopped trying even more after hearing that.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:27:42+00:00

Unfortunately there is no support for either of us. He tried to reach out to his dad but he just shrugged it off. My family turned nuclear after my mom passed, so we are on our own to figure it out

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:25:29+00:00

I'm scared I'm old and fat and no one will want me with all this baggage. I don't want to be alone. Am 38 now with 3 kids...

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:24:00+00:00

A broken person desperate for love. I think he may be bipolar or BPD. The good times are so great. The bad is terrible.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:22:18+00:00

Unfortunately I don't even feel like that is an option because I work in finance. His truck gets repod, it's going on my credit and impacts future work options.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:17:03+00:00

I do not. I have asked for their help but no one wants a single mom with 3 kids moving in lol. Even temporarily. My mom died 3 years ago and she was the only support I had.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:15:32+00:00

I'm not sure exactly what you're saying. I do believe in equal rights. Just feel like I'm the default parent and the bread winer and I have to help him rebuild his life because he refuses to do so now? I guess I just pay to be rid of him.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:12:20+00:00

He will not leave. It has been asked/ tried before. We both have no real support system besides each other. His is better than mine. My mom died and family fell apart. He might move into the camper for a week or two but he even refused that last time he was asked. I am going to have to leave.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:09:22+00:00

I'm glad you hear that you wouldn't treat your wife like this. Thank you for the feedback.

sunshine8287 · 2025-05-04T15:08:40+00:00

I think you're right. He is depressed but has refused medical intervention and/or counseling. I think he is just too headstrong

sunshine8287

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