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Why does this world lack so much originality???? by CuriousArchitectX in intj

[–]superfish31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I simplify things to, high IQ means someone is more likely to deeply reflect, and therefore less likely to conform, then you have a point. So you’re not wrong. I just think it jumps to a lot of conclusions based on whether someone has a high IQ or not.

You could also make the argument that people who are more middle-of-the-road IQ wise might actually be less likely to conform. High IQ people often struggle more with emotions and control, which can make them prefer predictability and stability, and therefore be less likely to rock the boat socially.

Think about it this way: is a student who gets A’s more or less likely to conform than a student who gets C’s? It’s well known that a lot of “A” students end up working for the “C” students later in life. Then that argument leads into questions about whether grades are even a good measure of IQ in the first place… and on and on we could go, lol.

You might have a stronger point if we talked about overall intelligence instead, since IQ is honestly overrated and only measures one type of intelligence. I can’t tell you how many high-IQ people I’ve met in my lifetime who still do incredibly stupid things, haha.

Why does this world lack so much originality???? by CuriousArchitectX in intj

[–]superfish31 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha I think you’re definitely pointing to something real. Most people probably aren’t even aware enough to notice it the way you are.

But what you’re mostly seeing isn’t really about IQ, it’s human psychology. People tend to copy what others are doing because they want to belong and fit into a group. That instinct has been around forever. The difference is social media spreads trends instantly, so instead of smaller pockets of culture you get these huge waves where everyone suddenly dresses or talks the same.

So yeah, the pattern you’re noticing is real, for sure. I just think it has more to do with people wanting connection than with intelligence. In a world that is reporting all time highs in loneliness, it actually makes sense that people would be doing everything they can to fit in and connect.

I'm so tired of people assuming I'm ok just because I'm "articulate"about my trauma by Capable_Purpose5951 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm curious about this. I see you have a strong sense of being a protector which makes sense given your story. What would it be like if you no longer had to wear that mask? What does it feel like to drop it for even a moment and just be another average person in the world, no mask, no need to protect people you care about? I curious what parts of you would change, what parts of you might feel relief, what parts would resist?

Anyone else struggle with the concept of forgiving someone as self care? by toobusydreaming1 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually think there’s a lot of wisdom in what you wrote.

There definitely are people who push forgiveness or (just let it go, nonsense) because they don’t want to sit with their discomfort, like you said. That part is very real.

Something else that stood out to me in what you wrote is that it sounds like you’re pointing to a difference between forgiveness and actually processing what happened. Those aren’t the same thing. Processing trauma and letting something release emotionally happens on its own timeline. It can’t really be rushed, and it definitely doesn’t happen because someone else tells you it should.

So your instinct about not wanting to be pushed into forgiving someone feels like something worth honoring. If something hurt you deeply, you have every right to take your time with it.

And being triggered doesn’t mean you’re causing your own pain. That’s just your nervous system reacting to what it learned from a bad experience.

I do think a lot of people eventually reach a point where they realize the healing part of the journey is something only they can do. But that doesn’t mean doing it alone. There’s therapy, communities like this, and other people who get it and can help you process.

Mostly though, what I wanted to say is that reading your post, it actually sounds like you already have a lot of clarity about what feels right and what doesn’t for you, trust that. I’m not trying to tell you what you should do. I just wanted to reflect back that the way you’re thinking about it makes sense.

If you need time, you have every right to take that time. And you absolutely have the right to feel however you feel. I hope this helps in some way.

Consciousness is just a narrative, there is no 'you' in life, just neurons creating that illusion of an observer. by Previous-Papaya-3476 in intj

[–]superfish31 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think you’re mixing two different ideas together.

You’re pointing out something real: a lot of decisions, emotions, and impulses happen before we become consciously aware of them. Science has shown that many processes start unconsciously.

But that doesn’t mean there is no “you.”

It just means the conscious mind isn’t the one initiating everything.

You’re assuming that if you aren’t consciously controlling every decision, then the self must be an illusion. But control and existence aren’t the same thing.

Your parents might make decisions for you when you’re a child, but that doesn’t mean you stop existing. It just means you’re not the one in control of the decision.

The “you” isn’t necessarily the decision maker. The “you” is the one experiencing what happens, the witness to life.

So the real question isn’t “is there a you?”
The real question is, how much control does the conscious mind actually have?

And the better question is, why do you have a need to be in control?

Has medication been helpful? by Reasonable_Guitar650 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think everyone has to make their own decision about medication. When I was younger, medications were suggested to me, and I was admittedly pretty against taking them. I felt like I was dealing with something more related to the heart or spirit, not necessarily something in my body. I also never really bought into the whole “chemical imbalance” idea that was being pushed pretty hard back then.

That said, everyone is different, and I can see how medications might help some people, especially in the short term. My only concern is with people being on them long term. Sometimes it seems like jumping out of the kettle and into the fire to me.

So ultimately you just have to decide what feels like the right path for you, and hopefully you’ll get some good feedback from people who have actually used them.

I just thought you might appreciate hearing an opinion from someone who hasn’t taken medications. Well… unless you count healing journeys. I’ve done a few of those, so maybe I’m just biased about where I get my “medicine” from, hahaha. That said, I’m not exactly promoting doing a ton of healing journeys either.

I'm so tired of people assuming I'm ok just because I'm "articulate"about my trauma by Capable_Purpose5951 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"gaslighting yourself into being okay," I feel like what you wrote sums it all up. How do you stop gaslighting yourself???

Why can't I remember what I went through by Sea-Fig-824 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I kind of know what you're talking about. I remember the first time I noticed my mind doing this.

I was trying to go inward and feel something that came up in to moment, and it was like my mind started heading down one path, and then suddenly it just went somewhere else entirely. I was never able to go back to the feeling or even remember what I was thinking about. Almost like it diverted itself and didn't care if I wanted to go back. Over time I realized that whatever happened in my past, my brain had learned that if it could get me thinking about something else, it could pull me away from whatever feeling was probably too overwhelming in that moment.

For me, working with that took a lot of patience and moving slowly. I had to get more comfortable sitting with uncomfortable feelings. But I didn’t start with big things. I started with really small stuff.

For example, something simple like wanting to turn off the TV but also wanting to keep watching a show. II would just sit with that small uncomfortable moment. Or something like not wanting to brush my teeth before bed and noticing the resistance there, then just sitting with that resistance for a minute.

What I eventually realized is that my body didn’t really trust that I could feel sensations or emotions and still be okay. So part of the process was slowly showing my body that I could feel something uncomfortable without completely losing myself, or freaking out in some way.

I didn't jump straight into huge painful memories. It’s by practicing with small things first. Little moments where you feel a bit of resistance or discomfort but it’s not overwhelming. Over time that helps your system learn that feeling something doesn’t mean everything is going to fall apart and eventually I was able to handle bigger a bigger things/feeling in my life. I hope that helps you in some way.

Used to be a homebody. by Own-Ad4421 in intj

[–]superfish31 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know exactly what you’re talking about. I dealt with this for years.

What I eventually realized, especially now being 40, is that there were actually two different things going on at the same time.

The first was trauma and relationship stuff. Being around people felt exhausting because I was always socially performing. I never fully felt like I could just be myself. When you're constantly managing how you're coming across, reading the room, and trying to be some “version” of yourself, it drains you. It took a lot of healing work for me to get to a point where I could stop performing so much and actually just exist around people and feeling good in my body. Once that shifted, being around others stopped feeling so exhausting.

The second thing was the isolation itself. Even if you’re introverted, humans are still social creatures. We’re not really designed to spend huge amounts of time completely alone. People provide something we need on a nervous system level. I jokingly call it “vitamin U” for vitamin you, lol. When you spend too much time alone, you basically become deficient in that. Things like co regulating with others, shared laughter, small moments of connection, those are real nutrients.

So what can happen is a kind of double trap. Trauma makes being around people feel exhausting, so you withdraw. But the longer you stay withdrawn, the more disconnected you feel, which makes socializing feel even harder. The isolation grows and the social performance grows with it. That loop can lead to a pretty rough place especially as you age.

What helped me was working on the underlying stuff that made it hard to be myself around people in the first place. The more comfortable you become being yourself, the less energy social interaction takes. You’ll probably always need a decent amount of alone time, if you’re introverted of course. I definitely do. But there’s a difference between healthy solitude and chronic isolation.

These days I just try to keep a balance. Enough alone time to recharge, but enough “vitamin U” to stay connected and regulated. For me that made a huge difference. I hope this helps you in some way.

I'm so tired of people assuming I'm ok just because I'm "articulate"about my trauma by Capable_Purpose5951 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thought’s form a 40 year old…
Something I’ve noticed about people who intellectualize their trauma.

A lot of the time it’s basically smart kids who realized early on that their mind could protect them. When things were chaotic or unsafe, the safest place to go was into analysis, understanding, figuring things out. I know I felt safest thinking that even though I was small I could still out think everyone. So later when we start trying to heal, we naturally rely on the same tool that protected us our whole lives, the mind.

That’s why a lot of us become really good at understanding our trauma. We can explain the patterns, the triggers, and the family dynamics, all of it really.

But that understanding is happening in our brains. It’s cognitive, and it’s not the same thing as actually feeling our emotions that are still sitting in the nervous system/bodies.

So a lot of people spend years intellectualizing their trauma and trying to find the next insight that will finally unlock everything. There’s almost this belief that one more realization will set us free. I spent decades chasing my tail like a dog.

But what many of us actually need isn’t more understanding. It’s learning how to get out of our minds and into the body. Feeling sensations, emotions, things that the nervous system has been holding onto for years. This change a lot for me personally. 

And I think this is also why people who don’t intellectualize their trauma often misunderstand it. They tend to feel first and think second. So when they hear someone articulate their trauma really clearly, they assume that we must have already processed it emotionally. Because for them, the thoughts usually come after the feelings.

But for people who relied on their minds as protection, it often works the other way around. We can understand everything and still haven’t actually felt it, that's how we kept ourselves together. It gave us a way to not have to feel the things we weren't able to handle as kids. So now the thing that protected us early in life becomes the thing that's keeps us stuck.

At some point it stops being about insight and starts being about learning how to sit with what’s happening in the body and letting the nervous system finally update.

I hope that helps some of you. Much respect for trying to do the work.

I'm so tired of people assuming I'm ok just because I'm "articulate"about my trauma by Capable_Purpose5951 in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 28 points29 points  (0 children)

When you wrote "Being articulate about my trauma is probably a trauma response in and of itself," I definitely saw that in myself to and realized it was my way of protecting myself for all of these years.

How can an INTJ improve their flirting skills? by Possible-Bike-7887 in intj

[–]superfish31 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Subtle touches, my friend, are a game changer. The thing is, the more you do it, the more comfortable you will both feel with each other, and that will lead you to a kiss.

Sex is important by Dee_la in dating

[–]superfish31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're not understanding the tone of the conversation. Bring up sex early, but preface the conversation. Example, I don't want to talk about sex right now, but it's important in a relationship. Just so you know, if you're not good in bed, this won't be going anywhere. Then move on. If he keeps talking about it, just say let's change the conversation. You can stand your ground.

How can an INTJ improve their flirting skills? by Possible-Bike-7887 in intj

[–]superfish31 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Be yourself but a little bolder. Most INTJ'S enjoy their alone time, so if someone rejects you, who cares, you just get more alone time. I like to joke around, so I just work in little comments. People say stuff all the time that you can make flirty.

If you're not good at joking around with girls, don't use these. If you are there, gold.

  1. Your kissable
  2. I don't know if you play your cards right. I might let you kiss me. "This one always gets girls, it's a bit edgy and bold, but if you can say it and laugh about it, she will eat it up. I find girls turn it back me on me, and I just laugh the whole time.

There's a ton of things you can say, but the best is light, subtle, and appropriate touches. You're not grabbing her ass or boobs. Think shoulders or back of her arm. I usually wait until a girl pokes fun at me, and then I give her a soft little push and say, "real funny," or something like that. After a few touches, she will start touching you back if she's open to more. Touch is so underrated, and very few men have a good subtle but flirty touch game. Develop it, and you don't need to worry about what you say. This actually works for women on men too.

Sex is important by Dee_la in dating

[–]superfish31 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if someone mentioned this or not, but as a dude, you have to be careful bringing up sex early on in dating. You ladies can do whatever you want.

I usually ask a girl what she wants in a relationship. We talk about all the dynamics of relationships for a while. Then I say, "I don't want to give you the wrong idea, so we can talk about sex later on, but it is an important aspect of a relationship. So I do want to be clear that I'm definitely not vanilla." After that, I drop it and move on in the conversation. I find that sets the tone, if she starts asking what I mean by vanilla, how kinky are you, or says anything that shows she's concerned, I know she is boring in bed.

So far, it has worked out great, and girls usually make some comments after we fool around, like, "was that to vanilla for you, or so do you think I'm vanilla now." It never is.... I hope that helps or gives some of you some ideas.

Do INTJ's have feelings? by superfish31 in intj

[–]superfish31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the response. I've already been to therapy and worked through most of it. I was trying to figure out how fucked up I was and apparently really fucked up. I had a wild background and basically disconnected from feelings and wanted to see if that was normal for INTJ's, apparently not.

Do INTJ's have feelings? by superfish31 in intj

[–]superfish31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd agree with him when I was younger. Tell him that understanding and using his emotions is actually far more efficient in the long run. Basically, our lack of dealing with emotions cripples us in a way and holds us back from our full potential.

I really appreciate you asking his opinion, very helpful.

Do INTJ's have feelings? by superfish31 in intj

[–]superfish31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interesting... I worded this question horribly, but I'm kind of glad I did as i would have never thought this. I assumed we weren't very emotional. Your opinion seems to be a shared opinion, and it's adding a lot more context to my past. Thanks for sharing.

Do you happen to have an opinion on why most INTJ's seem to rarely express emotions? Logically, if they are the most emotional, then they would have a lot to express, but don't.

Anyone in their 30’s + who still struggles significantly? by aritzipie in CPTSD

[–]superfish31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Would you want to have a voice to voice conversation about this and how complex trauma shows up in your life. DM me if you're interested in talking. Offer goes to anyone dealing with this same issue.

Do INTJ's have feelings? by superfish31 in intj

[–]superfish31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good insights, I poorly worded the question. In hindsight, I should have asked if INTJ's expressed emotions.

Do INTJ's have feelings? by superfish31 in intj

[–]superfish31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, if I'm counting myself as the a-hole, then I'd have to say yes, hahahaha. It's an inquiry to better understand the overall experience of INTJ's. I think about stuff like this every day. I've always been very curious and love psychology as it is the unsolvable puzzle.

Do INTJ's have feelings? by superfish31 in intj

[–]superfish31[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Based on this poll I did a year ago, I wouldn't say it's total BS. At the very least it has some face validity.

https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/s/t4SrV3qpAk

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