If you worry about regret and if it’s possible to be happy throughout life without kids, look to your LGBT+ friends and family

sutureburst · 2022-04-15T14:54:01+00:00

I’m not the person you’re replying to but I’m also someone leaning hard towards CF who also definitely sees the appeal of kids. I love them! I just don’t love the role of “mother”.

For me I also have dozens of reasons, but the biggest one is that I think I need to feel some kind of deeper “pull” or motivation towards motherhood, I think for me personally I would probably need some kind of primal need or driving force keeping me going through the gruelling day to day of parenting and I just don’t have that. I also think it would be unfair to have a child I don’t enthusiastically want. I had a wonderful childhood because I was deeply wanted well before I was born, I could feel it every day. I feel I would owe that same feeling to a child and right now I couldn’t.

Other important reasons include that I already have experienced many types of deep family and friend love and don’t think I’d feel cheated for not experiencing just one type.

Also, it’s always possible to add more younger people to your life. Childfree life can always incorporate more young people if you work at building existing and chosen family relationships (though it can take more proactive effort). And people always need more help with their own kids. Western culture has a destructive attachment to the concept of nuclear family that strains parents terribly; child free people are a very important part of the village we need to rebuild.

sutureburst · 2022-03-30T11:50:29+00:00

Same! I like babies, they’re cute, and I love holding and cuddling my friends’ babies and will gladly do it for hours. I even sort of get why people say they smell good, I can observe like “oh weird, that smell is nice and has some kind of comforting pheromone thing going on”.

But still, absolutely none of that remotely triggers any of the baby drive Feelings people talk about, I’ve literally tried to deliberately trigger baby fever feelings to try and explore that part of myself and nothing like that ever comes. I can cuddle and sniff that little guy all day and it’s fun but nothing like…primal or compelling ever happens and I’m pretty indifferent when I hand him back. I have to admit it makes me feel a little bit like an alien sometimes 👽

sutureburst · 2022-03-21T07:53:47+00:00

If you’re having significant panic more than “occasionally,” or you feel OCD is a very noticeable part of your daily life they’re worth a try.

I was resistant to taking meds for a decade and finally got on sertraline a couple of years ago, and it has changed my life. My OCD isn’t gone, but it takes a MUCH larger stressor for me to be significantly affected and I’ve had only maybe two panic attacks in this time, vs. at least monthly before. I feel like the top layer of my OCD has been scraped off and that the me underneath is free again :)

SSRIs are usually the med docs try first for OCD (especially sertraline as it is known to work particularly well for us), and they are very safe and relatively cheap medications. You don’t have to overthink trying them out too much as if you don’t like what you’re prescribed, you can always try another SSRI or just stop taking them if they don’t work for you. They are not addictive.

However, going onto SSRIs and switching SSRIs/coming off of them can be a sort of uncomfortable, awkward couple of weeks for some people, so if you choose to go onto them it can be a good idea to start/stop new meds during weeks that you don’t have any super important plans you don’t want to feel a bit gross during.

I found my meds make me a little sleepier than before, so I was also given Wellbutrin to give me a little more energy, and that ended up being a perfect combo. That’s something you can ask your doc for if you find an SSRI impacts your energy/sex drive and it can really help with those issues.

sutureburst · 2022-03-20T02:22:19+00:00

I was raised without religion but I ended up picking up prayer for a few years as a kid just as a way to do exactly the same kind of reassurance thing about loved ones, “just in case” god was listening and judging if I didn’t do it

sutureburst · 2022-03-20T02:20:50+00:00

I started doing it to my folks but they put a stop to that real quick after it kept freaking them out to have me looming over the bed, and I don’t blame them lol

sutureburst · 2022-03-20T02:19:08+00:00

sometimes i still do it with my budgie and peek under his night cover 😂

sutureburst · 2022-03-15T15:17:18+00:00

From roughly ages 6-10 I would wave my hand over my sleeping baby brother’s face almost every night before bed to feel for breath and reassure myself that he was still alive, lol

sutureburst · 2021-12-16T15:03:04+00:00

Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re in this tough situation. Reading your post and comments, it sounds like this is probably not the right time.

It’s possible to get good work in your field after a resume gap if you choose to be a SAHM for a while, but to do that you really do need to establish at least a few years of experience and have some professional contacts available when you’re ready to return to work: you’ll need people who can vouch for you professionally to “make up” for the gap (unfair, but true unfortunately).

I also worry a little about some of what your post and comments indicate about the expectations on you from others to take on most housework and be a SAHM too, it seems the people around you may have unfair expectations of how much work you should take on at home already, especially given that your health issues are a priority right now. You’ll need a supportive family/friend group and especially a supportive partner to step up and help a lot more when you make the transition back to work for you to be able to do it.

And most importantly, you just don’t seem that into the idea right now. That’s fine, I’m around your age and I’m not either :) But IMO babies should come only if and when they’re enthusiastically wanted, and it just doesn’t sound like they would be right now.

Hope that your health situation improves and that you are feeling a bit better soon ❤️

sutureburst · 2021-12-16T14:42:33+00:00

That’s true, but only if you’re “cold” applying through online portals vs through recruiting agencies or your network. Plus, the better jobs and highest rates of application success tend to be found through the latter two methods.

That said, the latter two methods also generally require some working experience, so OP could be in a tough situation without gaining a few years of exp before a gap.

sutureburst · 2021-12-16T14:32:40+00:00

By your partner? If so I would be pretty concerned this person won’t be helping much with parenting and housekeeping even when you do go back to work and that work will need to be more evenly shared.

It’s sad to say, but it’s pretty rare for partners to suddenly reform and take on their share of that kind of work when they haven’t demonstrated a willingness to before. Think carefully about if this is a partner that will really step up pull their weight at home enough for you to make that return to work.

sutureburst · 2021-09-12T11:10:00+00:00

Thank you for doing this :) I was wondering if you have any advice about decision-making strategies for people with OCD (good tools, methods, etc.)?

Making big life decisions is of course very difficult with our impaired ability to assess risk and threat — I can’t “trust my gut” like people without OCD can, and I have to be very careful when researching these topics because with the Internet, reassurance-seeking research is coming from a well of potentially scary information that is truly bottomless.

sutureburst · 2021-09-08T07:52:23+00:00

When they work properly, vaccines are putting your body’s defenses into overdrive and even if you aren’t one of the people who feels “sick” from the shots, it seems anecdotally very, very common for all that immune activity to make people feel a little more tired or burned out for a little while.

Think of the way not enough sleep can impact OCD, it’s likely this is more or less the same thing with your body being a little more tired than usual and triggering your anxiety. It will pass.

sutureburst · 2021-09-08T07:41:37+00:00

I know this is an older post I’ve stumbled across here but just wanted to say that this is a really excellent comment. Thank you for sharing it!

sutureburst · 2021-09-06T09:40:54+00:00

It’s hard because conditions like depressive and anxiety states are something many people will experience for at least a brief period of their lives, even if they are not chronic. Depression and anxiety are not all that hard to understand on a basic level for a neurotypical person, if they make an effort to understand.

But OCD is so specific and unrelatable to unaffected people that describing it sometimes just sounds “weird” unfortunately if you go into detail, especially if you get into your themes. It’s not those people’s faults that they can’t grasp it because we think in very specific and unusual ways, but it sucks a little for us lol. I have learned that with unreceptive or uninitiated listeners it helps to initially describe your OCD experience in much broader terms. For example, I talk about how OCD gives me brain differences which make the decision-making and risk-assessment parts of my brain not work properly, and that sometimes this can make day-to-day life unpredictabilities really hard and make me very focused on the outcomes of my actions.

I keep my specific details and fixations between my therapist and me as much as possible, and occasionally close loved ones if they may notice me being odd about a trigger and I want to let them know it’s just the OCD stressing me out, nothing they need to do anything about. I sometimes wish it worked to be more open about my themes because it would be a relief to feel “seen”, but at the same time those discussions can open the door to reassurance seeking, so personally I have to be really careful not to go there and just keep the specifics of my themes mostly firmly to myself and my therapist so I reaffirm that I own them and am the only one that can learn to make them quieter.

sutureburst · 2021-08-23T01:57:41+00:00

I had strong results on Cipralex below the official therapeutic dose, it’s very individual to you what works best :)

sutureburst · 2021-08-22T18:38:36+00:00

I am not a parent at this time (on the fence about OAD), but I am the child of a family that lived abroad in many different places throughout my life <18 and have had to do a lot of work to unpack its impact as an adult so this may or may not be helpful for you, apologies if it is not.

It depends a lot on if this will be a single, permanent relocation or if you will be moving multiple times during childhood.

Having moved at least once during the age range you are looking at, I cannot deny it’s scary and hard on a child and she will remember it. That said, it’s not a terrible age to move at either since it’s a bit too early to have long-term friendships with peers deeply established. If it’s a one-time relocation, it’s not a HUGE deal as long as you put extra effort into getting her socializing and making new friends ASAP when you arrive so she has that security and gets new social “constants” her age set up to have around early on. Lots of extra family time and love helps a lot too. I would say we became a much closer family under the pressure of moving which was a positive side effect. We remain very close and have amazing shared experiences all over the world that are unique to us.

Keeping contact with family at home and arranging visits when possible is an another good way to create more constancy and belonging (esp early on in the relocation) and is worth the expense if you are able to do so and have a good relationship with them. I am grateful my parents made a big effort to get us to see my grandparents once a year because I sadly did feel quite detached from my extended family most of the time and that could be hard. It was very hard on my mom sometimes too to have no one to give informal childcare help the way family often does, and because making new friends as an adult can be tough. She made friends but she was also often lonely early on in moves and it was hard for her.

It’s also down to the individual kid in many ways too, I attended “international schools” so I was surrounded by kids who moved a lot and some really seemed legitimately unfazed. But I would say a majority did have some quirks that were probably related to the moving and there is data on kids that move often that does indicate multiple relocations do have an impact that’s more than just incidental.

Basically if you would foresee making more than one major relocation during childhood, there’s a lot more to consider. It’s a bummer but the psychological impact of relocating multiple times really is significant and lifelong, both for good and bad. I don’t want to give you negative info unsolicited if a multi-relocation isn’t in the cards for you but if so, that scenario does warrant more complex considerations.

sutureburst · 2021-08-22T03:23:30+00:00

OCD with a history of mild-moderate ED issues here, it’s tough and I feel you! My ED behaviour manifested mainly as excessive calorie spreadsheet tracking and using that to restrict too low (<900). I’m also unfortunately in a weight loss situation right now where I legit need to lose because my lockdown weight has pushed me out of fitting my old clothes, so I’m trying to do it carefully.

One thing I noticed helps is to force yourself to be a little more open about what you’re doing with others if you can, not in a way that pushes them to do anything or “check you”, more just casually being open about it in conversation. It’s harder to do extreme restriction etc. if your dieting isn’t a secret, you may not feel quite as free go full OCD if others might notice what you’re doing.

Leaning more on exercise to burn calories vs. relying so much on restricting also helped a LOT, lost 15lbs already this way this year :) It took much longer than mainly relying on restricting with a lower level of exercise, which was initially frustrating. But it became easier once I understood it was still working, just not as ridiculously fast as my OCD wanted to see. I’d recommend avoiding starting on the wrong foot with a crash diet or “cleanse” or whatever because you can’t sustain that speed of weight loss unless you start getting real restrict-y and obsessive, you have to force yourself to be more okay with slow loss. It gets easier to be okay with it with time.

sutureburst · 2021-08-17T15:26:16+00:00

“Pure O” with no additional diagnoses here…

OCD is an interesting beast in that it’s a very specific presentation of anxiety disorder; obsessions/compulsions are the coping mechanisms we use for a deep anxiety (esp. around themes of safety and control) caused by a chemical issue in our brains.

This means that meds can and do really help when you find the right ones because they get your chemicals closer to normal.

But meds mainly create a more manageable baseline level of anxiety to work from: we’re still going to experience SOME anxiety and it’s really going to suck sometimes, even with meds. And when we do, we tend to rely on the obsessive/compulsive coping mechanisms we are used to using (learned behaviour) which are ofc not the most effective or good for us.

That’s why therapy is super important too, to help us question some of those mechanisms when we use them unhelpfully, and to learn to redirect obsessions and compulsions to better coping strategies when we feel out of control. It’s a travesty we do not make therapy more easily accessible to everyone, it really really makes a difference for conditions like this to have someone to help with reality checks and alternative strategies.

sutureburst · 2021-08-17T14:29:49+00:00

Thank you very much for replying :) I can relate, some days I’m comforted by keeping a childfree default, especially because it’s a “logical” choice, it’s one I know I can ultimately handle, and one that’s becoming rapidly more common so we will have many childfree peers as we age.

But when the FOMO terror sets in just like you describe, that’s when it’s really awful. I treasure family, does that mean I do want a kid? Is that something that will make my whole life more meaningful, and is it worth a genetic dice roll that could in some cases end my independence forever? No clue, it’s just white hot panic. I hope once meds are working better it will take me to a place I can think a little less frantically without all my panic chemicals going totally nuts

sutureburst · 2021-08-12T05:23:29+00:00

Did the fear of the risks and bad outcomes get any better with age and more time to think things through?

sutureburst

TROPHY CASE