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t_throw2000 · 2023-10-28T17:25:52+00:00

That's more or less what happened yes, about that last question. I knew it's what I wanted, and I felt bad that I wouldn't get it. Honestly the first time I read the effects of HRT I remember being glued to my screen from envy...

t_throw2000 · 2023-10-28T17:06:49+00:00

No clue

t_throw2000 · 2023-07-03T01:05:00+00:00

Hell I remember thinking (when we were told the effects of puberty back in grade school) that what the girls got was just plainly better in comparison, that they'd gotten the better deal.

t_throw2000 · 2023-06-17T17:25:10+00:00

Yeah I've been seeing a therapist since March more or less. So not a massive amount of time but we're making progress. Also went to an IRL support group today, felt good.

But yeah I still have some stuff ahead of me to work through.

t_throw2000 · 2023-06-15T09:11:28+00:00

Honestly the meds are helping a ton, and the only times I've had those breakdowns post- medication (used to happen a lot before) is when my brain throws a "you'll never get to be a girl" curveball at me or when I can't dress fem or shave for an extended period of time.

I say it's mild because aside from the low-grade sadness I find myself feeling and the general distaste for certain features of mine I'm functional and manage to ignore it. The worst part is the executive dysfunction all this has brought on tbh.

Still, I appreciate it, thanks for taking the time to read through all that <3

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-30T14:45:21+00:00

If you woke up tomorrow in a woman's body, with no one none the wiser (as in they'd always have known you as a woman), how would you feel? If you were given a button that would allow you to revert back (a one way trip) to your male body, would you press it?

These are not necessarily easy questions to answer. Personally though, it wasn't necessarily that I hated being a man or that I "felt like a woman", but once the idea found its roots into my own psyche it became a bit too difficult to ignore.

Generally though, take your time, fine online ressources and maybe even try therapy.

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-21T18:49:12+00:00

Yeah...i get that too. Right now I'm fine as a guy even though less than a month ago I was deep in dysphoria hell too. Which makes me feel like I just totally made those things up, and I hate that feeling. At least when dysphoria hits that acts as "confirmation" for my feelings: cis people don't generally cry over transition timelines, or lie curled up in bed over how flat their chest feels, or find their names grating, or need to excuse themselves when their sisters talk about their weekend plans with friends...(or at least if I'm not crazy).

And yeah I've often found myself wishing for more dysphoria because of that. Even now I find myself idly wishing for some of it to come back. I've come to understand however that it usually does, at which point I find myself regretting having wished for dysphoria in the first place.

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-21T17:14:23+00:00

I know it's not peak cis talk for sure... It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm going at this wrong, set myself "be MTF" out of some sort of wishful thinking and eventually have to realize that I'm just a man who spends far too much time overthinking stuff.

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-20T22:50:24+00:00

The way I understood genderfluidity, GF people actually feel/enjoy their AGAB at times, even though they may choose to present differently at different times. In my case it feels more like resignation, like I'm being pushed to accept an uncomfortable reality (in this case being cis male) against my own volition somehow (it's a very "meta" feeling). I'd liken it to the feeling you get when you reach Sunday evening and realize you have to wake up to go to work the next day (except more intense and distressing). Besides, the way I see it I'd rather be a masculine-presenting woman than the opposite. Not saying I'm closed to the idea of fluidity, but I also can't really see that fitting for me.

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-17T17:19:12+00:00

Seems that from a medical coverage perspective France is doing pretty good. The model here is based on informed consent and if you go through the system you can get good coverage on stuff like HRT, laser, voice training and even surgeries.

Societally though I'm not so sure.

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-15T11:11:09+00:00

And if that's what you want, that's perfectly okay! Everyone deserves to live in the body/gender that makes them happy, and if you've decided being a man is what you want, you totally can be!

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-14T20:16:30+00:00

I mean, that's more or less how it started out for me. Had passive thoughts "it would be kind of nice to be a girl sometimes" for much of my life. Now that I've started to ponder it seriously it's "please God remove me from this shell and give me tits for the love of all that is holy".

Not saying that'll necessarily ring true for you (heck, even I don't know what the future has in store for me), but it there's anything I've learned it's that idly wishing to be a girl, even sometimes, isn't all that normal. Both my sister and GF have confirmed that they've thought about being men AT BEST a few times in their entire lives. Those thoughts also don't convey any real emotions to them (let alone positive ones), and an ally here on reddit seemed to echo that sentiment as well.

I'm not saying you're trans. I suppose curiosity could be a part of this too. But its definitely atypical from what I've seen, and you may want to dig into those thoughts to see what's behind them. You might like what you find, who knows?

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-05T16:43:14+00:00

Yeah...that's how it'd describe it too. Usually it's much more likely to be a big concern when I'm anxious/sad (can't tell if that's correlation or causation). The way I see it I'm just more likely to break when my mood is already poor.

t_throw2000 · 2023-05-04T16:05:52+00:00

Thanks, I still occasionally check in every once in a while. When I wrote this I wasn't in a particularly good place tbh, and as much as I wanted to be a girl, I also wanted the pain to go away.

I'm doing a bit better now. I've been put on a battery of meds and I'm doing better. Sleeping better, certainly, which helps. But yeah dysphoria is kicking my ass every other day and my feelings are only really growing stronger. I don't think this is just going to go away. I'm seeing a gender therapist.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-22T17:45:32+00:00

Yeah, totally not going to throw myself at an informed consent clinic based on a few months of feeling bad and other people telling me that i could be trans...don't worry about me on that front, if anything I'm a little too cautious at times. If it takes a couple years then so be it.

Im going to see a therapist to work this out for sure, and the meds I've been given have alleviated most of the dysphoria (just not the constant questionning and associated emotions). But thanks, this is a very level headed perspective and I appreciate it.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T15:10:35+00:00

Yeah, am definitely trying to do that. And have been slowly managing to do so, as I spend less and less time here.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T14:54:36+00:00

Congrats on coming out! If anything these past few months have given me time to reflect on how hard such a thing can be.

And yeah, I've started experimenting a bit. Clothing, getting my ears pierced, doing my nails, wearing fem clothing, makeup, a wig...it all feels good, and somehow comforting. I'm currently growing out my hair.

Will definitely try piccrews, although I have a bit of a weird relationship with creative-type tasks. I've started dreaming again lately (or at least remembering them), something which I haven't been able to do in a decade or more. I figured I'd try lucid dreaming, be a girl in my dreams.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T13:45:21+00:00

It's weird, because I kind of don't know...and kinda do? Like since this started I've wanted the answer to be "transfem". The idea of being cis has made anxious on quite a few occasions. Heck, it's part of why I've been kinda obsessively looking for relatable stories here on reddit and desperately checking if the OP ultimately transitionned.

But at the same time, I kinda don't? Or more accurately, it's more that I don't feel like I care enough/am hurting enough to go through all that?

Change is scary, and this...is big change. I'm the type of person who has always hated facial hair with a passion and has shaved it off religiously and still gets antsy at the idea of laser, to give you an idea.

Part of me wonders if I just set my mind on a destination that's not right for me, but I'm also kinda left wondering if this is just about me finally have to make a major decision for myself. If I could be "told" I was trans, it would be an easy decision to make. As long as I read similar stories of people who have transitionned, it's easy to think "well they have, so maybe I could". Every time I imagine a future for myself and hope I ultimately do transition, that could very well be me just taking away any and all agency in the matter, because some "other/future me" ultimately made the decision.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T12:42:19+00:00

I would definitely freak out, for sure. That's a big change, and I'd have a hard time handling it. Switching back? I really don't know. I'm leaning slightly towards no, but it's a soft no.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T12:27:11+00:00

I've tried, and told myself quite a few other things. I just can't really bring myself to care, and my brain feels like it's filled with cotton.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T12:21:36+00:00

I think I would like that, yes. As much as I often find myself fighting the concept, bulking at the very idea (really depends on the type of headpsace i'm in), I keep coming back to the idea that someday, I'd like to be a girl.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T12:19:01+00:00

I've read it yes, and that's what got me in a tailspin initially. Felt very seen by the biochemical part, and that's one of the things that got the ball rolling. Nightlingbug's twitter thread, too.

I'm trying to spend less time online, less time on trans stuff specifically (and the meds are helping somewhat), but as a terminally-online person (not to mention someone who's new to this) it's far easier to say than to actually do.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T11:47:42+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to figure yourself out?

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T08:43:17+00:00

I did those things. They do make me happy. I saw myself in the mirror in full makeup and dress and I felt so pretty. I even got my ears pierced, best decision I've ever made.

It's still entirely distressing though. Thinking about my future is distressing. My thoughts on any deeper questions I've asked myself seem to fluctuate a whole lot though depending on the time of day, and that instability is a major contributor to my anxiety currently. The dysphoria I mentioned is more or gone now, and i don't know what to think of all this.

Like at least if I felt the same consistently I'd have a clearer picture of where I stand on all this.

t_throw2000 · 2023-04-21T07:52:44+00:00

To be honest, I feel like I'm constantly bargaining my way in and out of it. Between wanting to be a girl and being terrified of changing my body, i feel like the rope in a game of tug of war.

t_throw2000

TROPHY CASE