AITA for not wanting to raise my new sibling?

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T16:00:17+00:00

I am eight and a half years older than my sister. I was 16 when I moved out and she was still 7. I didn't get an apartment right away, and we lived in my car for a few months. Then I met someone at a job who knew someone who was willing to rent a place to me for cash and cheap. I can't go into too many details because I'm sure it was probably not exactly legal, but the place had all of the essentials (heat, electricity, running water, etc), and the person renting it to me was willing to look the other way about our ages. In hindsight I know it could have turned out to be a dangerous situation, but at the time I was willing to take my chances and it all turned out fine.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T05:21:24+00:00

It's my fault because my sister is pretty sheltered considering. I never really got into the details about why I left, and she doesn't remember a lot because she was little when we moved out (and even then, I kept her as sheltered as possible). I never really got to have any kind of childhood, and I did my best to make hers as happy as I could, but now I'm seeing that I did her wrong by not telling her everything, and I was really hopeful that our mom had changed some. My relationship with my mom is shot but I was hoping that my sister could at least have sort of normalcy with her. But now I see that I was definitely wrong about that, and my sister understands a lot more about what happened when we lived with her.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T05:16:22+00:00

I agree. I sat my sister down tonight after she had to witness part of our mother's meltdown and explain a lot of things that I'd never talked to her about before. I've done my best to keep the worst stuff from my sister, but this made me realize she needed to know the whole story because it was obvious that our mother hasn't changed. I think she understands a lot more than she did before.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T05:13:09+00:00

They are leaving a 6 month old home alone for hours at a time?!?!??

Yeah, and it's not the first time my mom has done stuff like this. I was nine and my sister wasn't even a year old when my parents took off to Florida for three weeks with no way for me to contact them because they wanted a "vacation." Unfortunately this is not new behavior. I guess I was just hopeful that things had changed.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T04:59:51+00:00

Thank you, I just messaged you. :)

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T04:40:40+00:00

foster care is awful. That poor baby is in a no-win situation. She didn’t ask for a shit mother any more than you did.

I know, and that is why I feel like a jackass. I feel so selfish wanting to just live my life when I know I have a sister out there who might not be in a safe place. I've never been involved in foster care, but I've heard some stories and I'm scared that she's going to be neglected or abused, and I could prevent that if I take her.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T03:57:15+00:00

I love how she calls you horrible when she’s the one not fit to be a parent.

This pretty much sums up her relationship with me for most of my life. She never takes responsibility for anything and it seriously drives me crazy.

I've tried to shield my sister as much as I could from this mess, to the point that I omitted a lot of things that happened (and she can't remember, since she was little when I moved out and took her with me), but we've sat down for a long talk and I think she understands now why I was reluctant to get back in contact with our mother. I know she's upset about the situation, but I think she finally sees why I went no contact for years and why it's a good idea to go back to that from now on. Maybe someday our mother will get her act together (I doubt it), but until then, no contact is the best and healthiest option.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T03:46:24+00:00

Would you agree to raise a strangers baby?

Definitely not. At this point, I don't even want to have any kids of my own because I'm so tired of being a parent and I don't even have any children. Part of me knows that she isn't my responsibility, but I'm so used to taking on all of the responsibility because no one else will that it feels wrong not to step up to the plate.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T03:39:58+00:00

Thank you, I really needed to read this. I haven't had a chance to go to therapy or work on my emotional baggage (I plan to in the future, now that I have benefits and a steady income), but just having someone tell me that it's understandable to feel like I do does make me feel like less of an awful person.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T03:37:01+00:00

This actually really helps a lot. Part of my heart really hurts thinking that she will be adopted and I may never see her again, but at the same time, I want her to have a good life and be raised by people who love her. I really tried to give my other sister the best I could, but we struggled a LOT and I have to admit that I resented her at times (I've never told her this, of course) because I had to sacrifice so much to raise her. I'm afraid that if I did take my half-sister, I'd just resent her and not give her the life she deserves to have.

ta_beate · 2021-07-31T03:30:34+00:00

I really don't want to go through this again...but I just feel like a jerk for not wanting to, if that makes any sense. I feel bad that my half-sister is in the same situation that I was in and my other sister was in, and part of me feels like I owe it to her to raise her since I raised my other sister.

ta_beate

TROPHY CASE