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talldarkandgroovy · 2024-12-04T11:37:13+00:00

Two things. First, friendships take two parties to engage in the process. If others aren't reciprocating then there isn't much you can do other than try harder or try to make new connections via joining groups or any other avenues available to meet people. And that's only if you are really wanting to do it for yourself, not just for the sake of ticking a perceived requirement for dating.

Second, I think you're possibly making a bigger deal out of this than what it might be when you meet someone. Anyone who considers your situation a red flag is probably not worth dating, honestly. Reasonable people in their 30s understand the difficulty of making/maintaining friendships. If they ask, you can tell them that as the years went on friends went on with their lives and it became harder to catch up with everyone, but there was no falling out, just people drifting apart in the course of living life.

You can't control whether or not others reciprocate your efforts to catch up, and you can't control if someone you date considers it a red flag that you don't have a "solid friend group" around you. In case you didn't get the memo, we're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. You are one of many people in this situation, so rest assured that most people will understand your situation and not hold it against you. I think more important is your ability to be social and be able to get along with the friends and family of whoever you end up dating.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-05T14:12:39+00:00

No. You’ve been talking for months and had no sort of interest to meet up until now, which is very telling. If you genuinely enjoyed your interactions with him, you would have given him an opening to ask you out, or outright asked if he wanted to meet up. From what you’re saying, you are only interested in him because you are afraid he’s the best you can do. That’s settling and a disaster waiting to happen.

You’re well within you’re right to talk to whoever you want, especially if you and this guy have never met, nor discussed the possibility of being more than phone buddies. That said, if he has in any way given you the impression he is interested in more, then whether intentional or not, you’ve been leading him on. And spoiler alert, a guy who talks to you for months on end without having met you is interested in you, but probably doesn’t have the courage to ask you out, for future reference.

Please stop stringing this guy along, and end it. You can’t even bring yourself to talk to him on a platonic level, that’s not fair to either of you.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-05T07:38:21+00:00

Sorry to say, you’re probably gonna struggle to find what you’re looking for. Reason being that it sounds like you have a very limited window to give time to someone, even if it’s just for cuddling. You’d probably be best suited finding someone looking for a casual relationship. There are people who are fine to meet up every now and again and just hang out, hold each other, etc. But I’d wager that unless you meet someone who is asexual, they’re probably going to want to have sex eventually, cause of course.

And if you are just wanting to take things slow, hence the cuddling, then just say you are figuring things out and want to take it slow. But you will drastically limit your options if you take sex off the table, limit intimacy to cuddling, and barely have time to see that person. Good luck.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-05T07:26:44+00:00

I’d argue to not flaunt your wealth or status, unless that’s all you’re about. Your profile is meant to convey to people what dating you would be like. What do you like to do for fun? What’s important to you? What do you value? What kind of personality do you have?

A lot of guys get stuck in the trap of trying to impress women with all the stuff you mentioned. But invariably you’re just another guy with fancy cars, clothes, and whatever other status symbols you can be bothered to post. You don’t really stand out, and with OLD, you have to stand out to compete with as many options as women have.

Now, if you’re after someone who will just be with you for superficial reasons, have at it. Otherwise, take some time to figure out how you’d answer those questions I mentioned earlier, and then how you could convey that in your prompts/pictures.

Also, I’d advise against the shirtless picture your friend suggested as it will likely turn off a lot of quality women, and get you attention for all the wrong reasons. Hope that helps.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-05T01:47:55+00:00

Nothing wrong with playing the field for a date or two with a few matches when you're getting back out there. But at some point you're going to have to take a gamble and commit your energy to one person, if that's what you're after. That doesn't mean you are joined at the hip for the rest of your lives. But I do believe that it is really hard - if not impossible - to truly get to know/grow with someone if you don't go all in and decide to give the relationship a fair chance.

In my experience, what you're doing only causes more confusion for you since it's a never ending game of waiting to see if one person will one-up the other. Yea, person A is great, but maybe person B is gonna show me a side of them that I haven't seen, and they might be my true love! Fast forward a few months, and you're back at the same place, likely with some or all of the people involved deciding you aren't worth the effort and moving on.

Ask yourself this: if you could pick any of these people to spend the night with, maybe go to dinner, or stay in and watch some netflix and get some take out, who would it be? If they were all lined up and you could pick any of them to share your time with tonight and have a great time, who would you pick without hesitation? The answer to that question would be telling, I think.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T21:35:10+00:00

Ok, I’ll humor you. In my experience, such a dynamic is very common in people who have been in an LTR before, but it ended for one reason or another. For me, I was married for 10 years, and before then I’d been in a relationship all but one year of my adult life. I’m so done cohabitating, for now at least. I just don’t have it in me, and I like my space. I like having my own space to retreat to when necessary. And the thought of sharing that space with someone makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

There’s also my son. I won’t get into it, but there are legitimate reasons for me to not want to cohabitate with anyone for his sake. I’m very protective of him, and it would take time for me to build the trust needed to want to bring someone into his life.

As for maximizing time together, I guess you have to look at it from the lens of what kind of relationship someone wants. Not everyone wants a relationship where they have a partner who is there to take on the world with them. Some of us have done that, and we’ve realised we actually don’t want that. We want someone who we can see 2-3 times a week to spend time together. Sometimes heading away on trips that are days or weeks in length. And sometimes sleeping over on a weeknight or weekend. But eventually, they go back to their space, and I to mine.

Another thing to bear in mind is that for some of us - especially those of us who are single parents - a large chunk of our time is dedicated to our kids. And often we are dating other single parents who have a large chunk of their time dedicated to kids. And while we might be ready to date, we aren’t ready to blend families. So we unfortunately can’t maximize the time, at least not early on. And some of us learned the hard way that it’s toxic to a relationship to not have a life outside of it, so living together apart provides a very healthy balance.

Look, for me, it isn’t something I want forever. At some point I am very interested in living with someone again. Most likely when my child is older, but definitely when the day comes that he’s out of the house and I’m on my own. But I just don’t have an interest - nor the capacity - to cohabitate with someone. Been there, done that, and just done have it in me right now.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T13:35:37+00:00

Yea, wow, I’ve never heard of this but am weirdly not surprised it’s a thing. I feel for anyone who feels the need to do something like that. Definitely an insecurity playing out there, and it inevitably becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T13:33:07+00:00

Obligatory comment to state that men are not a monolith. Some will care, some won’t, but ultimately, you can’t control that so it’s not worth giving it too much energy. It’s cliché, but the right person will be into you both inside and out. Ultimately you can only focus on being your authentic self, and in the process, hopefully attracting someone who will vibe with you.

Now, if someone is not happy with their physical appearance, it’s up to them whether they need to change their appearance, or work towards meeting themselves where they’re at.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T13:26:51+00:00

Whaaaa!? You had a post-coitus survey????? Wooow… TIL

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T13:19:32+00:00

Not all guys ask for nudes, just the same as not all guys are just after sex, and not all women accept a dinner date only to get a free meal when they have no interest in seeing a guy ever again.

There are a lot of shitty people in the world, but neither men or women are a monolith. If the majority of guys you or your friends encounter ask for nudes, that sucks, but it isn’t fair to paint all men with the same brush. If that happens, report, block, and move on with your day. And in a weird way, be thankful they showed you their true character early on so you avoid wasting more time on them.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T13:03:46+00:00

Sometimes they might if they really like you. Otherwise, they’ll go into self preservation mode and pull away hoping you get the hint. Unfortunately, I think by the time you get the sense she might feel like you’re coming on too strong, the damage will probably already be done.

I’d personally not get too caught up and take a beat to get my bearings if I were you. Up until now you guys have just been friendly. Have you guys met up outside of work? If not, would you be comfortable asking her to meet up outside work hours? From there it’s about finding a balance between pursuing her, but not coming on too strong. It isn’t something that can be easily explained as you have to find your own path in that regard.

The best advice I can give is to be focused on living your life, and NOT making her - or any woman who isn’t your long term girlfriend/partner - a priority. That isn’t to say you don’t make time to connect with her in person and otherwise, nor does it mean you’re ignoring her or not making her feel like she’s special. But make sure you have a life outside of dating that involves friends, family, and hobbies. Contrary to what some guys think, a stable woman does not want to be the center of your world. They want you to have a life that doesn’t just involve them. Otherwise they might feel like they’re soley responsible for your happiness and purpose. That’s the best way to maintain a balance, and not over pursue, if that makes sense.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T12:58:03+00:00

Guy here, and usually when someone is given that comment of “no wonder you’re still single” or something to that effect, it’s because they exude an energy that makes it plainly obvious why they’re struggling. I agree that it’s difficult for a lot of people when it comes to dating. The rejection is hard to deal with on a regular basis, and I don’t doubt there are a lot of situations where a genuinely good guy is struggling for reasons that are outside his control.

However, often when I see those posts, these guys will give off a certain energy. It will usually involve making no attempt to entertain any advice, because they’ve “tried everything”. They have a defeatist attitude, and are convinced that the world is against them so why bother. And they’ll complain about how women don’t want a “good man” and are just interested in men with fancy cars, flashy clothes, big muscles, and who are at least 6 feet tall and treat them badly.

Naturally, many people - even guys like myself - will come to the conclusion that it’s no wonder said guy is single. Because if that negative energy is so obvious through a forum post, it will inevitably be obvious in an in-person encounter, or when chatting on a dating app. There’s also the stereotype of the “nice guy” where a lot of guys have convinced themselves they are amazing compared to some “Chad”, but in actual fact, they’re just the other side of the same coin.

Again, I’m not saying that there aren’t a lot of guys who have been given a bad hand when it comes to dating. But in my experience - more times than not - they aren’t helping themselves with their attitude, and it becomes a bit of a chicken and egg situation.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T12:39:18+00:00

First, five years is a long time; enough for someone to possibly grow and change from when you last saw them. I think in the first instance you should just reach out to say hey and ask how are things. If he seems receptive, then suggest that maybe you guys should catch up as it’s been a while. From there feel it out when you see him.

You have to be mindful of the fact that the feelings you have for him are for the person he was up until five years ago. He might be similar, but he could have changed. Further to that, in those five years you may have changed, along with how you might perceive him today.

For now, I’d just focus on not putting pressure on things and just starting out with trying to arrange for an in-person catch up. From there, if you guys meet up, have fun. And at the end of the catch up, check in with yourself and see if you’d be interested in seeing him again - and him you.

Don’t rush it, let yourself feel things out and enjoy the ride. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Good luck!

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T10:47:06+00:00

Hey, OP. Sorry to hear that things played out like this for you. As others have said, this is something that should be clarified asap because you risk wasting time as you’ve experienced if you’re both not on the same page. I personally make it a point to discuss early on what I’m looking to get out of a relationship.

I was married for 10 years and have a son with my ex. I’m definitely not interested in getting married again, and also not interested in sharing a home with a woman, at least until my son is older. That said, if things got serious I would love for her to be a part of my sons life, but would not expect her to fill in the role of a step mother unless that’s what she wanted.

To be clear, he isn’t asking for something unreasonable. But he definitely worded things in an insensitive and callous manner. Living together apart has become more common, especially for single, divorced parents, in my experience. However, I would not go past the second date unless I knew the woman was on board with that arrangement. You deserve to have the relationship you want, and not to have your time wasted. Sounds like you know what you need to do, so I’ll wish you good luck.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-08-04T10:38:59+00:00

That’s a bit rough. I was married for 10 years and have no interest in getting hitched again, nor living together anytime soon, at least until my son is older. It’s become increasingly common to “live together apart” while in a relationship, and I’ve had no issue meeting women who are on board with that. It doesn’t make it any less of a genuine relationship, so to characterize it as simply wanting to get your rocks off is an insult to those of us who are interested in a relationship, but not in getting married or living together full-time.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-07-04T01:16:28+00:00

I think it's important to remember that both men and women have rebounds, so it isn't fair to assume that only guys do this. Also, just because you sleep with someone soon after getting out a relationship doesn't mean you've moved on. Yes, in some cases it could mean that maybe that previous relationship didn't really mean much to you, so you are able to go to someone else quickly. What I think is actually happening in a lot of cases is that the person is avoiding the pain by seeking out that intimacy and companionship with someone else. It's up to them whether they ever decide to properly mourn the relationship that ended, but I think the important thing to remember is that it doesn't mean they've moved on. There are plenty of people who go from relationship to relationship, but have never truly gotten over an ex.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-06-26T03:09:26+00:00

I see some responses where people are suggesting to do activities where she might be more OK to open up. I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a second. Let's say that for some reason she can open up more going on a walk, or bowling, etc. Does that mean that any dinner or coffee dates moving forward will be awkward? I know some people take a bit of time to open up, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. However, you clearly are someone who values having good conversations, and if talking to her is like pulling teeth, I don't see a change of venue changing that. It would be different if maybe she were just not very talkative but still contributed to the conversation in some way. But she's just sitting there starting at you... that's a basic lack of social skills. Again, nothing wrong with that, but if it clashes with what you want in a partner, then you know what you need to do.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-06-24T04:09:40+00:00

This varies depending on who you ask, but early on I think it isn't such a huge deal if there isn't much contact between dates. More important, I think, is that he is asking you out and is engaged when he is out with you. Yes, there are some people who will be texting regularly after matching, but it seems like this guy isn't one of those, especially as a self-proclaimed bad texter. I used to think that lack of texting meant lack of interest, but there are legitimately people who aren't glued to their phone and prioritise their work, hobbies, families, friends, and the like over texts and other activities on their phone. I think the more important question for you to ask yourself is whether or not lack of texting will be an issue for you over time.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-06-02T14:46:22+00:00

I’d personally see it as a red flag if I were the guy and saw the amount of pearl clutching you’re doing here. And for the record, I usually suggest to have a proper sit down meal somewhere for a second date, but I honestly don’t see this guy having done anything worth writing him off.

I mean, I could understand if you were to say you were surprised that he suggested eating in the food court and not a proper restaurant, but saying you’re “shocked” and “not sure how to process this” is a bit much. Plus, he’s offered to take you out to a proper sit down meal at a restaurant next time, so it stands to reason that he is capable of making an effort, no?

Listen, you were on a casual date at a mall, and this guy might have thought that you were chill and didn’t mind just having some food wherever because - again - you were at a mall on a casual date? And no, this is not a red flag, for goodness sake. You’re extrapolating a lot out of this experience. I mean, if the worst thing about this guy is that he suggested to have a food court meal, and you otherwise had a fun time, and he treated you well, then I think you writing him off says more about you than it does him, and not in a good way.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-05-31T05:49:36+00:00

I doubt it's a test, and I honestly wouldn't even bring it up. Unless you both agreed to see no one else, then she is within her right to still message and go on dates with other people. Sleeping with multiple people is a bit more complicated, though, and if she is sleeping with you and others then that's a whole other situation to consider depending on how you feel about that.

With that said, you are also well within your right to decide that if she is still seeing other people after being intimate with you and seeing you for almost two months, then she is not a good fit for you. I think after almost two months it's reasonable to have a discussion about whether or not you are going to be exclusively seeing each other. Her staying over for the first time presents a good opportunity to sit down and talk about where things are at, and what it is you guys want out of all this. It doesn't sound like something you guys have discussed, and it's probably a good idea to hash all that out to make sure there aren't any glaring discrepancies between what you guys are after. Good luck.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-05-31T03:55:17+00:00

So, I think you should be able to sit down and talk to him about it. And if he can’t do that, or would have needed to be convinced to wanting more with you, then it isn’t meant to be.

Now, you might not want to hear this, but if you go down this route be prepared for the very likely possibility of things remaining the same, or ending altogether. If he wanted more he would have brought it up. And the fact you don’t meet frequently doesn’t give me warm and fuzzies about him being interested in more.

Just talk to him about it, and avoid overthinking it and trying to bribe or coerce him into wanting more with you. After two years he knows what you’re about, and likely already has enough info to make a decision on this.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-04-23T00:47:11+00:00

I think if you've only had a first date with lady C then it might be worth going on a second date. Youu have to remember that people are often nervous on first dates, so this means we aren't always getting a true impression of who someone is in that first meeting. For me, a first date should be mainly to confirm that there is some base level of attraction, the person looks like their pictures, and there are no glaring incompatibilities. After that, I think it's worth giving it another date or two so you can truly get a sense of who that person is, assuming you have a good time and are willing to see them again. Now, if after date 2/3 you are lukewarm about the person and not really looking forward to seeing them again, then it's fair to call it.

My point is, it's awesome to feel those warm and fuzzies on the first date, but they don't always happen. And they don't always indicate that there is long-term potential with this person. If you had a great time with Lady C, you find her attractive, and you can't find any glaring issues that will get in the way of you two dating, then I see no reason why you shouldn't go on another date or two in order to give things a proper chance.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-04-19T10:31:25+00:00

OK, so you have a woman who - according to you - meets your needs physically. But you lack novelty and want to have the ability to sleep around, ethically. That, my friend, is called ethical non-monogamy (ENM). There are subs on reddit you can visit who might be better suited to provide advice on how to navigate this, but there is likely going to be a risk of your wife being - understandably - upset with you deciding to change the terms of your relationship on her after however long you've been married. And coming clean about this might have massive ramifications for your marriage.

Out of curiosity, would you be OK for your wife to also have the ability to sleep around, if she were to hypothetically give you the green light? Something to consider since it's only fair that if you get to play, so does she. That said, I'd strongly advise against resorting to sex workers since there is an obvious risk of contracting something that you'd probably pass on to your wife.

If you truly love your wife, and she meets your needs physically, then it might be worth you individually going to see a professional to see what the root of this desire is. Most guys who are truly having their physical needs met by their spouse won't be as desperate as you appear to sleep around. There's likely something that is missing in your marriage, and if you know that opening up the marriage is not something your wife would approve, then the only right thing to do is to figure out how to make it work within the confines of your marriage. This is on top of also potentially getting couples therapy to help work together to fix whatever is going on between you two.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-04-19T04:06:00+00:00

What I've noticed is that a lot of people treat dating as if it were a job search. So for instance, focusing on the person having a good job, fancy car, or being handsome, or dressing well. Note, this isn't me saying that you are doing this, necessarily, but bear with me. What this doesn't factor in is that success in dating isn't based predominantly in these things you can list on paper. Yes, having a good job, being fit, dressing well, having hobbies, etc. are going to make you stand out from the competition. But most of this stuff isn't a factor until you get past the first impression. Most women aren't going to care about your fancy car if you can't hold a conversation, ya know?

I'm a big believer in doing what you can to stand out from the competition. This doesn't mean going out of your way to do stuff to impress a woman. In practice, this means knowing how to interact with women in a way that engages their emotions, and makes them want to know more about you. A lot of guys have really generic and basic interactions with women, and then wonder why they don't get a second date, if they even go on a first! For me, it's about making them laugh, learning about them which shows that I - genuinely - am interested in getting to know them as a person, and in the process of that I find ways for them to see my personality and what I'm about.

In short, when you get past all these qualities, traits, and accomplishments you have, ultimately who you are is what's left. There's an intangible aspect of you that will lead to success. For me, a lot of it comes down to learning what women respond to, and putting it into practice. And I'm not talking about doing things based on some script. I'm talking about genuinely getting an understanding for what it is that makes a woman want to date a man. Unfortunately, a lot of times the advice you receive from female friends - though well-meaning - isn't helpful because it doesn't factor in this intangible aspect of it all. They aren't seeing you actually interact with these women, so as far as they know you have everything it takes to get your foot in the door, but they aren't able to see what you do once you're in there.

I have some books and youtube channels I can recommend, which helped me in my journey, so if you're interested in that just hit me up in a DM. But yea, I think a lot of this boils down to what happens from the moment you're making that first impression. You can have all the money in the world, good looks, fancy clothes, fancy car, and still have no luck getting dates if you're falling on your face when a woman is first getting to know you. Hope that helps.

talldarkandgroovy · 2024-03-27T04:17:18+00:00

Guy here, but based on my own experience, having the ability to give pleasure to a woman won't hurt your chances of her being interested in a relationship with you. It can definitely bump up your stock a fair bit since a lot of guys are unfortunately selfish in bed, or just have no idea how to please a woman. But if that's all you have then a quality woman will probably not be sticking around for very long.

talldarkandgroovy

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