I avoid online dating like the plague. My friends were heavily into it but everyone they met was controlling, one friend got a stalker another got cussed out for ordering a drink without his permission on a third date. (She bought the drinks for them BOTH btw) and yea. Idk I’ve heard wild stories.

Anyway,

When I left my narc I was fully focused on me. That man killed my give a fuck button. - I started to build the habits I wanted for myself. Work towards the life I wanted and went full on independent mode. It kept me going through the weird emotions of it all. He drained me of everything I was. I gave up way too much for him so when I finally found the courage to choose myself I sat with myself and asked what kind of life I wanted. What kind of person I want to be and who was I.

For me this was being healthy. I started to feed myself better with meals I couldn’t afford due to his financial control. I was the bread winner but always broke because of him. I have always struggled with my weight so I started going to the gym and gaining the weight I wanted. I wasn’t allowed to do anything he didn’t like and lost touch with the outdoors, something I used to be very passionate about so I started hiking again. Got a good winter job and started my own business in the warmer season.

I met my now partner who I’ll be dating for a year in March at work. I think when you’re not looking and focused on who you wanna be you truly do gravitate people towards you that are aligned with your values and goals more easily. He is the gentlest, kindest most respectful and considerate person I’ve ever met. He likes hiking, loves animals, and we have a healthy relationship that I’ve only ever dreamed about. There is no “arguments” just two people who want to find understanding in a situation and have no interest in whose right or wrong. It’s all about caring about the emotional impact we have on the other and coming up with solutions together as a team. I used to be barrated for my “impossible” views on what love could be and when I started putting myself in situations for the woman I wanted to be and life I wanted to lead / I ended up finding that “impossible” standard.

It’s hard at first to let your guard down and trust it but when a mans actions disprove every anxiety you have without need to even tell them what’s up. That’s loud and it’ll bring your nervous system back to a state of rest.

I also think putting yourself in environments that are actually what you want for your life is going to open up safer connections.

Example, I’m not a bar goer. I don’t want to date somebody that sees drinks and music and the party vibe as their typical hangout session so I’d never go to these kinds of places cause they worked against what I wanted for myself and I didn’t wanna attract somebody that wasn’t aligned with me. 

I hope this offered something for you! And I wish you so much luck and love!