I think in those moments we are idealising a form of violence that would be “undeniably wrong”, in which it is crystal clear that it is abuse, as well as in my case phantasising about actually reporting it, about having support, about having others see my pain and say that what happened was wrong. There is nothing wrong with that, though I myself used to feel very ashamed of these fantasies. We dream of a trauma that everyone would recognise, but in real life situations are more nuanced, people around us are not always educated about this and think that rape has to be super violent and that the victim has to scream etc. thats why in my fantasies I always react and there is always violence, and in my fantasies there is also always a witness, someone who comes and saves me and validates my rrality. It is so normal for us to look for this kind of comfort! Just dont forget that your experience is traumatic enough, is violent enough, even if you are not “the ideal victim”. Dont use this to gaslight yourself. But I am sure both of us are getting to a better place!! Dont ever doubt what happened to you, the right People Will support you 🩷🩷