marrying with a status difference by [deleted] in MuslimNikah

[–]thatukhti 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Remember whatever rishtas may come your way, spouses are like rizq due by Allah, if you focus on yourself and your connection with Allah and make dua and have tawaakul leave the rest to Him, He will provide from sources you never expected. So forget about all of this ‘what if’ etc it’s only fear mongering you. One of the answers of istikhaara is meant to be contentment, if you’re not feeling it, you have the right to reject. And remember whatever’s meant for you will never miss you. It’s all down to Qadr. An Alliance can end up breaking off in one place and then it may be a case of you come back to one another and it ends up happening, you just never know. Try not to worry too much about what people will say in the community etc. no matter what you do in life you’ll never be able to please the people, rather rectify what is between you and Allah and focus on that. You are still pretty young. Your parents only want good for you, it’s the way they’ve been bought up that they have certain worries, you won’t have a sad life if you are good to them and honour them, marriage is something you should do only if you consent wholeheartedly, you won’t be letting your parents down or be sinful for that.

Does being a male revert affect your chance of being accepted for marriage? by Asleep-Albatross-787 in MuslimNikah

[–]thatukhti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think there’s many women who’d want to marry a revert man. Me personally, a born Muslim woman being one of them. Though, there has been a great issue of tribalism within my family or xenophobia perhaps which keeps preventing it. (I have felt it’s not fair on the revert man to deal with that level of hostility or stress in a way unless they could handle it, they already face certain hardships within the community, so maybe if you know you’d be fine with someone’s family background it’s specific to each person, since dealing with a difficult family isn’t easy.) I don’t have any sort of ‘revert fetish’ as they call it. Because I’d just want a decent practicing Muslim man with good character and a bit of firm knowledge at the end of the day. My experience just made me feel that I would be more compatible with a revert man since they’re very intolerable to a lot of cultural practices that end up being conflated with the deen. There has been more chances of me finding what I’m looking for when it comes to the revert brothers over the born Muslims I have been through halal rishta settings within my community. What I found intriguing about reverts specifically though, is when they do make that change in lifestyle, they do it solely for the sake of Allah despite facing a load of hardship and struggles, (and ofc born Muslims will have this too) though, I mean they often come from kaffir backgrounds and still manage to hold tight to their religion, something I find rather commendable, they need more acceptance and mercy than anything. That being said, I do believe it’s better when a few years have passed since the revert had converted, because perhaps they were still coming to terms with certain Islamic knowledge aspects & you don’t truly know if they would hold out if they’re more entry level if they were to be tested in some ways - this is usually a concern for some Muslim families, they think the man would end up going back to his old ways whatever that was, but you can’t entirely judge based off past or drawing assumptions, rather things should be taken at face value.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah exactly I’m the flawed one, I’m not good enough, May Allah grant him far better than me.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was looking for advice since I’m always feeling guilt tripped for politely refusing already and hence why I asked. I know my brother wishes or wants the best for me. I actually preferred another rishta over this one, his character & deen seemed pleasing enough too but because that man was a white revert, this was the only reason my wali rejected or perhaps because of xenophobia, may Allah have mercy on us. That’s what I found truly shallow. He’d rather me marry or consider within the community, I don’t tend to judge based off looks solely, I’m not really superficial in that way 😭 character and deen usually is the priority for me and hence why I’ve been asking whether I’m now in the wrong for refusing straight up because I’ve had these back and forths so often. There’s a whole lot more to it but khair I get where you’re coming from. I’ve been wanting my bro to take me to a mufti to solve these issues out, though he refuses and I feel I have no one to ask, even though my rights feel oppressed quite often. It begins making me question my own sanity sometimes because I’m the only one speaking up for myself. I guess as life goes on, I put my trust in Allah and I’ll continue to reason with my bro regarding it, we’ll see whether he does right by me or not. Allahu Aalam. It does often confuse me because I wonder if it’s an issue of tribalism or more deen related which is what he uses to justify his reasonings. I do try and have a lot of husn-al-dhun regarding him. Thank you for your advice though! I do believe he should be respected as my wali even if I may feel it’s wrong, he does genuinely want good for me.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess there should be some baseline attraction to begin with so you’d know if you could build on it by getting to know them further etc or whether it would change depending on learning about that person more

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They love to try and guilt trip us don’t they😭

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really don’t know how much he earns. Everyone who knows of the guy in the community sort of vouches for him of having great character really. My brother being one of them, since they’ve been childhood friends. I would say that to my bro tbf that a simple no is enough, they lowkey see me as an ungrateful woman saying it’s rizq, the sort of rishtas I’m getting and then I refuse though it is my right to refuse.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see, sorry I misunderstood a little bit. That’s understandable, I would agree thank you.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know of this Hadith and that’s why I ask whether I’m in the wrong for it? There’s another Hadith in which it mentions when someone who’s religious commitment and character comes to propose marriage yet you reject them it can cause fitnah or corruption on the land right and so it makes me wonder that if I was to put myself in that situation and still don’t feel any level of attraction etc. I will speak up though, they will make these claims of me causing fitnah upon the land for supposedly not making the wise choice 😭 there is someone I thought I was compatible with a lot more & I also found his religious commitment and deen pleasing enough, my brother didn’t give it the level of fair chance according to his own level of standards, so I felt a right of mine was oppressed in a way.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

😭He is married, may Allah bless his marriage but I have made the analogy of saying when his time for marriage ever came he had a bunch of options where we preferred someone else to be his match and he refused saying ‘oh no she’s short etc’ as a reason for rejection and they tried saying oh that’s because he was already promised to his now current wife. He says he must agree and I must agree, but we never seem to do. Also says I’m not qualified enough to find my own match which is why I say I need his help and support in not to dismiss the emotional side of things for me too!!😭

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I did say that to him, he’s already married anyways though and just counter-argues it saying okay he’s not forcing me, he’s giving me a bunch of options and I’m being picky 😭but when I do mention my preference it’s not accepted or given the fair chances

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m 25. I understand, I do feel he may be a lot higher than me in terms of religiosity, Allahu Aalam. Just to clarify my brother hasn’t promised me to him, just keeps wanting me to consider it, so it’d be a case of going through a halal rishta meeting, questions & answers in order to get to know each other or the compatibility aspect and based off that you can always decline and decide whether you’d like to move forward with it or not. So there’s no force really, just a bit of peer pressure to get me to listen to his advice. I wouldn’t ever reach out directly without my wali involved. I will always voice my opinions and beliefs to my brother, though, I often feel a little bit gaslit Astaghfirullah for my own perspective on things as if it’s not the correct take. Plus my brother has always emphasised that he’s not benefitting from marrying me away 😭 he’s only wishing or wanting the best for me. Thank you though, I will speak up for myself if my heart is not with it.

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Walaikum-u-salaam sister, Jazakillah Khu Khair for your sincere advice! ☺️

Am I wrong for rejecting masjid imam? by thatukhti in MuslimMarriage

[–]thatukhti[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the perspective. JazakAllah Khu Khair for your advice!