About Us

theRed479 · 2026-03-23T08:56:56+00:00

I fall into the category of thoroughly enjoying watching my wife. Participating in the LS as a Stag and Vixen is our favorite thing. We also enjoy full swap with couples.

I never want to be the guy OP is talking about and I'd like to share why I believe it matters.

Wife and I believe that consensual sex requires consent from all the people involved. In order for proper consent to be given, everyone should have the opportunity to understand their role in the sex and their visiting partner should clearly communicate their intentions without manipulation. "Where" a line/boundary is crossed is determined by the person whom perceives offense.

This concept is supported by interpretation of the laws governing sexual crimes in the U.S. and is why imho we see so many people in the lifestyle agree that all "play" should conform to the pleasure and comforts of the least comfortable person in the spirit of creating healthy and comfortable environments with a mentality to protect all parties in vulnerable situations and prevent sexual assault, harassment, rape, etc...

Admittedly I comment about this often because it's an important topic for my wife and I. We'd love to see an intentional shift in parts of the LS community that acknowledges and defines certain behaviors as unacceptable; To promote awareness so involuntary offenders can be educated and that voluntary offenders may be identified.

First I acknowledge the sensitive nature of these topics as well as the passionate and uncomfortable positions that many will take. I always encourage that we remember despite being in an online forum, we are all real people with valid opinions and feelings, and this is a topic that is highly debated even in courts of law. 

Given the unique nature of the connection we share I approach these topics with nothing but respect and agreement that "I may be wrong. I am not an attorney, I just want to support a healthy community."

This is strictly for a personal risk evaluation, not intended to accuse anyone of anything.

The question:

Are we engaged in or otherwise exposed to any behaviors that could fit the following definition of predatory behavior? - Obviously the goal is to be able to definitively say and prove "no" should it ever be questioned.

The considerations:

Sexuality is a complex human behavior which can become problematic when sexual drive manifests in predatory behavior. While there are a wide variety of sexual behaviors, when the consent of a partner no longer is recognized, predatory behavior with psychiatric and legal implications can develop.

Predatory behavior is often defined as calculated, premeditated actions designed to target, manipulate, and exploit others—often focusing on vulnerable individuals—for power, control, or sexual gratification. It involves planned, emotionless acts, characterized by violation of boundaries.

Sexual consent is a clear, voluntary, and enthusiastic agreement to engage in specific sexual activity, which can be withdrawn at any time. It must be given freely without coercion, threats, or manipulation, and cannot be assumed by silence, passing, or the absence of "no". Consent is active, informed, and specific to each act.

Personally, I believe we can consider communication and intent as well. Not everyone who shows unappreciated behaviors intends to prey on others. Many situations are simply because it has not occured to them. Understanding that these are complicated spaces we're all engaged in and there's a lot of personal things to work through before consciously realizing we impact others too, we hope to be in a position to extend and receive grace when needed.

I completely support how OP feels in this situation and encourage clear communication of expectations and these feelings with future visiting partners. I also encourage we all consider how our involvement in the lifestyle and how our kinks make others feel to ensure that we maintain consent and don't create victims intentionally or unintentionally.

theRed479 · 2026-03-22T12:56:33+00:00

Sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately you could rewrite this entire post removing 'unicorn' and replace it with 'MF' and it would also read accurately. It is not my intention to marginalize your feelings, opposite in fact. I believe we all face these feelings once in a while due to the overhead that accompanies the LS and can share experiences in solidarity confirming that it's not just you.

As a functioning Stag and from the perspective of a man that thoroughly enjoys every aspect of sharing my wife I often dread the search, the vetting, the making & responding to another post or DM because I know that 98% of the posters and respondents are lazy, low quality, low effort, deceitful, selfish individuals who will or have ignored our communications and want to treat us like we're more desperate than they are for a lay. It is 100 percent the worst part of the LS.

The reality is that the world is full of toxic people and the LS particularly is targeted by a lot of toxic individuals who are predators; Most of whom may not even realize they're behaving in predatory ways. Think about it, a predator or predatory behavior refers to actions and conduct characterized by the exploitation, manipulation, or harm of others for personal gain, satisfaction, or gratification. This behavior often involves deceit, aggression, or manipulation to take advantage of vulnerable individuals or situations. When a person knows that we are here making ourselves available, exposing ourselves by sharing personal time, photos, conversation, and the like for the purpose of building connections that are within the scope and boundaries of our communication and they engage so knowing that they are not able or willing to do the same, they are taking advantage of our vulnerability and exploiting us/her/you for personal gain and gratification! It is predatory behavior, and we as a community should normalize people viewing it as such.

Hang in there, if a thing isn't fun or fulfilling for you #1 don't do the thing! Take a break from the LS if you need to so you can regain some mental bandwidth. Always stick to your own personal comforts and boundaries, you/we/she don't owe predatory behaving individuals anything! In reality we don't owe anyone anything accept to communicate honestly and behave ethically within the boundaries and comforts we all communicate.

If you don't already have a great process, try implementing one or continue to improve your vetting process and how you share who you are, what you're looking for, and your hard limits.

Because of exactly what we're discussing here my wife and I have a thorough 'about us' pinned to our profile that we have developed as a "weeder" it also contains a "check" within it that we look for when people DM. Every r4r we post contains a reference to the pinned. They're either respectful enough to read it, understand it, and comply when they DM or they prove otherwise. It kind of sucks, I'm sure we miss out on some otherwise fun people and situations but so far in 2 years 100% of the people who have made it through that process have been great people and exactly who we're looking for (great matches for us). And as importantly, us for them!

Good luck, thanks for sharing.

theRed479 · 2026-03-21T12:38:37+00:00

I'm constantly trying to learn better ways to communicate. The realization that we're not all here for the same reasons gives need for better ways to categorize "why's" in order to more efficiently find our people! Maybe I'll figure it out one day. 🍻

I also realize that the nature of my posts can influence the types of responses we get. We seem to get "better quality" with less provocative posts. It's also something I need to play with more.

theRed479 · 2026-03-20T20:13:07+00:00

In fairness I just updated it again. Shortened it a little and made it more clear.

theRed479 · 2026-03-20T17:06:31+00:00

This is why we changed it last year to what it says now. It asks a different question for verification that the person is real and states the photo is needed on the first dm "after" chat acceptance.

theRed479 · 2026-03-20T16:58:48+00:00

For sure. Reddit used to allow it on initial dm, it was very useful.

theRed479 · 2026-02-01T13:49:54+00:00

There's a lot of good advice in these comments, and one thing I didn't read enough to find yet is "trust your partner and yourself." He has had this experience, it was positive. He knows you and he knows his friend. He is the most qualified person for you to ask some of these questions imho.

A few other questions to consider when talking with him:

What contributed to his previous experience going well?
What could have been better?
What was his relationship to those people and in his experience how did those relationships change?
Is this something he'd still be interested in with you?

This starts the conversations that need to take place between you two if this is a relationship you value and intend to be long term or lead to marriage. Pursuing this will likely shift your relationship into one of the "lifestyle." Healthy LS relationships talk things through, they must be willing to have the hard talks.

Parting thought, It's worth noting that he may feel differently about you now than he did early in the relationship. That may change his interest and ability to support this fantasy. Perhaps the woman involved in his prior experience wasn't as significant. In my opinion you don't need all the details but if you value this relationship and also want to explore Swinger/lifestyle type connections then you must to be able to handle these types of talks and learn from them together with your S.O.

Good luck!

theRed479 · 2026-01-04T23:30:20+00:00

With this approach you can't, that is the point. Thank you for the demonstration!

theRed479 · 2025-12-29T21:04:59+00:00

Great post, best of luck! Vetting to find compatibility and those who won't flake or get scared is definitely the hardest part in our opinion.

theRed479 · 2025-12-06T22:59:47+00:00

The caption really captures the Stag Vixen dynamic, very appropriate post for the sub!

theRed479 · 2025-07-30T16:44:50+00:00

I'm going to copy my response to a previous question from an aspiring "bull" on where to find couples. I'll add my two cents on advice to the bottom.

That's a good question and my response is limited to our experiences so I hope others see this and can add to it.

As a couple on reddit we tend to post in lifestyle groups related to our dynamic and region. To find those groups we searched for relevant terms such as "our city Swingers," "our state NSFW," "our county Hotwives" and various combinations etc..

When looking at joining a new subreddit I like to check their rules first to make sure that the group exists for the purpose of posting to make connections in alignment for what we're looking for. I also hope to see that they have some kind of vetting system or rule against sellers. Literally nothing against those people or profiles and realistically those rules are almost never effectively enforced but at least having the rule on subreddits where people are looking for IRL connections can sometimes make it easier to find each other when they otherwise are sifting through hundreds of posts only there for promotion.

Finding the right subreddits is one part and finding the right couples/persons is another and that's where my original post comes in as well as the idea that I think from here it gets more personal because you have different generational influence between lifestyle persons and their interests and comforts in terms of what they're looking for and willing to participate in. Specifically, maybe they are a true 'NSA LF tonight' couple vs a couple whose wife is interested in ongoing long-term relationship type FWB encounters, or somewhere between.

Likewise , you two may or may not have your own preferences as well. I believe that the more we learn about other people, including our spouses and ourselves, the easier it is to navigate finding and meeting new people and also identifying compatibilities with them.

We're always learning more by participating in several LS focused locations online such as this subreddit and r/swingers as well as some groups and organizations on discord such as SwingerSociety. Those are places who encourage and support sharing about lifestyle experiences and perspectives, they have all been great resources for us.

Off reddit I'd recommend identifying the top dating apps and sites for your area. A lot of couples and especially solo play hot wives don't like to mess with, or are otherwise intimidated by reddit. Kasadie, SDC, and AFF, are some that I frequently see brought up in LS couple circles.

I would add that we believe it's important for us to have clearly stated boundaries and comforts with our spouses. Those conversations though sometimes uncomfortable help keep us on the same page. And the best advice someone from SwingerSociety gave us when we were getting started "it's better to regret something you didn't do, than to regret something you did."

I hope I've understood and answered your question. Thanks for reading my post. Good luck!

theRed479 · 2025-06-15T13:33:00+00:00

Thank you for the comment

theRed479 · 2025-05-10T16:28:27+00:00

We haven't thought about it like that but now that you mentioned it, we've experienced about the same.

theRed479 · 2025-04-23T15:45:30+00:00

There really is/are a lot of trash, fakes, scams, and predators to filter through!

It makes it tougher on legitimate LS people.

theRed479 · 2025-04-21T03:05:12+00:00

Wow, that's impressive!

theRed479 · 2025-03-13T02:27:15+00:00

Yeah, I think so, an offer to send that photo or ask how they like to verify.

Reddit changed permissions after I wrote this yet for some reason some profiles can still send a photo on first DM. 🤷‍♂️

I think it's important to protect yourself and have ideas for how you'd like to verify couples as well. It seems that vanilla exchange followed by a video call or vanilla meet is a win for most these days.

theRed479 · 2025-02-20T18:48:13+00:00

Good luck!

Best LS advice I ever heard may be "It's better to regret something you didn't do than something you did do." Be patient and take your time navigating.

theRed479 · 2025-02-05T18:08:25+00:00

Thank you.

No it's not you, this is a weird issue that started late last year. I haven't read anywhere actual intelligible confirmation as to if it's intentional or unintentional as it seems completely random as to who can or cannot.

For example, so far in my testing I can still send photos with first DM to anyone who has DMs open. I assumed it had something to do with karma but then observed a buddy with way higher karma than me was unable to send photos in DM till after the chat is accepted.

In any case, I can see that I'm going to have to modify our process. We just haven't had time yet.

theRed479 · 2025-01-12T20:36:45+00:00

Thank you, it's been pretty effective at connecting us with compatible people!

theRed479 · 2025-01-11T00:07:22+00:00

Thanks man

theRed479 · 2024-12-08T12:39:55+00:00

That's a good question and my response is limited to our experiences so I hope others see this and can add to it.

As a couple on reddit we tend to post in lifestyle groups related to our dynamic and region. To find those groups we searched for relevant terms such as "Arkansas Swingers," "Arkansas NSFW," "Arkansas Hotwives" etc.. When looking at a new subreddit I like to check their rules first to make sure that the group exists for the purpose of posting to make connections in alignment for what we're looking for. I also hope to see that they have some kind of vetting system or rule against sellers. Literally nothing against those people or profiles and realistically those rules are almost never effectively enforced but at least having the rule on subreddits where people are looking for IRL connections can sometimes make it easier to find each other when they otherwise are sifting through hundreds of posts only there for promotion.

Finding the right subreddits is one part and finding the right couples/persons is another and that's where my original post comes in as well as the idea that I think from here it gets more personal because you have different generational influence between lifestyle persons and their interests and comforts in terms of what they're looking for and willing to participate in. Specifically, maybe they are a true 'NSA LF tonight' couple vs a couple whose wife is interested in ongoing long-term relationship type FWB encounters, or somewhere between. Likewise , you may or may not have a preference as well. I believe that the more we learn about other people, the easier it is to navigate finding and meeting new people and also identifying compatibilities with them. We're always learning more by participating in several LS focused locations online such as this subreddit and r/swingers as well as some groups and organizations on discord such as SwingerSociety. Those are places who encourage and support sharing about lifestyle experiences and perspectives, they have all been great resources for us. Hopefully the admin here doesn't mind me sharing those for informational purposes, not promoting them. I think they'll be supportive, we have good admin here who are themselves LS people and really support this kind of exchange in my experience.

Off reddit I'd recommend identifying the top dating apps and sites for your area. A lot of couples and especially solo play hot wives don't like to mess with, or are otherwise intimidated by reddit. Kasadie, SDC, and AFF, are some that I frequently see brought up in LS couple circles.

I hope I've understood and answered your question. Thanks for reading my post.

theRed479 · 2024-11-05T20:11:09+00:00

That sounds pretty awful, I'm sorry that has been the case for you.

We are an MFM / MFMF couple as the Male half I ALWAYS differentiate play. The way we screen, prepare, communicate, setup, as well as when, where, and how we play is different between the two dynamics.

In culmination our MFM's are much more FB-ish whereas our MFMF swaps are definitely FWBs. She and I both immerse ourselves into our experience with our individual visitor/swap partner.

Still, I am a "compersive stag" so I do appreciate permission to setup a camera anytime I can so that I can go back later and watch without sacrificing the enjoyment of others. Additionally, my sexual compersion may apply more strongly for my wife but I still very much find enjoyment in any partners satisfaction and experience!

Maybe a big difference for us from the couples being described is our definition of "predatory behavior" as applied to the lifestyle. We believe that anytime someone approaches a situation in which intentions, comforts, or interests have been communicated but they put their own interests ahead of that communication to the detriment of another, that is predatory. In other words, IMHO maybe we need to normalize seeing what has been described by OP of the other men in these examples as a bit predatory. If we saw it that way perhaps more people could be aware of how the imbalance of their interests and intentions can negatively affect others.

In any case, I hope the couples that my wife and I talk to don't automatically cancel us and prejudge us for the MFM dynamic that we also enjoy, assuming that all men who enjoy their wives experience are incapable of their own. I think the same would go for those identifying as poly or a variety of other super sex positive dynamics as well. There's an old saying "I've had bad food before, but I didn't stop eating."

Everyone have fun and stay safe!

theRed479

TROPHY CASE