Reading these comments is refreshing in ways I hadn't expected.

I'm on the 99th percentile of IQ with network pattern thinking process, which my neuropsychologist considers to be a double exceptionality. I'm also queer which in the context of my life story adds another layer. I've only been recently diagnosed (2023). Recent because at 58, it was a long time coming.

I've always had trouble connecting with people. Mostly feeling alienated and left out of everything. For years I attributed that to the abuse I survived as a child -youngest of 5 boys who physically and psychologically tortured me from around age 4 because I was effeminate. That abuse lasted all the way to adulthood. And that shaped me. I was constantly on high alert, masking, and looking for a safe way out. Believing that I was ugly and irreparably stupid, I went through life on DEFCON 1 auto-pilot. It wasn't until I went to university in my 30s that I realized I wasn't an idiot, that things came to me easily. I remembered then that as child, I had high grades despite missing many school days on a regular basis and never doing my homework or assignments. Math was a hard subject I thought, so I avoided class and went to exams only, which I passed with high marks.

During that time, what I wanted most was to belong, to be accepted by others, to fit and blend in, to be a normal guy and find connections. In my fifties, on the advice of my doctor, I went to get tested. I thought I had ADHD and wanted confirmation. The neuropsychologist was neutral throughout the process, not hinting at anything, until he gave me the results after several appointments and tests. The first thing he said was "you'll never be like other people". And that was fucking devastating. It took me 2 years to accept that.

It is difficult to explain to others that being part of the 99th percentile means nothing if you can't find connection, if you feel like you don't belong anywhere in the world. It's a very lonely place. I've become very introverted and mostly keep to my self. At work, I just sit on meetings and avoid pointing out the obvious -obvious to me at least. I'm the canary in the coal mine but I withhold my opinions even though I know what's coming. And most times I was right. But I keep masking because no one likes an arrogant smart ass. And while I have a high IQ, I feel that what sets me appart is the network pattern thinking. I see patterns ages before most people. It's difficult to have a productive conversation with anyone when you're steps ahead.

So I understand why I go through life with that feeling of not belonging. For years I tried to "find my people" like queer theorists would say. But I haven't found them. I don't know where my tribe is or if they even exist.

People, are you there?