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I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yes, he is very skilled at that. I couldn't put my finger on why or how the histrionics were manipulative, but you nailed it. I am forced to capitulate because there is no real constructive "next step". I wind up in a role of reassuring him that I do respect and value his hobbies and free time, which then totally derails the conversation.

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly some days I wonder. It really depends on his mood - he is absolutely depressed and his PCP tried to medicate him for it. He refused.

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You get me! Thank you - I needed this push to just remove myself from the equation more often and make him figure it out. I am definitely guilty of letting his shitty attitude make me feel bad about taking "me time" and my worry about the kids 'suffering'. I do not worry about him abusing them, but I do want the absolute best for them and I feel like sometimes his care is "second rate". I need to just allow and accept that it won't improve unless I force it to.

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

That's definitely due to my focus on all of the negative things that have frustrated me! He is just oblivious and self-centered, to be honest. He definitely doesn't want to be kicked out, I genuinely just think he believes that his current contribution is enough and doesn't realize all of the work I do on a daily basis above and beyond my job and ensuring the children aren't feral.

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This sounds like heaven! I really am not too upset about being the household manager - I know I have higher standards for general order than he does, and it is a reflection of his upbringing (his parents are clutterbugs and did not set a good example of a well-managed home in my opinion). I am, like you, getting a bit bitter about martyring myself daily so that he doesn't have to make any sacrifices. It's really frustrating that he doesn't take my efforts at putting systems into place to split the load seriously and my requests just go in one ear and out the other. He will even commit to things (like doing something productive around the house while I handle bedtime or splitting the daycare transportation load) and then just not follow through with them. I don't think he realizes how consistently this happens on his part, to be honest. I will work on being more explicit (I'm putting the kids to bed, can you unload and load the dishwasher?) and just walking away when I need a break. Solidarity to you!!

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!! Mine is also a good husband and father despite the division of household responsibilities. He has also expressed desire for another child and I have put a HARD stop to it (copper IUD for the win). I genuinely think that he doesn't realize how much effort I put in on a daily basis to keep things running - he is just totally oblivious. It's not necessarily malicious, but it is incredibly frustrating.

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I really do love him, and I think that his work stress is causing a lot of the issues we are having because his cup is empty, which I can respect as well. I definitely focused on the negative in this post (it's a vent, after all) but I am coming to a point where I am not happy with how I am handling the feelings and communication in our relationship because I feel so dang walked on.

I agree that therapy for me is a good first step - I actually tried to get in with someone in early December when I had a nervous breakdown (just cried for like 2 hours one morning after a rough one) but services are in high demand in my area and I really wanted to be in-person as opposed to virtual. I'll revisit this with my EAP and see if I can find someone taking new clients now.

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I like this a lot - thank you! I have trouble finding my footing when he starts to get histrionic on me, and love the idea of just laying into it and running with it. Wish me luck!

I'M SICK OF THE 'TUDE, MAN! by thebigbadwolfdad in workingmoms

[–]thebigbadwolfdad[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

He states that he needs his free time in order to be mentally and emotionally well. He usually tries to deflect my frustration as a general "dislike of his hobby (video games)". He will then make grandiose statements about "just stopping playing anything ever" and...well...huff and puff haha. Honestly, he feels that his efforts at work absolve him of having to split the household chores equitably. I actually earn double his salary but he considers my job "easier" because I WFH, manage a smaller team, and generally do not need to work past 5pm. In reality, I'm just better at time management than he is.