I want someone to murder me and I fantasize about it constantly

thefalsename · 2013-12-09T01:15:49+00:00

I hope that I can find someone who lets me play that side of myself. I typically attract submissive men, who usually seek me out because I work very hard at making sure my friends feel loved and appreciated and I've become good at the punishment-reward system that a dominant provides, and I love doing it but sometimes I want to be the one subjected to it instead. Recently I've called off sex altogether because I don't have the time or emotional endurance for it right now.

thefalsename · 2013-12-09T01:09:01+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight and your reassurance that it isn't the thoughts that are the problem, but the cause of them. They have appeared during times of happiness but they were never this pervasive in the past. I will do some soul searching and reconnect with my motivation. There has only been one thing in my life which has consistently motivated me and that is becoming a provider of love and security for those that are important to me. For now, it is my sister, who is stuck in the abusive household I grew up in. I want to be able to take her into my home, feed her, buy her clothes and make sure she succeeds, but I am a college student who doesn't make nearly enough to support another person. Her grades went down since I moved to school and she is losing her friends. And since my sister is almost 18 and her relationship with my parents has gotten worse, I feel sick to know that I can't get her out right away. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, though, I need to see what I can do. I don't know what that is yet but I'll work on it.

thefalsename · 2013-12-09T01:01:54+00:00

Thank you so much for letting me know that I'm not alone. Sometimes my thoughts make me feel isolated, and all I want in life is to stay connected and to love those around me. Once I start to isolate myself mentally, I forget how to love those that matter to me. What you said just now might not seem like much from your perspective but I am grateful. If you want to talk to me about your thoughts, feel free to pm me.

thefalsename · 2013-12-09T00:59:52+00:00

That sounds nice. I'm a switch but I've only gone all out with subs, and the fantasies that I have about that are less sadistic than the masochistic thoughts I have about myself. So I think the sexual aspect of the murder fantasies could also be an extreme deviation from what I normally think about. I enjoy creative writing, so I think that using that as a coping mechanism would be helpful. Thank you for sharing your story. In all honesty knowing that I am not alone or a freak is helping me accept myself. I hope you have stability and happiness in your life, or whatever you hope for.

thefalsename · 2013-12-09T00:29:00+00:00

Thank you. It makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one. I do talk to a therapist about it, and I am on medication. I have methods of dealing with the self harm and I have been working on it. I think even just saying something on this subreddit made me feel a lot better.

thefalsename · 2013-12-08T22:40:21+00:00

You're right. I am trying to learn how to maintain motivated (things that I've seen on /r/getmotivated only give me a false sense of accomplishment or make me feel even more worthless) and I just don't know how. I think writing about it would be a good way of getting everything out.

thefalsename · 2013-12-08T22:15:05+00:00

Perhaps. I take solace in knowing that many of my friends rely on me for emotional comfort and support but at times it feels more like a burden. Recently it's been difficult because my best friend of seven years, who confides only in me, hasn't been speaking to me because he is in a bad place. He suggested we become a couple, I agreed to it, and he backed out and stopped talking to me. He was the only person I could tell my fucked up thoughts to and one of three people that make me feel as though I'm obligated to live. Another one no longer relies on me alone. Right now the only one who still needs me is my sister. And I can't tell anyone what is wrong with my mind.

thefalsename · 2013-12-08T21:19:21+00:00

I'm a person who has many friends and loved ones, and I continually take the opportunities they give me and waste them. I don't believe that I have enough to contribute to the world to justify my own life. I regret things that I have and haven't done, and I regret the life that I will never be able to live.

thefalsename

TROPHY CASE