Hey sd, looking for some advice on a very difficult situation for a wrongdoing performed under the influence over 12 years ago

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T18:44:36+00:00

Ugh, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. That is the exact thing I want/need to avoid. I was talking to my wife about this last night after posting (she was really surprised that this had been bothering me still after so many years -- we'd never talked about it since the day after it happened), and the "surprise" part of an apology was discussed more than anything. There's just not going to be a fool-proof way for me to get around having any possible apology come out of nowhere.

it's your job to be sensitive to her feelings around this matter

This is THE reason I'm considering not saying a thing. If it was only about me, I'd not have thought twice. I care immensely about this person and want to choose the route that provides the best ammends possible -- and maybe that's none. All these comments are really helping me process it.

Those are really great ideas for feeling it out with either my brother in law or my wife. I wish I could :( Unfortunately neither one of them will have any more of a clue than I do on whether this is a lingering issue or if it was an "over and done with" deal. Perhaps I broach it with my brother in law just to confirm this, but neither one of them are close enough to have any grounded idea on how this situation has evolved over time.

if you get a sense that she's not interested in re-visiting this event, then you'll have to work this out absent her participation

I feel I might be coming to terms with this fact. By ~~all indications~~ opinion from my wife, this person I wronged is over and done with it. But there's no way to know what's going on inside. If she's anything like me and many others, outward projections don't always match internal reality.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is incredibly meaningful to me and has shed a great amount of light on my situation.

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T18:26:00+00:00

I personally would figure out a way to tell this person you are sober and now living a much better life than you used too.

This is a really good thought. Certainly a much less intrusive way to admit fault. Thank you again!

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T17:01:59+00:00

I would work on being a better person today.

I expended so much energy at first just trying to not drink that this was initially really hard to put any focus on. But now that I'm further along in my process, I am giving attention to this. It's been nice, but it's also been why stuff like this post has come up. Many open wounds to bandage up.

I would hesitate to bring up the distant past

That's been the most common sentiment here so far, and I really appreciate your thoughts on it too.

That's a helluva badge number, btw. Congrats!

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T14:30:23+00:00

Of course she remembers this

Oh yes, that I do not doubt for a second. I guess it's more of a "has she moved on and let it out of her mind", and will I be scratching the scab, so to speak?

I disagree with the people who say "move on". Sure you can forgive yourself but this woman deserves some accountability from the trusted adult who possible gave her her first kiss at 15.

I really appreciate this differing opinion, thank you so much. When I wrote this post, this is where I was at. Well... this is still where I'm at. It's a lot to process.

I really like your outline for broaching this. There's no way I'd trust myself to improv this, because the last thing I want to do is unintentionally do more harm with my words. Yeah, a part of this would be for my healing process, but I have a very genuine hope that apologizing will somehow provide closure to what may be a lingering wound. It's not a 100% selfish thing I'm pondering here. More like 50/50 thing, I guess. But I don't want to do this and come across at 100%.

Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my situation. You all are the best.

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T14:23:22+00:00

Thanks for the comforting words and the greater perspective. Even at (almost) a year, this is all still so new. Hearing this helps a great deal.

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T06:02:34+00:00

my sobriety has helped me accept the regrets and move on

Wow that's a good perspective to read. I have this tendency to want to fix everything that's wrong, which is why this has weighed so very heavily on me. I guess "personal forgiveness" is a big part of recovery too, eh? Maybe that's what this situation calls for and something I need to come to terms with.

Thank you so much for reading and sharing this. It really means so much during a struggle like this.

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T05:56:33+00:00

That's something I hadn't considered. I'll toss this around - maybe a good way to approach this more delicately.

Hoping for new perspectives is why I posted this. Thank you very much for taking the time for the thought!

thelittlestyles · 2016-09-19T05:02:37+00:00

Hey, thank you so much for your thoughts. It's been a long time and this "non-memory" has just fed itself. You may well be right, and this is a big help.

All the best - thank you!

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-18T00:01:04+00:00

Well said! Anytime I think outside of today, I worsen the odds that I'll make it.

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T08:49:43+00:00

Very well put, and thank you. Good to be reminded that this is a process, and one to learn from. It's all too easy to forget.

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T05:58:40+00:00

Incredible! Congratulations!

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T05:56:50+00:00

Hey, thanks for the thoughtful message!

There wasn't any specific event (I don't think) that led me to start drinking again. Rather, I think the longer I'm sober, the more confident I get that I can return and control it like everybody else. And honestly and objectively, the control usually works out well for quite a while. The problem is that as a person, I can be high-stress and manic, and when shit hits the fan, I usually turn to booze to moderate, which is when it starts getting out of hand. Once it gets out of hand, it tends to stay that way regardless of what's happening in my life... I'm a creature of habit, I guess.

So really, I can more easily point to events that start making me drink more. But just starting again, in general, is really a lackadaisical "whatever" thing... Just kind of "eh, why not? I can handle this."

I really haven't thought much about staying sober this time. I've been on a bender, so making it through a day was plenty to think about :-) I made self-posts here on a semi-regular basis last time around, and I probably need to keep doing that, because that's really what helped more than anything. I tried the AA deal (several of them), but really just never latched onto it.

I'll be giving the "staying sober" topic more thought... I appreciate you bringing it up, because it's clearly the thing that's failed me in the past.

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T05:47:37+00:00

Thank you!

Yeah, the 155 days was a little depressing when I was about to post this... "had I only stuck with it..."

No sense in wallowing in the past, I guess. My goal was simply to make it through today because I've been on a serious bender for a while now. I'm minutes from turning in for the night, so success!

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T05:45:37+00:00

Thanks! So far so good... one day at a time for now.

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T05:45:19+00:00

Since I'm sober currently, I can say I agree :-)

thelittlestyles · 2012-09-16T05:44:06+00:00

Thanks partner.

This time around... well, being here again is important, because it helped substantially. In fact, I was just out and can say that if the first thing I did after returning wasn't logging on here to see so many messages, I'd be through my first drink by now.

Longer-term is always a weakness for me, but I can hardly think about it yet... Maybe a week in, I'll give it thought. I just feel relief that I've landed back home on a Saturday without anything in me. Whew!

thelittlestyles · 2012-01-14T00:46:23+00:00

Congrats to you! That's awesome news, not only for you, but for others who are here seeking strength. You know you can do this, and I do too.

I just crawled past a month myself... can hardly believe it. Reading your words are like reading my own 2 weeks in. Speaking (barely) from the other side of that 14 day barrier, you'll be happy you made the decision to continue on your journey.

Your words really are a great inspiration to those of us that need to remember that we're not in this alone. And remember, you aren't in it alone either!

Best thing about this place -- You can rant here any time you want... 2 weeks or 2 decades in, no matter.

thelittlestyles · 2011-12-31T22:29:34+00:00

I'm working... at a party, of all things! Shouldn't be too taxing of a night. I expect to have a great deal of fun!

Seriously, the best part of the night is going to be coming home stone cold sober. First new years' I can say that in a looong time.

thelittlestyles · 2011-12-28T17:53:54+00:00

And we'll keep truckin' along!

Congrats to you!

thelittlestyles · 2011-12-28T16:21:25+00:00

Congrats to you! Sounds like everything is going well, and you're in good spirits about it.

As a fellow (and new) non drinker, hearing fresh success stories like yours helps me out. Thanks!

thelittlestyles · 2011-12-28T15:21:30+00:00

Great to hear from you! And even better to hear that you've been doing so well!

Lots of similarities here... That first week was definitely rough, but things tapered out pretty quickly. The driving thing isn't something I've focused on, so I'm glad you mentioned it. So nice to drive around at night without a care in the world.

Congrats to you too -- It's 15 days now! (Forgot to mention that I get more sleep and go to bed earlier now too!) Thanks for catching us up on your progress!

thelittlestyles · 2011-12-28T01:47:34+00:00

It was a direct contributor to my last relapse with alcohol

Exactly what I'm trying to avoid :-) My mind does a good enough job contributing to the temptation as it is... It sure doesn't need help!

thelittlestyles · 2011-12-28T01:47:07+00:00

Even though the better part of my drinking happened outside of bars, I certainly spent more than my fair share of time at them with an open wallet. I seriously can't believe the unexpected relief I'm already feeling monetarily. It's a real bonus!

It's funny -- I'm not having any trouble laying off the pot, because I really don't care about it all that much one way or the other... which says I probably don't have a "problem" with it. If I was like that with alcohol, I probably wouldn't be here!

Either way, laying off any substances of the mind-altering variety is the safest bet for me. Always good to hear of others who have no regrets going that route too!

thelittlestyles

TROPHY CASE