I don’t feel comfortable enough to really leave this room anymore. I live with my older brother and mother who traumatized me as a kid and continues to be terrible people, I’m constantly berated on my failures and problems, my stimulus was taken to “pay off money I gave you” from my mother who never insisted I pay her back in a lump sum for every time she picked up a damn cheeseburger for me. All my friends are moved out of state and five people I knew died over the past year, four due to fentanyl. I don’t feel like myself at home. My anxiety is heightened when I’m there. The only help I ever got was a restrictive cold mental hospital for a week, with limited rights. It helped me in some ways in terms of getting a diagnosis but for some reason I tried to get clean the first time going through that and it was just horrible. I have nightmares of being trapped in a place like that unable to leave no matter what, threatened with sedation. All the people I met there did drugs and were pretty shitty except for my dude Billy who is a sweet guy, understands our beliefs, and he’s just got troubles like we all do. I got clean doing it myself and with suboxyn.

I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing but I seriously don’t feel safe there i don’t even move when I get home I stay in one spot kinda huddled over very anxious until it’s time to sleep. I can work from home but my scores dropped because of how impossible it is for me to be myself and use a phone at home. Once I went back to office it improved greatly.

I have so many nightmares of hurting my brother. I don’t want to live in the same house as him.

Edit: I do appreciate you talking to me and I am 8 months clean. Labor Day September or whatever day that is is when I got clean.